Archive for December, 2016

“Spike Lee to make an all-Black version of Hogan’s Heroes,” trumpeted the headline in Variety.  

Hogan and his heroes throttling the Nazi war machine. Sgt. Kinchloe on the left.

As I breathlessly absorbed those sweet words that I’d waited almost 50 years to read, a lump the size of a Sherman Tank began to grow in my throat. Could this really be happening? I mean it wasn’t the Beatles getting back together, but it was close. One of my fondest boyhood memories was cozying up to the TV on Friday night at 8:30 to watch experience Hogan’s Heroes. The show had everything the pure heart of a 6 year old boy yearned for: good army men outsmarting bad army men, a bunch of secret agent GI Joes camping out in a barrack, and plenty of pretty frauliens inexplicably parading about in a backwater POW camp – who cared if it didn’t make sense? It made me happy. Still does. This new Spike Lee Hogan’s Heroes would make me even happier.  

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1. Yorkshire Terrorist – Won’t stop yapping till they get their wet food
2. She Wow Wow – Sofia Vergara-influenced breed
   

   Don’t raise your eyebrows at me.

3. Lhasa Ipso Facto – Asian lawyers’ favorite dog
4. Angela Basset Hound – Ike Turner had something to do with its creation
5. Alaskan Mostlymute – Rarely barks
6. Uaintnuthin’butta Hound Dog – Found mostly in the South, Cryin’ all the time
7. Teacup St. Bernard – A contradiction in terms. Like jumbo shrimp.
8. Borderline Collie – Not quite a Collie, but close
9. Cocker Doodle Doo – Howls when the sun comes up
10. Chilean Sea Basset Hound – A sub-species of Dogfish. Sleeps on a bed of spinach.
11. Greenish Retriever – Not quite green, looks seasick, recycles
12. Nissan – Formerly Dachsund (Get it? Datsun became Nissan)
13. Hairless Sheep Dog – A frightening-looking animal. At least it doesn’t shed.
14. Mess Hall Chow – Featuring its trademark Blue Tongue Special
15. Belgian Airhead – (courtesy of Steve Martin)
16. Random Doodle – exists only on paper and, fittingly, does it on the paper
17. Jewish Shepherd – Enjoys Flocks and Bagels
18. Not-so-Great Dane – Underachieving Scandinavian canine.
19. Shih Tzu! – God Bless You.
20. Nikita – Nike’s corporate repurposing of the Akita breed. All Nikitas are named Swoosh.
21. Miniature Toy Chihuahua – Due to size challenges, must be raised under an electron microscope

Rare cartoon hand with 4 instead of 3 fingers. An analogy for my stalwart friend Chris who is playing with more than a full deck.

What better way to begin someone’s biography than for its author to prattle on about himself. I mean it’s important to break some literary rules, but to do it so shoddily seems rather unseemly and I don’t want to seem unseemly. I’d prefer to seem seemly. I’m stalling because I can’t possibly capture the multi-dimensionality of my dear friend Chris Gage’s human experience, so rather than attempting to paint a rich portrait of a man in full, I’m going to paint a diluted snapshot of a man in 1/16^th. I believe by setting the bar this low (capturing 6.25% of Chris) I set a metric (we don’t set goals anymore – we meet metrics) suitable to my talents. Besides, if this mini-bio flies off the shelves or, more likely, is digitally uploaded into people’s Kindles, I can follow it up with 15 more volumes at 6.25% each. With great swagger I might pause here and state, “You do the math,” but as you can see, I’ve already done it. Why do I undermine myself and then advertise it? Well at least you know what you’re dealing with here. Read the rest of this entry »