Posts Tagged ‘tourist’

1. South Pole – It’s all there: The Tomb of the Unknown Penguin, Madame Tussaud’s Ice Museum and Roald Amundsen’s Craft Beer Emporium
2. North Pole – It’s all there: Pole Dancing Nightly (which at the North Pole lasts continuously from October to March). Visit Santa’s Workshop or Martha Stewart’s sweatshop.]
3. The Museum of Communicable Diseases – They’re all there: COVIDS 1-19, Pink Eye and Mono (also available in Stereo). Mask wearing is vigorously prohibited.
4. AmishLand Amusement Park – It’s all there: Purpose-driven Whittling, Wet Bonnet Contests and Barn Lowering (Not all barns are made to be raised. Sometimes they have to be lowered)
5. Lego Pyramids at Giza Reproduction – Faithfully built to 1:32 scale using real Lego pieces, it’s as much a waste of time and resources as the original pyramids. I think it sphinx, but that’s just my opinion. I’m sure there are 3 sides to this story.
   

   To vacate, perchance to go on holiday – Bill S quoted from As You Like It

6. Syracuse, NY Fire Station #9. Two Light Bulb Attractions in one bulb. What a great idea:
   • The World’s Shortest Burning Light Bulb – First lit on April 3, 1972 it flashed for a barely perceptible half a nanosecond and has been dark for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of brevity and marvel, “Will you look at that. Just one fleeting flash – oh, when one thinks what might have been.”
   • The World’s Longest Unlit Light Bulb – After that same light bulb went out on April 3, 1972 it has remained screwed in, powered up and unlit for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of darkness and marvel, “Will you look at that – it’s still off.” Hopeful bulbers hold vigil for its return to illumination – probably just needs to be jostled.
7. The Gobi Desert – It’s all not there: sand, gravity, sand, air, sand, daytime, sand and nighttime. It’s like a great, uncrowded beach, but without water. The bonus part is it’s in Mongolia, so the barbecue is fantastic. And in an effort to promote tourism, the Mongolian government (whatever that is) doesn’t even require a visa. You can just show up. Zen Travel Guide gives it 0 Stars and yet also 5 Stars. Go figure.
8. The Equator – GPS tells you how close you are, “Warm…warmer…Warmer…HOT, HOT…You have arrived.” Remember, it’s not an Imaginary Line if you believe in it.
9. Game of Thrones Oat Maze – Like a corn maze, but only about 2 feet high. Fun for Corgis and maybe Peter Dinklage.
10. Bangkok – Really? There’s a place they call Bangkok. It wasn’t just a placeholder until they came up with a real name. Give me a break. Next thing you know there’ll be a lake named Titicaca.
11. Glasgow, Scotland – As I write this I’m actually motoring thru Glasgow on a tour bus or “coach” as they call it here in Scotland. Inspiration is where you find it. Fun Fact: People from Glasgow are called Glaswegians. The Beatles sang about this ♫Isn’t it good, Glaswegian Wood♫
12. Paris – 2 sister monuments to the venerable Eiffel Tower: The Eyeful Tower and The Awful Tower. The Eyeful Tower is really something to see while the Awful Tower features the kitschy Awful Falafel bistro.
13. The Crab Nebula – Best interstellar seafood this side of Pisces. It’s light-years better than the Red Lobster
14. Andromeda Galaxy – Place is absolutely out of this world
15. Bible Belt – Visit this shrine and get your truth on. Resolve all your issues by reading words chiseled by uncircumcised men whose barber and dentist were the same guy
16. The Boyhood Home of Chaz Bono – Visit Sonny & Cher’s offspring’s now genderless nursery of their daughter born Chastity Bono. It’s the non-binary experience of a lifetime.
17. Elizabeth Montgomery’s Broom Closet – What could be more bewitching than a backstage look at a TV witch’s broom closet? Plenty. Visitors take note, this broom closet was curated before the creation of the Nimbus2000. Be forewarned, any comment using the cliché “this broom closet has swept me off my feet” will result in immediate expulsion.
18. Bette Davis’s Laundry Hamper – See her unwashed memories as they were on the day she died Oct. 6, 1989. It’s all there: the size 1 cocktail dress she wore on her last Tonight Show appearance, lipstick stained sleeve where a nervous tic causes her to kiss her wrist, and for some reason Joan Crawford’s truss. Tour is hosted by a hologram of Roddy MacDowell. Movie-worn shoulder pads, cigarette holders and dress shields available for purchase in gift shop.
19. Three Corners Theme Park – Thrill to see where the states of Wyoming, Montana and Idaho share a common boundary. It’s all there:
    • • The Tomb of the Unknown Rancher – Don’t know who it is, but they’re pretty sure he died with his boots on
      • Native Americans with One Tear Streaming Down Their Cheek – Combine broken treaties, land usurpation and firewater intolerance and you’d be crying too. I have my reservations about visiting this reserv…I mean defined area where Indians must live.
      • Wyoming’s Stonehenge – 12 Plymouth Belvederes buried up to their tailfins, zodiacally arranged to align with the Summer Solstice
      • BLM (Bureau of Land Management) Administrator Hung in Effigy – Left dangling as a reminder to meddlers
      • Shrine to the Jolly Rancher – A celebration of the lighter side of ad hoc militias
      • Brokeback Mountain Roller Coaster – One trip on this dizzying ride and your orientation might be changed forever
      • .
20. The Museum of Recovered Memories – Make up a whole new past life or just think that you have. Remember, it’s not imaginary if you believe in it.

