Posts Tagged ‘enemy’

1. Being told you can’t be part of a Class Action Lawsuit because you have no class
2. Cocaine Bear
3. Being forced to binge-watch One Life to Live – this is especially tough for people who believe in reincarnation
4. A girlfriend who keeps putting air quotes around your penis
5. You crack open an egg and an angry lizard comes out and attacks you. You try to laugh it off, but soon discover – this is no yolk.
6. I wouldn’t wish You on my worst enemy – especially when you’re in one of your “moods”
7. A judge decreeing you must be catheterized for non-payment of a parking ticket
8. Another judge sentencing you to a year of circumcising elephants for not smiling when getting catheterized for not paying your parking ticket. Well, as far as the elephant thing goes; the pay might not be great, but I hear the tips are tremendous.
9. When trying to go to bed, you have to listen to an endless White noise loop of someone snoring
10. You have to perform at a “Gentleman’s Club” under the name of Candy Samples. Although the pay might not be great, I hear the tips are tremendous.
11. In writing a very important letter, your spellcheck doesn’t work, so the parole board fully realizes what an undeserving dipsh*t you really are
12. To get waterboarded with Yoo-hoo
13. Waking up on the moon
14. Having to put out a restraining order against the Dalai Lama because he’s after your sorry ass.
15. Where you believe that even though superficial evidence seems to indicate that you are just a person living in your body, completely separate and distinct from God and everyone else. That would be foolhardy…and narrow. Some people think this tip is tremendous.

Sector Q Counterinsurgency Task Force – Alpha Group 

Dateline Yemen:

Corpsman: The combatants have dug in at the oasis just beyond the mirage.

Captain: Good work soldier. We need to know their numbers. How many enemy Yemeni are there?

Corpsman: Iraq my brain and I still don’t know how many enemy Yemeni.

Captain: This is really what I’m asking you.

Corpsman: What Israeli?

Captain: Oh, please be Syrias. We’ll need our face masks for the firefight. Where are they?

Corpsman: I am being serious. Damascus on the table. They were very expensive.  

Captain: Yeah the masks were expensive; Egypt us.

Corpsman: Who jipped us?

Captain: No. Who, is the guy on first base.

Corpsman: What about that Jew on second?

Captain: Lowenstein is not a Jew. That Israeli true. Ikanstan this anymore. I’m too old and my knees hurt. And no matter how much they hurt – you can’t Sudanese.

Corpsman: Oman. That is really true.You can’t sue the knees but you can Suez.

Captain: That Israeli true. Tell me about it. In fact Tel Aviv.

Corpsman: OK. Hey Aviv. Do you know how many enemy Yemeni are at the oasis?

Aviv: No, the whole thing’s a mirage. Fallujah, didn’t I?