- The Lambshank Redemption – After a disastrous Thanksgiving dinner, prison cook Kyle Porter redeems himself with a Christmas lamb shank dinner all the inmates praise.
- Petty Woman – Julia Roberts presides over a book club of small-minded women who read and discuss one-star Yelp! reviews
Plump Fiction – Tarrantino blows the lid off the weight loss industry
- Fat and Furious: How Roseanne Barr Lost Her TV Series – Weight waits for no one
- Apocalypse Later – In this dilatory sequel to Apocalypse Now moviegoers felt cheated. They said “Armageddon delayed is Armageddon denied”
- Batman: Dark Chocolate – A very sweet picture where Ghirardelli and Cadbury vie for global chocolate supremacy. Cadbury sets the bar low, so children can reach it. Ghirardelli sets the bar high, to attract adults with money. How low can they go? – that question is in limbo.
- Triassic Park: Algae-geddon – In this slow-moving thriller set 225 million years ago, red and green phyto-planktons vie for chromatic dominance in the primordial ocean. In a stunning reveal at the 3-hour mark, they penetrate each other’s membranes only to discover they’re each other’s fathers. In the end a unifying Algae Bloom appears to be reddish-green confirming the truth that all single-celled life matters. It’s a movie only a microbiologist historian could love – all 9 of them.
- When Harry Met Larry – A recent widower (Harry) seeks counseling from an LGBTQA? group. He gets the acronym all jumbled-up and somehow falls in love with his grief counselor (Larry).
- Hairy Poppins – Robin Williams in his last role. A hairy and magical male nanny brings great cheer into the joyless lives of sheltered children. Songs include: Just a Spoonful of Nutella and SuperDisneydocious
- The Sound of Mucous: Life in a Tuberculosis Ward – A light-hearted look at respiratory distress. Patients find the songs an inspiration before their expiration.
- Melted: Life in a Globally Warmed World – It’s Frozen warmed over. All the action figures are damp.
- Close Encounters of the Worst Kind – How COVID has upended dating
- Close Encounters of the Wurst Kind – Weinerschnitzel deals with a contaminated batch of brats.
- Close Encounters of the Aryan Kind: Hitler Gets a Massage – After a superlative massage given by an archetypal, bare-chested Rhine maiden, the Fuhrer has an epiphany. He’ll pursue hedonism, pleasure and love instead of world domination, genocide and war. The term Nazissage is introduced. All it took was one positive experience with a caring, giving woman and boom; 40 million people get to live. Funny how the world can turn on the slimmest of events.
And the Oscar Goes to: These Make-Believe Movies in Make-Believe Categories
- Diluted Sriracha – Won for Best Weak Sauce
- Butterscotch Sundae – Won for Best Week Sauce
- Friday – Won for Best Week Day
- Judas – Won for Worst Weak Link
- Weinerschnitzel – Won for Best Wurst
- Weinerschnitzel – Won again for Best Hot Link
- Chimpanzees – Won for Best Missing Link
- Link – Clarence Williams III won for Best Former Mod Squad Character.
- Blynken – Won for Best Link between Wynken and Nod.
- Lincoln – Won for Not Joining LinkedIn. Bad optics: Lincoln in LinkedIn
- Weakest Link – Won for Breaking the Chain
I’ve enjoyed writing this for those who enjoy reading it. So to you who got this far and would like to send me money, send it to the World Food Programme https://www.wfp.org/. Mr. Hardiman is not a paid spokesman, nor does he receive any food from the World Food Programme. I’m telling you the Trith.