Jobs I’d Be Very Wary of Taking

  1. A Snowball in Hell – Not a chance
  2. Charlie Rose, Harvey Weinstein or Matt Lauer’s Robe Closure Coordinator
  3. BTW (and this is off topic) If you say the phrase “very wary” 4 times in rapid succession, you’ll know what it’s like to have smoked marijuana. OK, back to “Jobs I’d be very wary of taking”:
  4. Human Being – Can’t avoid this job. In fact we’re all in mid-career trying to find the right solution by thinking it out, even though thinking has nothing to do with any so-called solution. Everyone is “gifted” with this preexisting condition and it’s not covered by any insurance plan or religion. Even atheists have to deal with it.
  5. The guy at the zoo who determines if a female elephant is ovulating and thence “in the mood” for fertilization. Pass. I think I’d rather do this with female humans.
  6. I’d worry about working for a company called “Water Solutions” and not finding the irony in it.
  7. Yellow Snow Writing Analyst – Not for me. Too many contradictions. For example, you might identify a beautiful woman as the snow writer of a yellow message in the crystalline flakes and come to the conclusion, “That Snow Angel; that’s no angel.”
  8. Y’know when a zealot says, “Kill’em all. Let God sort’em out.” I don’t want to be the guy God hires to do the sorting.
  9. Bodyguard for Celebrity Groundhog Puxatany Phil – He’s really slipping. He’s just a shadow of his former self. Besides Feb. 2nd is the only day he needs security. Plus I hear he’s always inviting female Woodchucks back to his burrow to watch Groundhog Day.
  10. Washroom Attendant Siberian Gulag – Would much rather work in the Gulag Chapel.
  11. Police Groping Dummy – “Miss Jenkins can you please show the court on our living mannequin exactly where and how Mr. Weinstein touched you?”
  12. Mandarin Orange Skin Peeler – So many sectors. So little time. Oh, you say it’s automated now. OK then, well I don’t even want to make the machine that peels them.
  13. Laundry Hamper Wrangler at the Mustang Ranch – Pass. Too much DNA.
  14. A position in Trump’s Cabinet – Too much bending over
  15. Any Kind of Manuel Labor – Let Manuel do it.
  16. Online Moderator of Pfizer’s Medicinal Enema Chat Room – Hosting a “How to” instructional guide on the mechanics of internal cleansing? –No thanks. Sounds like a job for the guy at “Water Solutions.”
  17. Recycle Center Debris Sorter – C’mon people, bandages, banana peels and toothpaste are not recyclable.
  18. Pork Belly Stand, Jerusalem Food Court – (see snowball’s chance in Hell)
  19. Gong Show Contestant whose talent is being able to burp the alphabet.
  20. I know #19 is not really a job because you’d have to volunteer for it. I just wanted to get to 20 and ran out of ideas. So here I sit very wary. Very, very wary. Oh well, (In burp language) A B C D E… 


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