Posts Tagged ‘life’

Dave’s Life Hacks

#547 The proper way to peel a banana is from the bottom up. Try it on your next banana, you’ll thank me.

A very appealing banana.

#548 Kids, stay in school

#549 I brought my Dust Bunny to the vet. He blew me off and now my Dust Bunny is no more (I know, not really a Life Hack, but it’s funny) 

#550 Repetition is important…Kids, stay in school

#550 Pay attention. Sometimes things are double numbered

#551 Kids, if you get a job paying $30 an hour or more, quit school

#552 Don’t spend more than an hour a day in your attic (This applies to kids too)

#553 Don’t spend too much time in your basement. Especially if you don’t have a basement.

#554 It’s OK to spend more than an hour a day in your attic, if you can get a job paying you $30 an hour to stay in your attic.

#555 Kids, overall, it’s probably best to stay on the 1st or 2nd floor

#556 It’s fun to say, “These youngsters from Liverpool, who call themselves the Beatles.”

#557 It’s now considered environmentally friendly to bury a dearly departed in a crawl space or butler’s pantry

#558 If you have braces, avoid sticking your tongue into a light socket.

#559 In fact, just generally, avoid sticking any body part into a light socket

#560 Almost all podcasts are just unstructured, stupid conversations that prior to the Internet Age were referred to as, “Aah, we were just shootin’ the sh*t.”

#561 It’s just this way…until it’s not this way, and yours is not to worry or try to overtly control it

Lifelong Regrets

On the Menu Tonight:

The AppePfizer (brought to you by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals – a druggy division of Milton-Bradley) 

  1. That I was once accused of trafficking in counterfeit stallion teeth. Neigh. Tis not true. I got them straight from the horses’ mouth.
  2. That I was never able to get either foot all the way into my mouth. And yet people said I managed to do this regularly – whenever I spoke.
  3. That my company selling erectile dysfunction drugs went out of business. Why? The competition was too stiff.
  4. That I never met Helen Reddy’s Dingo – and now it’s too late. Fun Fact: Ringo had a Dingo named Bingo. He spelled it B-i-n-go, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name.
  5. That what I thought was an authentic Sharon Stone pubic hair (purchased and verified on eBay), turned out to belong to Wanda Sykes.
  6. That when I shook the Pope’s hand with a joy buzzer, his Swiss Guard roughed me up.
Sorbet Palette Cleanser.
And now your 2nd Course:
  1. That most restaurants refuse to seat me when I enter with my service ostrich. But it’s OK for Mr. Aristocrat to come in with a handkerchief full of bugers in his pocket.
  2. Finding out I had 2 days to live after purchasing green bananas
  3. That my hefty investment in the Used Casket business, never got off the ground – in fact it never even got out of the ground
  4. That even though I knew it was true, I could never prove Toni Tennile based Muskrat Sam on me. Screw you Darryl.
  5. That my fanny crack is horizontal. Very awkward, unless you’re in Japan where its buttocks as usual.

The Entrée 

  1. That after attending a Reba McEntire concert, I found out later, I was facing the wrong way


  1. That Jada Pinkett sent back the toupee I sent her. And then Wil Smith slapped me with a slander suit.

GPS Guidance in the Afterlife

  • The first words I hope to hear after I die are: “You have arrived!”
  • The last words I want to hear are: “When able make a legal U-turn.”

The Reincarnation Network Announces New Fall Shows

  1. It’s deja vu all over again.

    Two Lives to Live – A soap opera based on “One Life to Live.” It follows the multiple lifetimes of actress Judith Light.

  2. Judas, is that you? – Embarrassing hijinks ensue when at a college reunion in 1975, Apostles recognize each other from the Last Supper.
  3. Been There. Done That. – Kinda like Ground Hog Day, but with lifetimes.
  4. How I Met Your Great-great Grandmother – Silas Finch describes to his daughter Marisa, meeting her great-great grandmother Prudence Howell (who was also his former wife) at the inaugural Dodge City Hootenanny in the 1850s. Lots of hoedowns and plenty o’fiddlin’. This show is rated “Cover Your Eyes” due to: Windblown hoopskirts, fleeting glimpses of bare ankles, loosely tied bonnets and the drinking of hard cider. Beware: Both the pretzels and the language are salty. 
  5. Pull My Finger – Has nothing to do with reincarnation. Funny now. Funny then. Absolutely timeless.
  6. Osgood’s Lament: Life Insurance is Now Obsolete – An all new comedy. With people now recognizing their eternity, they’re just not bothering to buy life insurance anymore. Show focuses on insurance man Osgood O’Connell transitioning from writing insurance policies to selling Instapots.
  7. This Reincarnation Thing is Killing Me – A humorous take on interminable rebirths
  8. Infomercial: How to Avoid Being Reborn as a Refugee– Ex-human traffickers offer tips on choosing the right parents in the next lifetime to avoid becoming an immigrant. Theme song: Tom Petty’s “You Don’t Have to Live Like a Refugee.”
  9. Eternity – Will it Ever End? – A heartfelt and frustrating look at the time-space continuum from people who can’t get off it.
  10. Shirley MacLaine’s Do You Believe Me Now? – Futurist and peripheral Rat Pack member Shirley MacLaine discusses how she chose to be Warren Beatty’s sister this lifetime.
  11. Déjà vu – Similar to the show “Been There. Done That.” And if you like redundancy wrapped in duplicity, inside a croissant…then this multilevel French Baking show is for you.
  12. I Love Lucy – Not that Lucy, but the 3.2 million year old, pre-human hominid from Ethiopia. This docudrama delves deeply into the past lives of a troop of Australopithecines roaming the Serengeti in search of food. The show is much more understandable when listened to with the audio program selected to “Grunting as a Second Language.” Why these barely bipedal prehistoric munchkins are all traipsing about wearing Tommy Hilfiger says more about the financial clout of the fashion industry than it does about life on the Serengeti.

Life Proving Increasingly Unpopular

"But I thought..."

“But I thought…”

Despite exhibiting a grudging appreciation for today’s modern conveniences, many citizens have increasingly displayed a jaded resignation over the nauseating predictability of life’s uncontrollable events.

The Good

For example, going to a Jim Gaffigan comedy show should be great fun. And it is at one level, but attending this costly yuk fest is likely to break the bank and give you a not-so-humorous compound fracture of the funny bone. With all the attendant expenses this jaunty night out amounts to a $700 happening – $800 when you include convenience fees (that’s a euphemism for price gouging). The entire experience leaves one feeling like a cash cow that’s been milked of every cent in its pendulous udder. What was supposed to be a happy little yuk fest morphed into an expensive little yuck fest. Having unknown middlemen’s hands all up in your bursar sac is a violation of your private pouch and an affront to consensual purchases. It’s not so funny when your purse strings are plucked by innumerable unseen offenders who fantasize about anonymously tugging at your financial teat. All this for a comedy show?  – Hah, very funny. I don’t get it. And this is something people volunteer to do. Read the rest of this entry »