1. Keep your friends close and your enemas closer
2. Better late than pregnant
3. Damn the torpedoes, and get me some scratch-offs
4. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for persimmons
5. Some curse the darkness. Others light a fart.
6. John Waters runs deep
   

   One good David deserves an audience.

7. God helps those who wash behind their ears
8. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Spic
9. If I said you looked like something that slid of a mud flap, would you hold it against me?
10. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Span
11. OCD’s Lament: Measure 43 times, cut once.
12. I’m only moderately clean. I’m not next to godliness, but I’m close.
13. Epidermis is only skin deep
14. Blood is redder than water
15. Man doth not live by Ramen alone
16. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy
17. Sometimes you have to fight marshmallows with marshmallows
18. Actually I was just whistlin’ Dixie
19. Cataracts are in the eye of the beholder
20. Cataracts are in the falls of many rivers
21. Cadillacs are in the garages of their owners
22. We have met the enemy; and it’s Gretchen
23. Forgive me, but amnesty is the best policy
24. One good turn deserves a reach around
25. Dove is blind. It’s also ¼ cleansing cream.
26. Actions speak louder than Gilbert Gottfried
27. Funny is the root of all anvils
28. Peeing is believing
29. When in room do as the roomans
30. Absinthe makes the wart grow fungus
31. The Golden Rule. Not amendable. Just practice it and you’ll do fine.

Rejected Attempts

• A fishing net is worth a thousand worms
• A day without sunshine is like night
• You are what you toast
• The shortest distance between 2 pimps is a whore
• You’re through buying music…until the next format is invented
• Great minds think
• Haste makes waste and Nabisco makes Oreos
• Tax evasion is the sincerest form of thievery
• You can pick your nose, You can pick your friends, But you can’t carry forth non-depreciable tax items from the previous tax year

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