Boarding airplanes has become as challenging as finding a parking spot at Costco at Christmas time. Each airline has their own boarding hierarchy based on the clientele they serve. I’ve taken the time to recreate their boarding order so you can be prepared.

American Airlines. They’re family oriented and board in this order:

1. Parents with small children, Parents with large children, Small parents with medium-sized children, Blended families of color with adopted children, Service Monkeys, Aunt Edna, everybody else

Southwest Airlines

1. People who listen closely to phone tree messages when they’re told that some of the menu options may have changed
2. People who choose Southwest Airlines even though they have many options to choose from when they fly
3. Relatives of Judge Judy
4. Judge Judy

Spirit Airlines

1. No one. They’re out of business

Aeroflot (Russian State Airline)

1. Convicts heading to the front lines
2. Casualties returning from the front lines
3. Enemies of the state who’ll be tossed out when we reach altitude
4. Anne Hathaway
5. Vladimir Lenin, should his embalmed body rise from its sarcophagus and need a lift
6. everybody else

Air Cannabis (The natural highflier)

1. Dave
2. Dave
3. Where’s Dave man

Korean Air

1. People named Kim – that covers everybody

Artemis Moon Rocket

1. NASA Platinum Club members, Al Yankovic, Civil War veterans, parents with imaginary children and then astronauts

LGBTQI Airlines

1. They
2. Them, and the people who love them
3. Everything, all of it
4. Breeders

MillionAireLines – Come fly in the Gildedsphere

1. Trillionaires
2. Billion Aires
3. Buenos Aires
4. Anne Hathaway
5. Millionaires

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