I’ve always believed in the Native American notion that allowing someone to take your photograph is tantamount to letting them steal your soul. So you can imagine how I felt when I was forced (as a condition of employment) to submit a DNA sample (a small vial of saliva) to 23andMe for a complete genetic workup and public posting of my innermost helixes. I couldn’t avoid the molecular invasion fast enough. Not wanting to appear fickle, I sent them a sample – of my female cat’s saliva for DNA testing. Getting a thimble of cat saliva is no small feat in itself and perhaps worthy of a Nobel Prize for Expectorating.
In any event I think the feline saliva sample may have skewed the results. The following is 23andMe‘s report:
Dear Mr. Hardiman,
23andMe has successfully processed the genetic material in your saliva sample and we can unequivocally issue the following findings; some of which are extremely surprising for a 57 year old Caucasion man. We are pleased to present the following results for David Hardiman – BA4956891376:
- DNA evidence strongly suggests you possess at least 8 more lives
- Genetic markers indicate your bathroom habits, while generally hygienic, are unorthodox to say the least.
- In coding your spiritual identity, it appears you are monotheistic and not pantheistic i.e., you seem to worship one really big ball of yarn rather than several smaller ones.
- You’re very needy. Well kneady actually. You tend to fluff your pillow for a full 30 seconds before settling into it.
- Hippocampus genes indicate you’re very comfortable being referred to as a “pussy.” In fact you seem to prefer it.
- DNA torsion modeling of your vertebrae indicates you are the only human ever able to lick the middle of his back
- In addition to your 2 regular nipples, you seem to also have 4 superfluous one.
- Based on tendon and ligament DNA, we estimate you should be able to long jump at least 94 feet.
- Not sure where we’re getting this one, but it appears your favorite form of transportation is to be picked up by the scruff of the neck and deposited at your destination.
- Although you claim to be Irish-Italian, your ethnicity is definitely a combination of Persian and Siamese
- While you’re not able to grab things with your tail, you do indeed have one.
- Your 16th gene indicates you clean yourself by a process of self-bathing. Geneticists refer to this activity as “tongue-in-groove” hygiene.
- Your facial hair is ample, as is your body hair. Your whiskers are few, but very long.
- DNA evidence shows you’ve spontaneously climbed up drapes
- Although at times it may be unasked for, you nonetheless tend to rub up against complete strangers. Unaccountably you seem to receive positive reinforcement for it. #Meowtoo
- It is not advised you French kiss anyone due to the pointy spiracles on your tongue.
If you have any questions about this comprehensive report please contact the 23andMe team. Just send us a note on a scratchpad. Based on our findings we’re sure you have many scratchpads scattered throughout the house.
Thank You for Participating,
Sheila Mangrove PhD
Executive Spit Geneticist
The entire adventure ended ironically. Based on 23andMe’s report, DOW Chemical thought I’d make an ideal account executive in the mouse extermination division of their rodent control department.