Presented by the CDC (Center for Diseased Comedy):
1. SharonaVirus – A highly specific affliction whereby one only listens to music by The Knack
2. CoronaVirus – Feeling ill from: 1. Looking at the sun’s rays during a solar eclipse 2. Driving an old Toyota 3. Drinking a certain Mexican beer 4. Soul-kissing a Chinese bat
3. Influenca – Where a Social Media Influencer infects you with their lifestyle choices
4. Visitation Aversion Disorder – Overcoming, coming over
5. Anti-paranoid – The psychotic belief that everyone is trying to ignore you
6. Picnic Attack – Paralytic affliction where one freaks out at eating a basket lunch out in nature
7. Tourette’s Gestures – Spontaneously filthy and uncontrollable hand gestures
8. Wasnesia – Past tense of Amnesia. Sufferers pin a Forget-me-not on their shirt – if they can remember.
9. Overwhelmingly Underwhelmed – A serenely goofy feeling of whelm-being
10. Lymon Disease – A more citrus-y take on Lyme Disease. It still ticks off a lot of people.
11. Caitlyn Gender Dysphoria – When winning an Olympic Gold medal in the Decathlon is not enough to reinforce your sexual identity
12. PSC-PTSD (Pre-Stressed Concrete Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) – When Bridges crack and fail due to recovered memories of all those noxious cars weighing them down
13. Royal Pains in the Arse – Surmounting Sir Mounting’s Hemorrhoids
14. Late Onset Early Bird Special Dining – When the elderly are serially late for early bird dinners, so that they now have to pay full price
15. Miffed Cow Disease – Not as bad as Mad Cow Disease, but it still leaves you feeling kind of surly
16. Penile Snoring – aka: Restless Shaft Syndrome. Bed sharers complaint: “Would you please shut your urethra so I can get some sleep?” In women this syndrome is called ___________ (because I still have a shot at going to heaven, I had to delete what it’s called).
17. Accidentally Checking the Wrong Box-itis – Damn it! I guess I actually did sign up for this.
18. Chronic Jew Syndrome – Not a disease. It’s just being Jewish. There are no symptoms except you tend to be successful and pro-Semitic.
19. Grammarians Conjunctivitis – A syntactical syndrome where you don’t know where to place your ifs, ands or buts
19.5 Toilet Seat Conjunctivitus – An assinine syndrome where you don’t know where to place your butt
20. Gingervitis – An allergic reaction to seeing Ginger on Gilligan’s Island
21. Toe-shaped Teeth – Foot in Mouth Disease
22. Margaret’s Shaking Limbs – Restless Peg Syndrome
23. Nephritic Bonging – Kidneys Stoned
24. Adhesive Tapeworm – Really sticks to your ribs. People in Glasgow contract a different version called Scotch Tapeworm.
25. YouTuberculosis – When you can’t stop watching videos till they consume you. Consumption be done about it?
26. Ball Peen Hammertoe – When your ♫Boots are made for tapping ♫
27. Chlamydia – An irritating flower that blooms where you’d prefer it wouldn’t. Also a character in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Hook Up.”
28. Lobster Thrombosis – Often mistaken for an illness, this delicious dish is prepared with egg yolks and brandy. No wait that’s Lobster Thermidor. I remember now. Lobster Thermidor leads to Lobster Thrombosis.
29. Eco-car Dementia – Oh, Prius, don’t mentia it
30. Congealed Esophageal Seals – A hardening of the phlegm near the epiglottis. Only dangerous if you like to breathe air.
31. Drug-resistant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos – A serious addiction that makes the opioid crisis look like just a bad habit. Frito-Lay has found a way to narcotize the Cheeto in irresistible ways, and this legal crunchy meth has metastasized to the entire country. Forget Red State, Blue State. We’re all Orange States now. Help us. Everything we touch now turns to orange.
32. Epstein-Barr Hyphenation Syndrome – When 2 preening researchers feel they must co-equally share credit for the discovery of some disease.
33. Up Syndrome – What people with Down Syndrome suffer from in Australia.
34. Diphtheria – An old timey disease noted mostly for being the only word to have the letters “p-h-t-h” appear consecutively
35. Molly Ringworm – aka: Brat Pack Fever. Remedy is to burn it away with St. Elmo’s Fire.
36. Aunt Candy’s Type 32 Diabetes – Just when you thought there were enough flavors of insulin deficiency, good ole Aunt Candy (aka Doctor Candy Winsome, Chief of Serum Illnesses at Johns Hopkins) discovers another.
37. Johns Hopkins Excessive Pluralization Syndrome – A strange disease where ones can’t stops pluralizings
38. Erotic Aneurysm – Like an aortic aneurysm except it makes you horny. In men it hardens arteries. In women, let’s just say things get real slippery, real fast.
39. Liquid Patty Melt – When Patricia Arquette’s ice sculpture is reduced to a puddle
40. Raining Cats and Dogs – You know it’s happening when you step in a poodle and say “Me, oww!”
41. Kinda Off the Rails Here – What’s it like being you, reading me?
42. Narcissistic Indulgences – Are there any other kind? When you believe all memes are really about MeMe MeMe MeMe memes.
43. ♫He Was Strumming My Pain with Atari♫ – Killing Me Softly With His Pong
44. Make up your own illness and post it here! I’m sick of this.