Archive for June, 2013

“If I can stretch this rubber band enough, we’ll launch this thing.”

When I think about nuclear powered aircraft carriers (which isn’t often) I marvel at the array of sophisticated technology fortifying these floating air bases. They’re replete with integrated warfare control systems, enhanced flight deck electronics and some really advanced cup holders. But the most important of all these technologies, the one that actually launches the $57 million F-18 Super Hornets, is perhaps its’ least impressive. I’m referring to that most primitive form of propulsion – the Steam Catapult. Even the name Steam Catapult does not inspire much confidence. Didn’t Hannibal use this contraption to throw big pointy rocks at his enemies in the Punic Wars? Compared to the leading edge technology hard-wired into a carrier’s DNA, the Steam Catapult is a special needs amino acid. Read the rest of this entry »

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.

I’ve been alive for 52 years and in that time I don’t believe I’ve ever fully experienced what it means to really be Alive. Oh sure I delight in attempting the impossible, like finding nutrition in a Paula Deen recipe. I also revel in the occasional happy alignment of distant hope and nearby reality; like the recurring dream I have involving Julie Andrews and a ♫few of my favorite things♫. After washing the sheets, I reflect that these events are all evanescent flash paper moments calculated by God to keep me engaged in his little Milky Way art project while he avoids any explanations of why I might be participating in it. As far as achieving a quintessence that a particular moment exemplifies the true meaning of being alive, I’m left wanting or at least wandering. Read the rest of this entry »

Father Father Mulligan explains it all.

When saintly Father Mulligan was canonized by the Catholic Church in 1991, all agreed he made the funniest looking cannon you ever saw. He wasn’t too happy about being a cannon either and hardly viewed canonization as a reward for years of dedicated pastoral service. It was preferable to the old days of enshrinement when the church would catapultize high performing priests. In later years they’d even bazookaize MVPs, so he breathed easier with simple canonization. What did he do to earn this place of honor? Well, according to the Catholic Hall of Fame Committee he was responsible for 3 miracles:

1.    Somehow he got the roof repaired at St. Anthony’s without a donation drive

2.    He is credited with preventing the Great Chicago Flood of 1964. That’s why you’ve never heard of it either.

                               3.    And against impossible odds, he found a way for Michael Jackson to impregnate an actual female Read the rest of this entry »

The Garden of Earthly Delights in liquid form.

The title begs the question; why would anyone even care about a story like this? A story that leads us not into temptation, but delivers us from Applebee’s.  A story that promises to illuminate the ancient chords of connectivity that beautifully bind us into a network of happy users with unlimited carryover minutes. Don’t you see? It’s always been about the size of your bandwidth. And he who encompasses the greatest spectrum is able to realize the most elevated experiences – many of which are now available in HD.  

These deeper experiences can all be yours if your passion for apathy inspires you to such inactivity. It’s true and this has been proven by numerous people who’ve never had near-death experiences. In fact, most of them aren’t even having near-life experiences right now. And it is their lethargy that has made all the indifference in the world.  I’m referring to the kind of folks who just post other people’s quips on Facebook. The kind of people who blithely agree with convention because…well just because it’s a known quantity. Oh sure they say they do their laundry down by the river with rocks and lye, but secretly they just throw their clothes in the dishwasher like everybody else. It’s like my genetically modified mother used to say, “This Herbal Essence Shampoo smells so good and will go great with the lamb chops I threw in the dishwasher.” Read the rest of this entry »