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Posts Tagged ‘death’

Uncommon Causes of Death

  1. Discovering too late, that what you thought would “make you stronger,” actually killed you
  2. Cleaning the leaves from your gutter and getting hit by debris from a Boeing 777 engine
  3. Asking Chuck Norris which of the LGBTQ letters he most closely identifies with
  4. Not for $1 million. $2 million. Not for all the cheese in Wisconsin. 

    Eating 3 consecutive meals at any restaurant featured on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”

  5. Challenging someone by saying, “Over my dead body.”
  6. Falling asleep in Steve Bannon’s laundry hamper
  7. Quicksand
  8. Puncture wounds from taking a Meteor Shower
  9. Getting gored when falling on a fire hydrant – during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain
  10. Getting Gored to death while discussing carbon emissions with former Vice President Al Gore
  11. Involuntary head removal due to a low hanging ceiling fan
  12. Inhaling next to Kim Jong Un
  13. Walking into a bar. Not the kind that serves drinks.
  14. Drinking an out-of-season Shamrock Shake
  15. Drinking an in-season Shamrock Shake
  16. Experiencing a 9.5 earthquake in Ireland: aka a Shamrock Shake
  17. Standing next to an amorous Randy Quaid when he realizes you’re under a mistletoe
  18. Covering yourself in honey and standing too close to a mother birthing her bear cub
  19. Covering yourself in asbestos and standing too close to a Saturn V rocket nozzle when it blasts off
  20. Standing too close to Gwen Stefani when she peroxides her hair
  21. Wondering too strongly what it’s like to free climb El Capitan
  22. Arrogantly trying to prove “There’s absolutely no way the power is still on” by sticking your tongue into a circuit breaker
  23. Getting sucked into an Escher print
  24. Getting sucked into a conversation with Joe Rogan about MC Escher
  25. Experiencing a fall from Grace. Note: Grace must at least 15 feet or taller.
  26. Trying to find meaning in The Who song “Squeeze Box”
  27. Self-inflicted wounds from poorly aiming your bullet points
  28. Getting blindsided by a tumbleweed
  29. Getting into the dryer just to warm up for a minute
  30. Trying to Binge watch The Dukes of Hazard
  31. Trying to Bitch watch Sex and the City
  32. Getting “let go” from your job at a firing range

Epitaphs in the Cemetery for the Terminally Ironic

  1. Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

    They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.


  1. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!


  1. Is it me or are you really that tall?


  1. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.


  1. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler


  1. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.


  1. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”


  1. Death is the ultimate mic drop


  1. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.


  1. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.


  1. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.


  1. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”


  1. Was privileged to see America made great again.


  1. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.


  1. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.


  1. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.


  1. Thanks a lot Obama!


  1. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}


  1. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.


  1. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”


  1. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? Presents: Personal Ads for Dead People

Good news for dearly departed souls  (seen here jumping for joy). Love never ends. It just changes form.

The matchmakers at have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands. Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”


A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.


2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming. Read the rest of this entry »

Death and Other Grave Situations

This is what the unseen looks like

This is what the unseen looks like.

Growing old is a contradiction in terms. It’s more like “shrinking” old. Aging is like doing the bad kind of pucker-up. But before I pile on and make growing old sound like a death sentence (which it is), let’s remember it’s perfectly natural and obviously part of our architecture. Reaching one’s expiration date might seem unpalatable, but it can actually be quite tasty when we sugar-coat our terms and serve it up with a dollop of perspective. What’s actually being destroyed here? It’s the body and not the spirit. In fact they’re 2 completely different animals – one really is an animal (the body) and the other is eternal (the spirit). Isn’t that comforting? Maybe it’s cold comfort, but I find great solace in the natural rhythms of the universe. Of course I might not revel in the virtues of nature if I’m attached to a morphine drip because my self-driving car decided to drive myself off a cliff. But that’s another story (Note to self: Make next story about a suicidal self-driving car.).
Read the rest of this entry »

A Seriously Humorous Look at the Upside of Dying

Think this is wishful thinking? It happens millions of times a day.

Think this afterlife scenario is wishful thinking? It probably happens to dearly departed people millions of times a day – billions of time if you include bugs and stuff.

Professional sports leagues provide the best euphemisms for those souls who’ve dearly departed the playing field. For example, the NFL describes death as being placed on the “Permanently Unable to Perform List.” If you do not go gently into that good night, Major League Baseball will put you on the “Involuntary Retirement List.” And to the NBA death is that strange thing where you suddenly find yourself playing for the 6 feet and under league. And while some run in terror from the Grim Reaper, others see an opportunity in being Reaped by His Grimness. For instance, after your body has been repossessed by the Grim Repo Man, you no longer have to watch in disbelief while it slowly delaminates and its once sculpted contours begin to look like something you’d see in a Funhouse mirror. Death also makes you very easy to shop for at Christmas. I mean what do you get for the person who has no pulse? – Defibrillators? Read the rest of this entry »