Posts Tagged ‘olympics’

1. 3 on 6 Basketball – Seems unfair and it is
2. Oh Give Me a Break Dancing – A counseling session where clear-eyed therapists try to persuade Break Dancers that, for God’s sake, Break Dancing is not a sport. I mean it’s a thing, it’s just not a sport
3. Blue Collar Fencing – Forget sabers, epées and rapiers. This fencing deals with stockade, picket and chain link.
4. Austrian Tossing – it’s no just for distance, accuracy matters too. Why toss Austrians? It’s easier than throwin’ Samoans.
5. Women’s Beach Volleyball Watching –This “sport” sees how long it takes a man to watch a women’s beach volleyball until he realizes they’re actually keeping score

 

Olympic Factoid:

Q. What nation is always first when the parade of countries marches out?

A. Greece. They began the whole Olympic idea way back when they wore laurel wreaths on their heads. The rest are alphabetic.

 

6. Naked and Catheterized – If you like this sport, urine luck. I mean, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
7. Speed Hickies – Neck sucking has never been so popular. Not surprisingly the sport originated in Transylvania
8. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – In the hot dog eating event alone, Chowboys and Chowgirls will consume a 4-lifetime supply of pig polyps.
9. Snow Writing – A Winter Olympic favorite. After drinking 64 oz. of water and using only their “on board” apparatus, competitors must accurately write the phrase Winter Olympics in the snow. Early trials have shown that although men have better penmanship, women are better spellers. Heck, I’d pay to see that. Competitors must be careful not to run out of “ink.”  
10. Synchronized Snow Angels – Could be an excellent opportunity for The Vatican to finally field a team
11. 2-Person Mixed Bobsled Insemination – Another Winter Olympic event where a man and a woman desperately try to conceive a child as they frantically cling to one another while careening down the icy bobsled track. It’s hard to both steer and cohere, so they have to make their 3 minutes really count.

 

Olympic Factoid that is not true:

In the Popeye cartoon the Olympics were referred to as the Olive Oylimpics

 

Merry Xmas everyone and remember, some day it will be 10 yeas from now, so breathe easy (and I know I wrote “yeas” instead of “years”).

1. 

   That’s my goyl

   Olive Oylimpics – Thin, lanky women compete to look like Shelly Duvall did

2. Very Senior Games – Enjoy such geriatric sports as Speed Blinking and Pill Grinding. I hear they’re adding a new wrinkle this year.
3. Very Señor Games – Very Mexican guys see how fast they can play Mariachi music
4. The Hungrier Games – Competitive eating at its wurst
5. Game Games – Watch as contestants try to surpass Sarah Palin’s time in field dressing an elk
6. The Bored Games – Contestants see how long they can withstand the tedium of Chinese Checkers…and other board games

The Winter Olympics are to the Summer Olympics what Arena Football is to the NFL. And while I hope everyone enjoys the Winter Olympics, I’m going to pay about as much attention to them as I do Arena Football’s Cleveland Gladiators. It’s remarkable there’s so much interest in the Winter Olympics considering the entire wintry spectacle is based on nothing more than sliding. Sliding around on some form of frozen water. In actuality there are really just two events – sliding on skis and sliding on skates. And if you think about it, there’s really just one event because skates are just very small skis used for sliding.

 

And somehow from this singular principle of controlled sliding the Olympic Committee has concocted 102 distinct events, all involving doing something unique while sliding around on frozen H2O. And they’re even awarding medals depending on how fast, accurately or artistically you can control your sliding. Countries take this very seriously and spend a lot of money sending their best sliders to the Olympics. It’s contagious really. For example guess what the most popular menu item is at the Olympic Village cafeteria? – Sliders. 

 

The XXIII Winter Olympics are being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which is not to be confused with Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. And hopefully never to be confused with pying pyong, which is what I believe they call table tennis in Korea.   Read the rest of this entry »

The Winter Olympics are to the Summer Olympics as Arena Football is to the NFL. And while I hope everyone enjoys the Winter Olympics, I’m going to pay about as much attention to them as I do to the San Jose SaberCats. The XXII Winter Olympics are being held in a place called Sochi. Sochi is a popular Russian resort town (pop. 343,000) on the Black Sea. But to me Sochi will always be the cute little nickname I used to call my first girlfriend. It’s remarkable to me there’s such interest in the Winter Olympics considering the entire wintry spectacle is based on nothing more than sliding. Sliding around on some kind of frozen water.  

In actuality there are really just two events – sliding on skis and sliding on skates. And if you think about it, there’s really just one event because skates are just very small skis used for sliding. And somehow from this singular principle of controlled sliding the Olympic Committee has concocted 88 distinct events all involving sliding around on solid H2O. And they’re even awarding medals depending on how fast, accurately or artistically you can control your sliding. Countries take this very seriously and spend a lot of money sending their best sliders to the Games.   Read the rest of this entry »