Posts Tagged ‘causes’

1. Wilma Cantwell groaned to death after reading my pun: “I was going to write this list in Times New Roman font, but it’s really not my type.”
2. In Compton, Dylan Barrett Browning was crushed to death in a vicious drive-by poetry slam. Investigators say there was no rhyme or reason to it.
3. Swami Baba Ganouj died when, after an out-of-body experience, he couldn’t get back in to his body again. In 3 attempts he failed to identify all the bicycles in a cosmic Captcha Code and got locked out. Enjoy the Astral plane Baba.
4. 

   Picture I always include in my resume. So what if I haven’t worked in 9 years. It’s who I am.

   In 1985 Sheena Loman was flabbergasted to death after sampling New Coke

5. A Marilyn Monroe impersonator died when she tried to reenact the famous subway dress scene from The Seven Year Itch and an unexpectedly powerful burst of air from the subway grating lifted her and her billowing dress into the path of an oncoming bus.
6. Finn Atwater died from being morbidly alphanumeric. Her Pinterest User Name was $5@H²0 (“$5” = a fin and “@H²0” = Atwater). RIP Finn.
7. In 1952, the actress Rita Hayworth was instantly vaporized by paparazzi when they simultaneously took 22 glimmering shots of her. She was gone in a flash.
8. Caleb Cushing of New York City turned to salt after accidentally seeing his grandmother doing naked hot yoga. He briefly became a pillar of the community – a salt pillar – till that same powerful burst of air that killed the Marilyn Monroe impersonator, blew Caleb to smithereens.
9. Patrick Dunder, died when he was peering down a railroad track to make sure no train was coming and the barricade arm came down and conked him on the head.
10. An absent-minded Grateful Deadhead dyed today when he realized he was wearing a white t-shirt. He tie-dyed.