1. Invisible people are so arrogant. They completely ignore me, so I just act like they’re not there.  
2. I always thought angina was a heart ailment only women could get
3. When someone in Vincent van Gogh’s family dies, are they referred to as Van Gone or Van Went
4. Victoria Secret is being sued in a case of the Negligent Negligee whereby Victoria Secret’s lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
5. 

   “Anything new?”
   “Nope. You?”
   “Nope.”

   Since Cincinnati has no synonym for cinnamon, some assume Cinnabon is simply sinful.

6. An antonym for Anthony is Untony. Untony and Cleopatra – because opposites attract.
7. People always talk about round numbers, but 0 is the only round number and it isn’t even a number and it isn’t even round. It’s an ellipse. Lips are an ellipse. A Sideway ellipse. Thounds like I’m lithping.
8. Uncelebrated non-coincidences: Steve Martin and I have birthdays on different dates. Same with me and Jesus. No biggie.
9. You crazy.///No, you crazy.
10. Is a high knap blanket better than a high nap blanket?
11. Enamel paint has made such a difference and yet nobody wants to talk about it
12. You cray cray./// No you color with Crayola crayons
13. What’s the plural of plural – plurals? If you strung them together would you have a plural necklace. I have 2 plural necklaces.
14. I’ve given people plenty of Wedgies. Iceberg Wedge Salads that is. How I ever got them to fit in their ass crack I’ll never know, but that’s half the fun.
15. I’m not sure if I like concepts or just the idea of concepts.
16. Granite countertops have given purpose to so many people and you can’t take that for granite.
17. No really, you nutty, you off the wall son./// OK, I guess that makes me a Walnut. So shell me.
18. Stone fruit rocks./// No, it’s the pits.
19. Leave us readers alone./// No, the ideas…they’re coming from inside my head. I’m not scared, I’m just letting them out
20. And now a moment of silence for Kleenex and all it does for us with nary a complaint. Thank you martyred non-racial facial tissue. I kiss you and spew a slew of goo into your tissue. Quite the issue. Tis me or tis you? Probably tissue.
21. If there was an elephant in the room, everyone, and I mean everyone, would be talking about it.

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