McDonald’s Apple Pie filling circa. 1978.

Remember those insanely hot, deep-fried apple pies McDonald’s used to sell? The ones whose scalding apple lava filling was pumped directly from deep within the Earth’s core into the pie? Well I still have one I bought in 1978. And I plan on eating it just as soon as it cools down.  

McDonald’s claimed these pies were, “Just like momma used to bake.©” And it’s true, if momma had a PhD in Thermodynamics and a nuclear particle accelerator to heat the thing to the plasma state, just below the gaseous state. Let me put it this way: These are the only pies ever made that had a half-life. MacDonald’s offered them in two flame-throwing fillings: Apple McMagma and (during the St. Patrick’s holiday) Shamrock Napalm. As mentioned, I purchased my pie in 1978 for 45 cents and the return on investment has been phenomenal. Just by setting it in my furnace, I’ve managed to heat my entire house with it for over 40 years. The only downside has been the loss of all my hair.

McDonalds made these desserts completely from scratch, using only the freshest isotopes from the Periodic Table. They bypassed the middle man and pumped the pie filling directly from a hole drilled through the Earth’s crust and straight into the magma. The Apple McMagma recipe called for the filling to be extruded directly into asbestos pastry shells along with generous portions of fire-retardant apples blended with cinnamon flavored tungsten. McDonalds then flash fried them in hydrogenated plutonium oil 5 at a time. Any more than 5 and their critical mass would begin an unstoppable nuclear chain reaction.

Schematic depicting operation of McDonald’s Pie Containment Vessel

Employee safety was never compromised in the preparation of these sugary infernos. “Bakers” worked in nuclear clean rooms which were safely separated from the actual pie containment vessel. The operator would reach through the wall of the containment vessel using ceramic gloves to operate platinum baker’s tongs. After flash frying the pie, he then slid the fiery dessert into a titanium heat retention jacket and placed it under a focused array of tungsten-sodium arc lamps so it wouldn’t lose one calorie of heat. Often some powdered sugar was sprinkled on the pie, though it usually vaporized before reaching the shell. This was a hot pie.

McDonald’s sold over 5 million pies, but only 10 were successfully eaten. And even then it took an iron esophagus liner and steel reinforced concrete intestinal sleeves. Most pies in existence are still cooling. Scientists now believe these pies are the true cause of global warming.

McDonalds has not entirely given up on the idea of insanely hot pies. They are test marketing a new volcanic pie which they say is like a lava flow for the soul. It comes in two flavors: Melted Dentures and Ritz McMock Apple Pie. Till they get it right, the only thing scalding at McDonald’s is their coffee. 

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