Uncommon Causes of Death

  1. Discovering too late, that what you thought would “make you stronger,” actually killed you
  2. Cleaning the leaves from your gutter and getting hit by debris from a Boeing 777 engine
  3. Asking Chuck Norris which of the LGBTQ letters he most closely identifies with
  4. Not for $1 million. $2 million. Not for all the cheese in Wisconsin. 

    Eating 3 consecutive meals at any restaurant featured on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”

  5. Challenging someone by saying, “Over my dead body.”
  6. Falling asleep in Steve Bannon’s laundry hamper
  7. Quicksand
  8. Puncture wounds from taking a Meteor Shower
  9. Getting gored when falling on a fire hydrant – during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain
  10. Getting Gored to death while discussing carbon emissions with former Vice President Al Gore
  11. Involuntary head removal due to a low hanging ceiling fan
  12. Inhaling next to Kim Jong Un
  13. Walking into a bar. Not the kind that serves drinks.
  14. Drinking an out-of-season Shamrock Shake
  15. Drinking an in-season Shamrock Shake
  16. Experiencing a 9.5 earthquake in Ireland: aka a Shamrock Shake
  17. Standing next to an amorous Randy Quaid when he realizes you’re under a mistletoe
  18. Covering yourself in honey and standing too close to a mother birthing her bear cub
  19. Covering yourself in asbestos and standing too close to a Saturn V rocket nozzle when it blasts off
  20. Standing too close to Gwen Stefani when she peroxides her hair
  21. Wondering too strongly what it’s like to free climb El Capitan
  22. Arrogantly trying to prove “There’s absolutely no way the power is still on” by sticking your tongue into a circuit breaker
  23. Getting sucked into an Escher print
  24. Getting sucked into a conversation with Joe Rogan about MC Escher
  25. Experiencing a fall from Grace. Note: Grace must at least 15 feet or taller.
  26. Trying to find meaning in The Who song “Squeeze Box”
  27. Self-inflicted wounds from poorly aiming your bullet points
  28. Getting blindsided by a tumbleweed
  29. Getting into the dryer just to warm up for a minute
  30. Trying to Binge watch The Dukes of Hazard
  31. Trying to Bitch watch Sex and the City
  32. Getting “let go” from your job at a firing range

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