Imagine a world where every person, place or thing is named Ebenezer:

1. Prince would become, the artist formerly known as Ebenezer
2. Jeopardy questions suddenly a whole lot easier
3. Determining sexual consent might be a problem: “Would you mind if I kissed you on the Ebenezer?”
4. Wouldn’t have to worry about mispronouncing the city of Yuzhnoukrainsk in Mykolaiv Oblast…or any city in any Oblast
5. Dinner parties would be tricky: “Would you please pass the Ebenezer”
6. Hey Jude becomes Hey Ebenezer
7. The horse that guy rode through the desert on that he thought had no name…Ebenezer
8. The answer to the song’s question Say my name, Say my name…Ebenezer
9. Chuck Norris… Still Chuck Norris
10. In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Tiny Tim would become Tiny Ebenezer
11. The phrase “We can’t cater to every Tom Dick and Harry,” becomes ”We can’t cater to every Ebenezer Ebenezer and Ebenezer.”
12. Bjórk…Ebénézér
13. Wasted away again in Ebenezerville
14. That Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” would have to be seriously reworked.
15. Consumer reports would always recommend Ebenezer brand
16. While lovemaking, you could never yell out the wrong name
17. All anonymous sources would be named Ebenezer
18. GPS would be impossible. Unless of course you were going to Ebenezer.

The point is we’d all be Scrooged.

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