Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

1. 1. I wonder which is more wind resistant: Tumbleweed or Ariana Grande. I worry about that little pixie being picked up by a stiff breeze and never being seen or heard from again.
   2. So I’m not hip anymore. I wouldn’t recognize Dua Lipa or Doja Cat if they were French kissing me.
   3. And speaking of same, I just realized the term “tongue in cheek” can refer to more than just the cheeks on your face.
   4. If you drop something and watch it, it lands right by your feet and can be easily retrieved. However, if you drop something and don’t watch it, it takes the opportunity to ricochet off your foot or a table leg and scoot itself completely hidden under the couch on the other side of the room. Moral of the story: Kids, stay in school.
   5. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on the possibility of seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt running naked through my kitchen.
   6. However, from the “One door closes, another door opens department”: Due to an unbelievable confluence of events, during a tour of Buckingham Palace, I once saw Queen Elizabeth II patting herself dry after a sitz bath. I marveled at her pink royal ass, and I say that tongue in cheek.
   7. Has this happened to you? Sometimes, if I’ve unintentionally touched my iPhone screen in strange ways while trying to get it out of my pocket, I’ll look at the screen and I’ve somehow gotten so deep into the iOS architecture that I have the ability to launch nuclear strikes anywhere in the world. Sometimes I access a video of Jennifer Love Hewitt encouraging me to, “Get a life, dude.”
   8. From the Unintended Consequences Dept: At the Pray-it-Away Conversion Therapy Clinic, the instructors somehow got the pages mixedup and inadvertently taught the class in reverse order. When they were through, all the teachers had accidentally transformed themselves from straight to gay. Church elders are blaming it all on, “that degenerate Beach Boys’ song ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’ that opened up this whole can of worms.”

It is often said that to lead a happy life you should, “Dance like nobody’s watching.” I get that. But with a twist. What brings me joy is to, “Write like nobody’s reading.” And based upon my Google Analytics of late, that statement has never been truer. There’s no denying what brings us joy. The heart wants what the heart wants.

So as I bathe myself in literary pixie dust in preparation for a writer’s journey into rapture, I find myself in my element. I’ve got my backlit keyboard, my predatory imagination and I’ve just cracked open a fresh ginger-hibiscus kombucha. I’m not only in my element, I’ve become an element: Hardimanium – a rare psychoactive literary element consisting of all Higgs bosons and a knowing smirk.

Now as I gently loosen the tethers mooring me to conventional and unspectacular wisdom, I feel the motivating presence of a million eyes not reading this. Such exquisite freedom. My gatekeepers have been put on administrative leave and in their absence no bureaucratic censor exists to burden my thoughts. The swirling excesses of my cerebral vortices are tamed only by the limits of the English language. 

Yes, it’s the perfect literary storm and the NWS (No, not the National Weather Service, but the Narcotized Writers’ Sanctuary) is calling for a lacerating Category 5 hurricane once the literary storm travels up your optic nerve and saturates your consciousness. But please don’t evacuate yourself just yet. I promise to keep you securely within the eye of Hurricane David, at an observationally safe distance from its high-velocity humor and killer premises. You might get a little wet, but that’s only in keeping with the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who mused so eloquently: “Into each life some rain must fall.”

I thank you for the absence of your presence. How else can I write so uninhibitedly?

 

Cutting and Pasting My Inner Dialogue

What if the Pep Boys were Impressionists and not Auto Parts bobble heads? Instead of Manny, Moe and Jack, they’d be Manet, Monet and Jacques.

 

Are there boats that ship dead people to ports of final call? And if so, would that ship be a place where corpses are berthed? Cuz I would think it would be pretty difficult to berth a corpse…I mean the gestation period alone.

 

Amazing Feet: Marathoner wins race 7 years running.  

 

So I guess “new train smell” is just something I’ll never experience.

 

Things not often thought about: At the height of his popularity Elvis was drafted into the Army. And he actually had to go. No dispensation for the King of Rock & Roll. Can anyone imagine Eminem or Jay-Z having had to serve a 2 year hitch in the Army? “Nope, I’m sorry Mr. Mathers you’ll need to guard an ammo dump at Fort Benning for a couple of years.” Or…”Tough luck Shawn Carter, these potatoes won’t peel themselves here at Camp Granada.”   

Read the rest of this entry »