Archive for September, 2021

The universe, which is vast, has taken on new dimensions thanks to unwelcomed discoveries from that meddling Hubble Telescope. Just when I was getting comfortable with my place in the 200 billion galaxy cosmos, the Hubble discovers that it’s 10 times larger than originally thought, thereby making me 10 times smaller – thanks a lot Hubble ass-tronomers. Could you make a guy feel any more insignificant?

 

 

A galaxy is defined as a localized cluster of stars numbering between a few hundred million (10⁸) stars to one hundred trillion (10¹⁴) stars, each orbiting its galaxy’s center. That’s almost as many stars as Adam saw when he first laid eyes on that forbidden fruit known as Eve. Most galaxies are 3,000 to 300,000 LY (light years) in diameter (about the same diameter as Charles Barkley). Galaxies are separated by distances on the order of millions of light years from each other (about the same emotional distance between Atilla the Hun and his estranged son Caitlyn the Hun). And because our immeasurable inky playpen is so crazily proportioned, I began this little essay with the understatement of the epoch: “The universe, which is vast…”

 

A 60-year-old 3^rd Grader Discusses Light

By definition all discussion about light is illuminating. For example, a light photon is sometimes referred to as a wavicle because it possesses properties of both a wave and an icicle, I mean a particle. It travels at 186,000 miles per second – unless it’s in a construction zone, in which case it slows down to posted speed limits in order to avoid the double penalties. But for the life of me I don’t know why the photon would “play nice” and slow down to avoid a ticket – I mean who’s going to catch it? In theory nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, but I once saw a zebra sprinting at 186,001 miles per second. It’s true. Of course, at the time, the zebra was being chased by a lion doing 186,000 mps. Motivation is where you find it.

 

But these alphanumeric hieroglyphs I produce with droll ardency cannot touch the absolute enormity of the cosmos. To get some sense of its outlandish proportions one has to approach it with a measure of humor and unorthodox comparisons. For a down to earth, intergalactic comparison (love the mixed metaphor), our Milky Way has a diameter of at least 100,000LY. It is separated from its nearest galactic neighbor, the Andromeda Galaxy, by 2.5 million LY. To put this in perspective, 2.5 million LY is almost as far as PBS’s Rick Steves traveled in 2010. There’s a lot of vacant acreage out there in space just screaming to be developed. Of course no one hears those silent screams because in space there’s only the sound of silence. That might not be totally correct. I think Einstein, Goddard and Elon Musk have all heard the siren call of the eternal cosmic voice – Giuliani, Weinstein and Heinrich Himmler, not so much. Read the rest of this entry »

1. Law and Order LGBTQ: The show is very complicated. No one can seem to keep it straight.

 

2. NYPD Bleu: New York’s finest fight crime in Paris. As you’d expect, NYPD Bleu is kind of cheesy. NYPD Bleu is recommended for viewers fromage 16 and up.
   

   That world weary look of $550K per episode.

 

3. From the producers of Dragnet comes AquaNet – a police drama made especially for women with unmanageable hair. AquaNet takes a deep dive into the murky waters of criminality. Perpetrators are pulled from the water looking like drowned rats while the lady cops who collared them emerge with perfectly coiffed hair.

 

4. From the producers of Adam-12 comes Eve-13, another law-enforcement show just for women: At first they were just ribbing the makers of Adam-12 to allow for a spin-off, and eventually Eve-13 was created from Adam’s ribbing. Adam-12 & Eve-13 are often shown back to back, although they’re usually found in the Missionary position. Either way it’s awfully sinful.

 

5. Bobbies: A very English cop show where the city of Staffordshire only hires constables named Robert. In this way all the Bobbies are Bobby’s. Where’s a Bobby when you need one? – in the Staffordshire Police Dept.

 

6. From the makers of Reno 9-1-1 comes Reno 4-1-1 – This show blows the lid off the steamy underworld of Directory Assistance Operators…and the men who love them. Some watch it and say, “More information please.” Others watch and say, “Whoa, TMI.”

 

7. The Po-po in NOLA: A New Orleans-based crime drama where the Lou-siana po-po eat po’ boy while policing. Rogue officers are accused of locking-up criminals in Cajuns. This is considered a Creole and Unusual punishment. Many viewers feel like they’ve seen this show before saying, “Beignet, done that.”

 

8. A new take on prison life is called Mechanical Fasteners in the Prison Workshop: This show is riveting – literally.

 

9. Ford Explorer SUV: Not really a cop show. Just an infomercial for the venerable Ford Explorer Sport Utility Vehicle. Many dyslexics mistake the title Law and Order: SVU for Ford Explorer SUV.

 

10. Placebo Police: Actors pretending to be police, fight and defeat criminals but only because the criminals believe the Police are real.

 

11. Who Stole My Stoll?: First World crime problems for wealthy victims. The original title was Who Scarfed My Scarf

 

12. Francis Ford’s Cop-ola: The crime-infested town of Corleone, Italy hires the mafia to run its police dept. In 1 week the crime rate drops to zero. Original title: A-cop-alypse Now!