Activities/Destinations/Excursions for the Cancun tourist to consider:

1. Swim with the Prawns – You’ve seen them swimming in garlic sauce, now it’s your turn to swim with these grungy little bottom feeders in a debris-strewn backwater
2. Ride on an Inflatable Banana While Being Pulled By a Jet Ski Doing 55 mph – Hard pass. There are more creative ways to “ride the banana.”
3. The Jolly Rancher – A kids’ oriented pirate party ship. It’s the sister ship to the adults’ more debauched Jolly Roger. The Jolly Rancher serves shots of Sunny D on the quarterdeck, plays Recess Monkeys music on the spar deck and, as expected has all the bathrooms on the poop deck. Every night at 7 pm, little Kaitlyn Penrose walks the plank right into the kiddie pool.
   

   There’s a “can-do” attitude in Cancun.
   I canned.
   I cuned.
   I conquered.

4. Bed Bug Bite Connect-a-Dot Constellation Game – No matter how opulent the resort, they all have bed bugs. In this creative game you connect the dot-bites on your partners body to form a sign of the zodiac or a car logo
5. Take the Ferry to the Island of “The Love that Dare Not Speak its Name” – A fairy ride you’ll never forget featuring female impersonators so real they’d fool Ellen Degeneres. Talk about “Man, overboard” – everything is over the top on this ferry.
6. The Museum of Waiters Who, When You Go to the Bathroom, Refold Your Napkin into a Swan – They’re all there in wax: Roberto Vazquez, Raoul Juarez and, for reasons still unclear to me, the Jackson 5.
7. Ripley’s You’ll Never, Ever Believe This Museum – (unless you’re a Republican) Visit Ripley’s Hall of outrageous, bald-faced lies that some people believe are actually true just because others are telling them it’s true.
8. Excursion to the Mayan Ruins of Chechen Itza – A big disappointment. They actually took me to visit a ruined chicken pizza and not Chichen Itza. When I complained to the operator he said “Oh so sorry Senor, if you want to visit Chichen Itza it will cost you more. Too bad you signed up for chicken pizza.”
9. The Ocean is My Urinal – Don’t “Ewwww!” me. Oh, like you haven’t.
10. These Mexicans Have a Different Word for Everything – Alright already. I get it. I’m not in America anymore.