Slow-paced minor league baseball is vying to maintain fan interest with the Reno Aces offering a variety of dubious between inning events, challenges and competitions. Some are hits, but the following are swings and misses:
1. Batter Up – Contestants see how fast they can coat a loved one in a concoction of egg, flour and water. The winner gets a new coat.
2. The Seventh Inning Stretch of the Imagination – The entire stadium observes a reverent meditative silence until someone becomes self-actualized. Winner gets the usual: the ability to transcend space and time. If no one becomes self-actualized the meditation continues until someone starts crying because they’re bored to tears.
Two cartoonish figures to the right…Well 3 if you count me.
3. Speed Embalming – This between inning game is designed for people 6 feet and under (or at least soon to be). UNR’s mortuary science class goes at it with certified cadavers. The competition is stiff. In fact, the winner is whoever has the stiffest stiff.
4. Amateur Veterinarian – Curious youngsters trying to take the temperature of uncooperative critters makes for an entertaining combination
5. Express Yourself – While artfully screened, lactating women vie to see who can be the first to pump 3 oz. of breast milk. Winner gets $500 in baby formula, which these days is one can.
6. Competitive Eating – Late inning fans who’ve “had a few” try to eat 8 oz. of mustard. Winners gets to compete in the next inning’s challenge…
7. …Projectile Vomiting – Contestant is judged on form, distance and artistry
8. Who Has the Most Stretch Marks? – The footprints of time upon my skin game. Winner gets a burqa.
9. Senior Pole Dancing – They say these geriatric gyrations around a pole are something you can never unsee. Viewers report cases of PTPD: Post Traumatic Pole Disorder
10. Distance Peeing – Another late inning showstopper. While tastefully shadowed behind a curtain, inebriated men and even some ardent women compete to see who can arch it the farthest. Winner gets an I-C-U-P mug.
11. Cat Tossing – Again, form, distance and artistry count in this game. Watch out for the cat’s claw or you’ll be saying, “Me ow!”