Issued by Financially Malfeasant Publications, this newsletter is where the smart money goes to get stupid. At FMI we’re not bullish, we’re bullsh*t.

This is your brain on cauliflower.

The following rumors are scuttle, butt may be true anyway:

1. JL Kraft Foods Inc. to open a string of Kraft Single Bars – a place where unattached slices of cheese can go to bond with other cheeses of its kind. The bars practice “safe cheese.” That is, each consenting slice agrees to have a protective sheet of wax paper placed between it and its partner to ensure things don’t get too sticky. And isn’t it ironic that these cheese bars can be such meat markets.

2. Changes at Good Humor and Friendly Ice Cream. Due to budgetary constraints each company has had to downsize. Good Humor Ice Cream will henceforth be known as Mildly Amusing Ice Cream – and that’s not funny. Meanwhile Friendly Ice Cream, unable to sustain its former level of goodwill, has been renamed Cordial Ice Cream. Seeing these once proud ice cream companies being forced to downsize, just melts your heart.

3. In a similar move, the Scrabble-like app Words with Friends, will offer a less collegial version for more aloof people who prefer to avoid emotional entanglements in their Scrabble partners – the new app is called Words with Acquaintances.

4. Elon Musk to sell Tesla. He plans to plow the proceeds into his latest visionary quest: Pie Weights – those small, oven-safe ceramic balls used in baking a pie crust. There’s a fortune at stake here. The news has already hit the street, and in after-hours trading, Pie Weight futures skyrocketed to almost 4¢ a ball. And there’s an estimated 30,000 to 40,000 balls out there so you do the math.

Can shower curtain weights and outdoor tablecloth weights be far behind? Pie Weight hoarding has already been reported at Marie Callendar’s. Musk added fuel to the fire commenting, “I’m all in on Pie Weights – the future is now and it screams Pie Weights.” Musk has already cornered the market on drapery weights, collar stays and ballast stones for ships.  

5. Warren Buffet to buy the Hansom Cab Company. “Right now there are too many ugly Hansom Cabs. What we need are handsome Hansom cabs,” said the elderly investor who then finished his big-piece jigsaw puzzle and was given some warm milk. He made the announcement with magnet magnate Earl Groat by his side.

6. Carl Icahn to lose billions by recklessly employing credit default swaps (CDS), essentially insurance policies insuring bonds against losses, tied to an index tracking bundles of loans to malls and other commercial properties, he sought to leverage the underlying bonds insuring the property to default. No one understood any of this. No one. Ever. But billions were somehow made by someone until they all realized they were just playing Monopoly. 

7. IHOP to raise prices of pancakes. In an effort to balance supply and demand for their signature breakfast cakes, IHOP is raising the price of a short stack to $9. An IHOP spokesthey justified the price hike by saying, “We had no choice. Our pancakes were selling like hot cakes and we were running out.” While the IHOP is increasing prices the DHOP (the Domestic House of Pancakes) is holding prices steady.

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