Things I Wish I’d Thought Of


Oh, wait, I did think of these. I guess I wasn’t careful what I wished for.

  1. Who makes a tornado chaser look smart?

          A volcano chaser.

  1. What goes well with a shot of lava?

          A volcano chaser.

  1. The Toast Restaurant Admits: “Bread and butter is our bread and butter.”
  2. Pet Sleepwear Outlet Admits: “Our cat’s pajamas are the cat’s pajamas.”
  3. Magnet Magnate Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
  4. Cartoon Character Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
  5. Crab Meat Admits: “Butter is drawn to me.”
  6. Guy claiming to have a Horse Drawn Carriage Admits: “The carriage was really drawn by my daughter and not our horse.
  7. Ticket Taker Admits: A fan into the stadium.
  8. Woke Person Admits: “I may be woke, but I’m very groggy.”
  1. Pièce de résistance Admits: “I’m just a piece of resistance.”
  2. I’m always unnerved when someone yells at me, “Enjoy your stupid life.”

         How did they know?



  1. My college roommate is the mature one. Unlike me, he eats his bread with the crust on and is able to sleep with the lights off.
  2. News from the Highway: Prestressed Concrete Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Plenty of blame to go around. Mostly it’s your asphalt.
  3. Since when did “I know it like the back of my hand” become a standard for certainty. I couldn’t identify the back of my hand if it was a the lineup with other hands. Facial recognition, yes. Back of the hand recognition, not yet.
  4. I just realized: I’m left-nostrilled. And I thought I was ambi-nostrilled for the longest time.

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