1. 

   It’s only make believe if you think it is. Achtung Baby!

   Duh. Spend as much time as possible watching Hogan’s Heroes. There is no viable alternative. Achtung Baby!

2. Sleeping. Napping. Sleeping some more. And then hibernating. In between go on “Pajama Week” binges in my new pillow top bed.
3. Obey the folksy surety of Tom Selleck and get reverse mortgages on everything I own. Make Magnum Great Again.
4. Pretend to be spending more time with my family, when I’m really spending all my reverse mortgage money at the Indian casino
5. Visit car dealerships and do crossword puzzles in the backseat of a nifty showroom model, until they call security
6. On second thought, not to spend most of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes, but to spend all of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes. The prisoners running the Camp?…crazy man.
7. Visit the graves of Ben Matlock, Perry Mason and Colombo
8. Start peppering my vocabulary with age-appropriate words like spry, good days and bad days, tinkering, guff, puttering, early bird specials and back in the day
9. Obey Joe Namath and buy Supplemental Medicare Insurance for Part B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I-P and Z. Make Broadway Joe Great Again
10. Forget what I said before. I look forward to moving into the light and irrevocably crossing over into a Hogan’s Heroes Heaven where everything goes right because nothing can go wrong.

Dismissed.

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