Archives Presents: Personal Ads for Dead People

Good news for dearly departed souls  (seen here jumping for joy). Love never ends. It just changes form.

The matchmakers at have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands. Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”


A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.


2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming.

3. Sedentary male enjoys lying in state. I’m a real casket-potato who seeks a shy, disintegrating type for mature sleepovers.


4. Recently cremated bodybuilder seeks similarly cindered female. Is your cremated body still smokin’? Let’s get together and compare ashes.


5. Your crypt or mine? Open-minded ex-professor seeks closed-mouth student for discreet extra-curricular activities. All tests are oral and graded on a curve.


6. Adventurous lady corpse seeks daring grave robber for exciting necromancy. Don’t delay. My best days are behind me. Keys to mausoleum under urn.


7. Outraged liberal female (yes, still), seeks comfort of like-minded male. Must enjoy spinning in grave with me.


8. Recently deceased man seeks fresh corpse for naughty graveyard pleasures. Let’s go bump in the night? Please note: Prefer at least one attached ear.


9. Could you be my lucky number 7? I’ve had 6 wives. I’m Hen-e-ry the 8th I am. Hen-e-ry the 8th I am. I am. Hoping for a male heir (yes still).


10. Just off life support (so-called “loving children” pulled the plug). Now seeking new kind of hookup. I’m dead serious, thanks to those gold-digging kids.


11. Bi-curious man seeking transgendered something-er-other for a near-death experience.


12. Horny male (yes still) seeks discreet female for anonymous encounters. Discretion a must. Prefer someone from an unmarked grave.


13. Married corpse looking to get a little on the down-low. How low? At least 6 feet and under I suppose.


13.5 Wife-swapping couple living the Lifestyle seek similarly minded duo for swinging exchanges. Due to our current state of decomposition we’re only able to swap from the waist down. Hope that works for you. 


14. Still warm corpse with girlish figure seeks company of financially secure yacht accident victim. Must have own mausoleum.


15. If I said you had a beautiful carcass would you hold it against me? I hope so. Currently interred at Morningside Cemetery. Ask for “The most interesting man in the cemetery.”


16. Unlucky in death, lucky in love? I’m just off the airport. Outcall only. {This entry was flagged as incompatible with our bylaws}


17. Bloated corpse seeks ex-lifeguard for a little mouth-to-mouth action.


18. A thank you to the little lady in plot 15A – I didn’t think it was possible, but I just died in your arms last night. Being with you was like a Near Life experience. PS: Sorry about your femur. I thought it was mine. I’ll return it next week.


19. Discerning chef seeks fork-tender waitress for fall-off-the-bone encounters.


20. Perverted ex-shepherd seeks medium to large-sized pets for the best in bestiality. No Sheep Dogs. {This entry was flagged as incompatible with our bylaws}


21. Had it up to here with the Afterlife? Out-of-this-world gal seeks well-grounded guy for safe and sane discharges.


22. Dear Out-of-this-World Gal. Sorry I couldn’t make it last night. I was just buried.


23. Osteoporotic skeleton looking for someone to rock me gently.


24. Good-time happy corpse. Love you long time. You no pay. I’m a dead give-away.  


25. Spent my whole life and 3 years into my death waiting for that certain someone. Are you the one? Gender, ethnicity and limbs unimportant.


26. Deceased single mother of unlaunched child. He used to live in my basement now he lives in my coffin – and he still doesn’t work! Seeks anybody for anything.


27. Solitary man with a face only a compost bin could love seeks maturely decomposed woman for a match made in humus.


27.5 Ex-teacher likes her pupils fixed and dilated. So if you like looking into the eye of a chicken, clucker-up baby. 


28. Like getting your bones jumped? 45 year-old stiff as a board cadaver (in all the right places) seeks partner for doing the rigor mortis two-step.


29. Open-casket adventurer seeks woman who also likes to keep her top down.


30. Your coffin or mine. Cuddly BBC (Big Beautiful Corpse) has lost almost 120 lbs. since flat lining in 2010. Into consensual Heimlich Maneuvers.


31. Can’t get a cadaver pregnant. No worries here gents. Lovely ghoul girl seeks men in all states of desiccation. Really into leather. The leatherier your skin the better. Must be discreet. Helicopter mom in adjacent plot.


And these are just a few samples of our members’ profiles at All you’ll need to sign up is the absence of a pulse and a little plot to call your own. When my time comes I know what my ad will say: “Ex-Air Traffic Controller is waiting for his exceptional wife to cross over. Take your time baby. I’ll be waiting for you and don’t forget to bring some of that pesto from Costco – Jesus, it’s to die for. Till then, all my love darling.” 

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