Posts Tagged ‘network’

 Popular New Food Network Shows Part I

1. The Butcherlor: Young female carnivores vie for the affections of a hunky single butcher. Most get chopped. The winner is neatly tied-up in wax paper and then slid across a stainless-steel counter into the waiting arms of the Butchelor. Anyway you cut it, this show is a real meat market.
2. Queer Food for the Straight Guy: This show introduces breeders to LGBTQ cuisine. Watch as a straight guy is served a BLT where the B, L and T do not stand for bacon, lettuce or tomato. This is a sandwich you need to chew very, very carefully.
3. Baking Bad: A high school chemistry teacher turns to a life of baking bad, meth-based brownies in order to ensure his family’s financial security. He responds to others ridiculing his baking by saying, “I am the one who mocks.”
4. Mallard in the Middle: A Mallard Duck is stuffed between a turkey and a chicken creating the very first turducken. This turducken is then woefully undercooked. In fact, the whole show is kinda half-baked.
5. Alimentary My Dear Watson: Chef Sherlock Holmes takes his loyal assistant Dr. Watson on a gastronomic tour of London in hopes of detecting any trace of edible British cuisine. When Holmes asks his associate, “Do you also find the blood pudding dreadful?” Watson responds, “No sh*t Sherlock.”
6. Hogan’s Gyros: At the height of WWII a group of daring Greek commandos infiltrate Nazi Germany and open a sandwich shop in the Little Athens section of Berlin. The restaurant however, is really a front for sabotaging the Third Reich.
7. Naked and Sautéed: Two unclothed chefs are dropped in the middle of a Panda Express where they must whip-up a chicken stir-fry without singeing their dangling bits. Show is guaranteed to knock your woks off.
8. Parm to Table: An array of exotic parmesans is served-up including Koala Parm and Marm Parm (made with real marmoset).
9. The Webbed-foot Contessa: She walks like a duck and cooks like a duck, but she’s not a duck. Watch, as any criticism of her cooking runs right off her back. BTW, the Web-footed Contessa’s father, who is a disreputable doctor, has a sister show called “Quack.”
10. Trans to Table: This show spotlights nonbinary farmers who will only grow plants that have had their angiosperm reassigned
11. Foodies with Benefits: This tender Tinder show follows foodies who make a mess in the kitchen – and not from cooking food either.
12. Slaughterhouse to Nugent: The Food Network celebrates the diet of extreme carnivore Ted Nugent

***Palette Cleanser***

Popular New Food Network Shows Part II

1. Jellowstone: Stalwart Montana rancher John Dutton must decide between his love of family or his love of gelatin. And although at times Dutton can be sweet, he’s no Jolly Rancher.
2. Better Phone Joan: In this prequel to Better Call Saul, we see savvy culinary lawyer Joan Child (Julia’s granddaughter) lawfully protecting the copyrights of chefs’ recipes. When someone is stealing a proprietary recipe, chefs everywhere agree: Better Phone Joan.
3. Is it a Refreshing Lemon Ice or Icky Yellow Snow? : Taste means everything in this show where one wrong lick and urine trouble. Show is a real pisser.
4. Orange Chicken is the New Blackened Redfish: This New Orleans based show explains how orange chicken overtook blackened redfish in popularity. This NOLA show’s theme song is a modified version of the Kinks’ “Lola” – ♫NOLA, N-O-L-A, NOLA just like cherry cola ♫
5. The CIA’s Stolen Secrets: Top Secret recipes are stolen from the other CIA (Culinary Institute of America). If they fall into the wrong hands, it could ruin Beef Wellington for generations. You know what to do: Better Phone Joan.
6. The Brady Lunch: A widow and widower decide to pool their resources in opening a restaurant called Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Parents Carol and Mike work the front of the house while chef Alice does all the scut work in the back with the “help” of their bunch of 6 unorganized children. Alpha-kid Greg succeeds in unionizing the Bunch and they all get a 10 This is where the expression, “It’s like herding Brady’s” came from.
7. Bunsmoke: When the town’s only bakery keeps burning all the pastries, Sheriff Matt Dillon must figure out who’s the pyro-pastry perp. He remarks to Miss Kitty, “I’ve heard of Hot Cross Buns, but this is ridiculous.”
8. Weiner 8000: The Food Network’s Investigative Unit blows the lid off dangerously high mileage hot dogs spinning at 7-11’s across the country. Most have been rotating for over 8000 miles and are completely bald. Other hot dogs are so old they have meat in them from animals that are now extinct.
9. Taco Bell’s Really, Really Fast Run for the Border: Show features their new stomach-bloating “Farm to Toilet” menu
10. It’s Always Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia: In this delightful re-boot of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a maniacal Danny DeVito takes control of the restaurant association and forces cheesesteaks onto the menu of every single restaurant.
11. Mickey D’s: Show fantasizes what a restaurant would be like if McDonald’s and Disney combined forces. Menu items include Pitas of the Caribbean, Filet-o-Nemo, Egg McMouses, Frickin’ McNuggets and Cryogenically Frozen Walt Swirls. For those counting calories a Tinkerbell menu is available.
12. Whiners, Sit-ins and Hives: Guy Fieri dines with complainers, college protesters and beekeepers. Eventually they all end up eating crow.
13. Soup to Nuts: In this psychologically revealing show, unsuspecting diners begin their meals with some relatively tame chicken soup. Unbeknownst to them, they are progressively served foods that induce insanity. At the end of the meal, diners are absolutely nuts. “Soup to Nuts” is a favorite of lunatics everywhere.
14. Fingerling Earthling: Dr. Moreau meets Mr. Potato Head. A crazed plant geneticist creates a potato with human aspirations. The resultant spud seems more interested in collecting social security than in putting in a good day’s work. So what else is new?

Twitter’s Proto-Tweet machine created in the Twitter Research Labs in September of 2002. Now housed in the Museum of Silicon Valley Relics.

Twitter Central

Nothing but tweets. This network features all 140 characters available in the Twittersphere. Twitter Central salutes the character Tweety Bird who’s been tweeting long before it was even invented. Other twitter characters range from sympathetic antiheroes like Don Vito Corleone to repugnant antagonists like Voldemort. All these characters are just like the ones in your real life. Some characters tweet you well, others tweet you like hell. And when I say real life I’m referring to the life you appear to be living. The one that makes you angry after you’re 3 miles away from the MacDonald’s drive thru only to discover your cheeseburger, fries and a Coke, is really a Filet-O-Fish, onion rings and a Mr. Pibb.      I’m not lovin’ it! Read the rest of this entry »