Posts Tagged ‘strike’

Gemstones, long thought to be perfectly content being ogled for their beauty, are now demanding to be recognized for their brains too. Spokeswoman Katie Clarity remarked, “Gemstones are more than just Pet Rocks and they deserve to be treated like the elegant ornaments they are, and not the trophy trinkets they’ve become. These precious stones, incubated within Mother Earth’s geologic uterus, are primordial bling and worthy of your deepest appreciation.”  

Gemstones: Coming of Age

Dazzling!

Probably as a result of exposure to AI’s ChatGPT and the contrails of certain airplanes, many gemstones have anthropomorphized to the point where they are not only sentient, but also fraught with feelings. These days there’s no telling what their state of mind might be – especially when it comes to those fickle “mood rings.”

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In recent years, self-aware gemstones have slowly evolved from bimbo baubles to accomplished adornments. They can no longer abide being gawked at for their superficial charms and then, when the party is over, crated away in some dark jewelry box like an anxious Pet Rock looking for comforting refuge. Some say these newly-conscious jewels are acting way too “precious.” But what else should we expect? They are precious – literally. They are precious stones just playing their part.  

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It can’t happen here. A nation held hostage by its alphabetic benefactors? Not if we improve our ways.

Nation Held Spellbound as Letters Threaten to Strike 

Here’s What We Know So Far:

• Letters, apparently enraged over polluted public discourse demand a return to civility
• Alphabetic job action threatens to rearrange pre-existing letters of all written material unless hostility is curbed and honesty restored
• In a muscular display of alphabetic resolve, the alphabet has collectively agreed to alter the letters of 2 well-known items to demonstrate their resoluteness. Henceforth the letters on the box cover of the game Chutes-n-Ladders will read Shoots-n-Cleavage. And shampoo instructions now direct you to: lather, rinse, defibrillate. What’s next? STOP signs reading GO.
• Cursive, Calligraphic and Cyrillic Letters have voted to join their block-letter brothers in seeking better working conditions
• Arabic letters vow to support any job action, providing the curvier letters are draped in black
• Hieroglyphs, graffiti and most other symbols follow suit. In Egypt, the pictographs in the tomb of Ramses II have joined the cause and morphed into several Peanuts comic strips.
• No word yet from Emojis. In fact, none expected. After all, they’re emojis. They did however send a 😀 .
• Hebrew alphabet, under pressure from the Right to Left Party, remains a holdout  
• “@” symbol agrees to remain in the public domain so people can still get email
• Early languages (Sanskrit, Latin and Greek) side with museum curators and refuse to participate in the job action in order to preserve integrity of ancient scrolls
• Strike seen as a threat to all written material except doctor’s prescriptions which no one can read anyway
• Seeds of discontent sowed early on in the Primordial Alphabet Soup of Life
• President tweets “Those Sons of Bitch letters better get back in line or they’re fired. JOBS.” But all 140 letters take a knee and the tweet appears as, “Life with Melania is one long celibation! SOBS.”
• Authors have come out against the strike calling the job action “Censorship.” The alphabet calls their action “Repositioning.”
• Read the entire story below on how it all happened

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