This List Must Be Red or I’ll Be Blue

This List Must Be Red or I’ll Be Blue

  1. I just Googled “goggles.” I Googled goggles and it responded with baby talk.
  2. Did you know that a small, attractive manicurist is called a “cuticle?”
  3. Least romantic words ever whispered into a lover’s ear: “Oh darling, God has a place for us in the shale of this planet.”
  4. Despite evidence to the contrary, this list is not a yawner.

    Is a person who repairs a fender bender a dent-ist?

  5. Is a trail marked by bones an osteopath?
  6. Are card-iologists skilled at hearts?
  7. Did you know Egyptian cancer doctors are known as ankh-ologists?
  8. Eco-podiatrists have small carbon footprints
  9. If your urologist is my urologist that makes him myologist. What a pisser.
  10. A doctor who puts your rectum to sleep is called an anusthesiologist. The pay is good, but the job stinks.
  11. Virgins celibate life every day.
  12. I’ve learned recently that Crayons are not edible. And thank God they’re non-toxic too.
  13. Dumb New Year’s Resolution #1. This year I will drink all my beverages by dipping-in my toothbrush and then sucking it out through the bristles.
  14. Palette Cleansing Statement of Certainty: The truth does not require your belief.
  15. Breaking: Baby doctor loses her license. But the real question is how did she get one in the first place. I mean she’s only 16 months old. That is one baby doctor.
  16. New Spice Girl works with dying patients. Her name: Ho Spice.
  17. Botanists who love flowers are petalphiles.
  18. Pediatricians who like to cycle are pedalphiles
  19. Secretaries who like to file are filephiles
  20. Manicurists who like to shape nails are also filephiles
  21. People who adore manicurists who like to shape nails are filephilephiles.
  22. Stories about foul air and stale odors are must-y reads
  23. You can change your name. You can change your lion’s name. But you can’t change your lion’s mane.
  24. Breaking: Felt finds new uses in women’s apparel. Women say they never felt this way before. The dark side is that many dresses are felt during fittings. #Handsoff
  25. At the Garment Worker’s Bakery these items loom large: Silk Pie, Red Velvet Cake and Lemon Chiffon Pie.
  26. Studies reveal that Evil people are unable to stomach Angel Food Cake.
  27. You can eat ramen. You can eat your friend’s ramen. But you shouldn’t eat your friend’s crayons – even if they are non-toxic.
  28. We screwed up. We thought we were brainstorming. But we were actually barnstorming.
  29. In a related story, the National Weather Service has issued a tornado advisory for the Kansas Farm Belt. “Strong cyclonic winds may cause large farm structures to be ripped from their foundations. This may lead to widespread Barnstorming. Judy Garland should take note.”
  30. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you how many business days it is till that date.
  31. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you which tree it came from.
  32. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and by the end of the night they’re deeply in love.
  33. He’s a visionary. You can give him a blind date and by the end of the night she’s seeing again.
  34. Parallel Duo-verses? Why do we run counterclockwise on an outdoor track when everything else we do is clockwise? However let us remember, it’s not counterclockwise when you’re looking at it from Hell. In that case you’re running absolutely clockwise. Same thing with pineapple upside-down cakes…or any upside-down cake for that matter (pineapple being the foremost of the upside-down cakes). When you look at these belly-up cakes from Hell, they’re actually right side up. In this rare double-negative case, 2 wrongs do make a right…side up.
  35. In Victoria Secret’s book A Brief History of Briefs, chafing becomes an issue for Lady Chatterly’s ombudsman. Eventually an ointment soothes her irritated skin, in a chapter entitled Balm is the Bomb.
  36. I’m a firm believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening
  37. Sponsored: The culture in Dannon Yogurt fortifies both society and the intestines. However the culture in Greek Yogurt, for no apparent reason, causes one to throw dishes.    

 

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