Posts Tagged ‘plane’

1. Airlines to start charging people for carry on. Damn it! That’s going to cost me a fortune. I’ve been carrying on for decades.
2. Not only carry on, but now umbrella charges are in effect making it very expensive for Mary Poppins to fly.
3. Congregating near the front lavatory not only allowed, but encouraged – as long as the congregation is led by a clergyman
4. 

   Hey senor airlines. You’ve got some ‘plaining to do.

   It’s lax at LAX. LAX to screen passengers with one question: “Has anyone else had access to your underwear today?”

5. New policy for passengers with service dogs: Dogs must be on a short leash. Humans must be crated.
6. In the event of an “unplanned depressurization” overhead oxygen masks will still drop down, but they can only be activated by agreeing to a Reverse Mortgage
7. Same holds true for a “planned depressurization”
8. During cart service, some drinks may be poured by pilots performing barrel rolls
9. Inflight movies must now include both the William Shatner and the John Lithgow versions of Twilight Zone’s “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”
10. Bathrooms now equipped with webcams so airlines can verify people who’ve joined the Mile High Club: A commemorative certificate and a moist towelette are issued for couples achieving the event. Nothing is given for those soloing.
11. Seat backs and tray tables must now be kept in the downright and opened positions during take-off and landing. They must be upright and locked during the cruise portion.
12. All air sickness bags now pre-filed with yogurt.
13. Pants – optional
14. Boeing to introduce “Glass bottom fuselages.”
15. All inflight magazine must feature a buff centerfold of shirtless Orville and Wilbur Wright riding a bicycle built for 2
16. As long as you look disinterested, you may pet the person next to you
17. Special seating area in the back for people possessing wide child-bearing hips. Only 2 seats per row instead of 3.  
18. At their option people may exit via the jet way corridor or a passenger-deployed slidey chute.
19. All galleys now equipped with a Walk-thru Starbucks.

Zen and the Art of Cramification

I’d purchased a roundtrip ticket from SFO to JFK so I could watch my beloved Syracuse Orangemen (now known simply as the “Orange” owing to years of gender bias) take on the Penn State Nittany Lions at MetLife Stadium (known simply as “MetLife Stadium” owing to the millions they paid to name it). It was the opening game of the college football season and I was very excited to fire those neurons in the same area of the brain affected by cocaine. This is why football is so popular. It is a safe and legal drug – at least to watch anyway. Now, being 6’4″ and possessing a femur the length of a pool cue, I thought my airborne experience might be more comfortable if I upgraded to Economy Plus seating, where those few extra inches of leg room were stingily doled out like the gruel at a Dickensian orphanage. Read the rest of this entry »