“But I thought…”

Despite exhibiting a grudging appreciation for today’s modern conveniences, many citizens have increasingly displayed a jaded resignation over the nauseating predictability of life’s uncontrollable events.

The Good

For example, going to a Jim Gaffigan comedy show should be great fun. And it is at one level, but attending this costly yuk fest is likely to break the bank and give you a not-so-humorous compound fracture of the funny bone. With all the attendant expenses this jaunty night out amounts to a $700 happening – $800 when you include convenience fees (that’s a euphemism for price gouging). The entire experience leaves one feeling like a cash cow that’s been milked of every cent in its pendulous udder. What was supposed to be a happy little yuk fest morphed into an expensive little yuck fest. Having unknown middlemen’s hands all up in your bursar sac is a violation of your private pouch and an affront to consensual purchases. It’s not so funny when your purse strings are plucked by innumerable unseen offenders who fantasize about anonymously tugging at your financial teat. All this for a comedy show?  – Hah, very funny. I don’t get it. And this is something people volunteer to do.

The Bad

Visiting the doctor for a non-recreational prostate biopsy is never fun for many reasons. First of all the 2-drink minimum is administered intravenously. And secondly, words like rectum and hypodermic needle should never be used in the same sentence – or even paragraph. Men find the whole procedure worrying and wonder why the body they’ve come to call home should self-destruct without the option of stepping into a sleek new rental body while the original is in the body shop. It’s menacing events like this that have made life increasingly unpopular – especially among men. In fact only among men. Women and transgendered men never have to worry about this kind of groinal puncturing. But for the rest of us it makes life increasingly less popular than it was when our bodies were freshly-built temples suitable for worship as opposed to the historic ruins they’re developing into. Having to contend with bodily atrophy has prompted many to move to Canada, where your body still decays at the same rate, but it costs about half as much.

The Ugly

People doing anything in the name of God. How presumptuous of us to know the mind of God when we barely know half the buttons on the remote.

The Upshot

Life is proving increasingly unpopular for those who cannot see beyond the veil. And this blinkered vantage point has lead many to suspect Earth is a rescue planet, adopted by the Solar System in a sacrificial act of astronomical kindness.