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How Do You Like Them Apples?

Apples: The ultimate Variety Show.

A Variety of Apple Varieties

  1. Red Delicious – Very American
  2. Bloody Delicious – Very English
  3. Rome Beauty – Known as the Sophia Loren apple. Curvy and sweet.
  4. Johnny Rottenseed – English Punk Apple
  5. LGBT Cutie – They say one bite of this forbidden fruit and you’ll never go back. Great apple, but it’s kinda hard to breed.
  6. Golden Delicious – An American favorite
  7. Brown and Not-so-Delicious – A prison favorite (actually a Golden Delicious that didn’t sell at the supermarket)
  8. Fuji – Popularity is skyrocketing
  9. Emoji – Popularity is 🚀
  10. Pippin – A popular apple and musical. They almost produce the same thing: One generates applesauce, the other applause. Appleplause.
  11. Macintosh – 32 bytes in every Apple
  12. Gravenstein – Tomb in a tankard, the grave-in-stein apple is an IPA craft fruit
  13. Granny Smith – Crisp and tart
  14. Mealy Smith – Soft and bland. People with dentures swear by them or at least near them.
  15. Vermont Black – A now extinct variety. It seems there are no longer any Blacks left in Vermont.
  16. Pink Lady – Flavorful and sweet
  17. Pink Ladyboy – Popular in San Francisco. Very Fruity. Also flavorful and sweet.
  18. Dark Lady – A favorite of Cher. ♫Dark Lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one♫
  19. That Ain’t No Lady, That’s My Wife – Henny Youngman helped to develop this apple
  20. Fat Man – Atomically delicious. It’s the only apple that has a half-life.
  21. Apple Corps – What’s a list without a Beatle reference?
  22. Gala – A Gala day keeps the doctor away. A gal a day is plenty for me.

 

New Apple iCar: Far from Polished

 

The 2014 Apple iCar. Think differently. Way, way differently. Way, way, way differently. Or not.

The 2016 Apple iCar. Think differently. Way, way differently. Way, way, way differently..

Apple Corporation whose Midas touch has yielded an unbroken string of innovative and advanced products has whiffed mightily on its latest venture: the Apple iCar. I’m sad to report this Apple is a lemon. Although the iCar was Voted Car of the Year for 2015, what Apple failed to mention is that it was voted car of the year by the National Towing Association.  

As expected Apple has made the shopping experience unique. Instead of buying the car, you “bob” for it. The company announced a hybrid model whose gasoline engine is supplememted by the buyers own sense of self-importance. The iCar comes in two versions prompting one marijuana-dazed customer to comment, “Wow man. It comes in 2 virgins. That’s frickin’ amazing. How’d they get it to do that?”   

Each iCar contains an authenticated tear-stained note from a desperate Foxconn worker who helped build it in China. These workers are constantly reminded that Apple means Jobs. This wordplay confused the workers causing one to remark, “Of course Apple means Jobs. But is it Steven or the actual job?”

A test drive revealed the Apple iCar  possesses crisp handling, but is decidedly low-tech. Evidently engineers let one of the cars ferment. And that’s how one bad car spoiled the whole bunch of them. The vehicle does, however, come with a touch screen that allows for “good touches.” Or for an extra fee you can get a touch screen that allows for “bad touches.”  The new iCar is powered by a search engine that doesn’t seem to know where it’s going. As if it’s always looking for something. Apple says the car should be parked in a cool, dry cellar. If it’s left outside too long it tends to get mealy.

One bright spot for Apple is the iCar’s crashworthiness. The car is dent-resistant, although it does bruise rather easily. To restore the finish to its usual luster just fog it with your breath and buff it out. If you’re offered one (especially by a saleslady named Eve), you’d better think twice about sinking your teeth into it. 

I hope you find these apple metaphors a-peeling.

Better luck on their next venture – the iCondom. Supposedly this one also comes in 2 models…I mean, if you’re lucky.

Pie-rotechnics

McDonald's Apple Pie filling circa. 1978.

McDonald’s Apple Pie filling circa. 1978.

Remember those insanely hot, deep-fried apple pies McDonald’s used to sell? The ones whose scalding apple lava filling was pumped directly from deep within the Earth’s core into the pie? Well I still have one I bought in 1978. And I plan on eating it just as soon as it cools down.  

McDonald’s claimed these pies were, “Just like momma used to bake.©” And it’s true, if momma had a PhD in Thermodynamics and a nuclear particle accelerator to heat the thing to the plasma state, just below the gaseous state. Let me put it this way: These are the only pies ever made that had a half-life. MacDonald’s offered them in two flame-throwing fillings: Apple McMagma and (during the St. Patrick’s holiday) Shamrock Napalm. As mentioned, I purchased my pie in 1978 for 45 cents and the return on investment has been phenomenal. Just by setting it in my furnace, I’ve managed to heat my entire house with it for over 40 years. The only downside has been the loss of all my hair. Read the rest of this entry »