I’ll spare you the indignity of bad puns and obvious analogies…in my next story. Meanwhile, prepared to be slimed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be read slowly. 

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Here at davidhardiman.com we value our readers and we understand that many readers self-medicate with these essays.  Again, if this is an emergency or you are hyperventilating, stop reading and dial 9-1-1. Otherwise continue reading and a pain-relieving essay will be with you as soon as one becomes available. We apologize for the delay in bringing you relief, but we are currently fresh out of ideas. You are the 5^th reader in the queue so don’t stop reading or you’ll lose your place in line. Your wait time for a meaningful essay is approximately 8 sentences. We are sorry that due to higher than normal reader volume, we are unable to provide our usual level of wit. Additionally, geopolitical events have stifled our creative process. Our outsourced Idea Department was mostly staffed by Ukrainians who have since fled Crimea and are now refugees. We are working hard to keep you interested and while we’re not exactly sure where the problem lies, we are sure President Obama is to blame. Meanwhile please bear with us as we fumble to say something meaningful or at least pertinent. Read the rest of this entry »

This supremely ironic New York Times headline from February 10^th reads like a ripe premise for a comedic bit. And in a sense it is a bit. It’s one of 3000 sad little bits that fell into my hands as a result of the explosion. They’re called smithereens, and like a dutiful sleuth I’ll attempt to piece this accident back together smithereen by smithereen to discover just how something so awful could go so right. In Iraq suicide bombers have become obscene background noise like rap music is in this country. What drives these suicide bombers? Where the Beach Boys once promised “♫Two girls for every boy♫,” the Taliban promise 77 virgins for every boy in the afterlife. With this sheer volume of women, one assumes there are also towelettes. 

What We Know so Far

We know the noble gas Xenon (Xe) is No. 54 on the Periodic Table of Elements. We also know Xenon is considered a “noble gas” due to its philanthropic work with underprivileged elements like Bismuth and Tin. Xenon is an odorless, colorless gas similar to Senator Harry Reid. But that bears little impact on today’s story and probably shouldn’t have even been included in this reconstruction. Read the rest of this entry »

Upon authoring a major book, it is always appropriate to thank the people instrumental in its publication. This is more commonly referred to as the Acknowledgement section of a book and is invariably appended to its end, just prior to the Index. The acknowledgement is where the author usually thanks his saintly mother for the use of her loins in birthing him and possibly his graduate research assistant for something very similar. Now I’ve yet to write my Magnum Opus or even my Mini Opus, but to stay ahead of the game I’ve decided to prepare my Acknowledgement section in advance so that when it comes time to write the book I won’t procrastinate with the excuse; “Well I’ve got this great idea all laid out, but I just can’t bring myself to write the stupid Acknowledgement.” Therefore it is with the utmost gratitude and humility I present:

 

Acknowledgements

I would be remiss if I didn’t express my profound gratitude to myself for my unique connection to the All-Being through whose grace I’ve been privy to things civilians could never access. Through the intercession of our Lord I’ve been able to produce such a magnificent work. I thank Him for recognizing my brilliance. Being a chosen one was not my idea. Really, I had no choice in the matter. But since its incumbent upon me to appear grateful and to give the reader a sense of the book’s gravity by referring to a vast network of unseen assistants supporting the effort, I should probably pretend to give credit where credit isn’t due. Read the rest of this entry »

The Winter Olympics are to the Summer Olympics as Arena Football is to the NFL. And while I hope everyone enjoys the Winter Olympics, I’m going to pay about as much attention to them as I do to the San Jose SaberCats. The XXII Winter Olympics are being held in a place called Sochi. Sochi is a popular Russian resort town (pop. 343,000) on the Black Sea. But to me Sochi will always be the cute little nickname I used to call my first girlfriend. It’s remarkable to me there’s such interest in the Winter Olympics considering the entire wintry spectacle is based on nothing more than sliding. Sliding around on some kind of frozen water.  

In actuality there are really just two events – sliding on skis and sliding on skates. And if you think about it, there’s really just one event because skates are just very small skis used for sliding. And somehow from this singular principle of controlled sliding the Olympic Committee has concocted 88 distinct events all involving sliding around on solid H2O. And they’re even awarding medals depending on how fast, accurately or artistically you can control your sliding. Countries take this very seriously and spend a lot of money sending their best sliders to the Games.   Read the rest of this entry »

In 1976, at the tender and impressionable age of 15, I experienced a life changing event that has informed my behavior ever since. What made this event all the more remarkable is that it took place entirely above the waist. As with most revelations it presented itself in a most epiphanic fashion. And if you’re looking for a heartfelt memoir that has the word “epiphanic” in it…this is it. Allow me to explain. I never thought there was a chance in hell I’d ever attend a live taping of The Tonight Show starring my comedic idol Johnny Carson. No roads led there. It wasn’t even on my bucket list because, back then, I didn’t know what a “bucket list” was. Seeing The Tonight Show in person seemed well beyond the realm of possibility – like a Pope saying he’s fallible. Actually I think Pope Francis recently said as much. Anyway, I don’t mean to undercut my own argument that The Tonight Show and I weren’t even in the same universe; because in 1976 we weren’t. However, as events would later confirm, not only were we in the same universe, we would soon be in the same studio. Read the rest of this entry »

If I was dying and the Make-A-Wish Foundation could grant me one request, it would be to enter into the idealized world of TV’s Hogan’s Heroes featuring Colonel Robert Hogan and his intrepid band of brothers. Truth is however, I’m not dying (at least not ahead of schedule) and yet I still want to go there. Forget Tomorrowland and Pirates of the Caribbean, couldn’t Disney create a HoganWorld where adolescent adults like myself could revel in a fantasy realm of cunning espionage, brotherly camaraderie and busty blondes working for The Underground? “Goldilocks this is Papa Bear, come in Goldilocks.” A place where never is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day. C’mon Disney you can build it. Please Walt. Pretty please. Forget about Saving Mr. Banks, how about Saving Mr. Hardiman? Read the rest of this entry »

If you’re like me, (and I assume you’re not) then when you plug an electrical cord into an outlet, you invariably misalign the prongs at least 80% of the time so you have to flip them over and plug it in the other way. This bitter harvest of life will not stand. We all know famine and genocide are awful, but this…this is intolerable. That stupid fat prong that has done nothing to help mankind except preventing one little old lady from Pasadena getting shocked when she knocked her denture cup all over her Craftmatic bed. I would never have agreed to the use of electricity if I knew I’d have to contend with this thick pronged abomination. And since no one asked me, and electricity is everywhere, it makes my hypocrisy that much easier to ignore.

Any of this sound familiar? It shouldn’t. I just made it all up. You are the first one to lay eyes on it and that makes you special (pronounce special as spatial). It’s fun. Go ahead try it. Say out loud, “That makes you spatial.” Read the rest of this entry »

 

Twitter Central

Nothing but tweets. This network features all 140 characters available in the Twittersphere. Twitter Central salutes the character Tweety Bird who’s been tweeting long before it was even invented. Other twitter characters range from sympathetic antiheroes like Don Vito Corleone to repugnant antagonists like Voldemort. All these characters are just like the ones in your real life. Some characters tweet you well, others tweet you like hell. And when I say real life I’m referring to the life you appear to be living. The one that makes you angry after you’re 3 miles away from the MacDonald’s drive thru only to discover your cheeseburger, fries and a Coke, is really a Filet-O-Fish, onion rings and a Mr. Pibb.      I’m not lovin’ it! Read the rest of this entry »