And We Shall Know They are ex-Military by the Whites of Their Scalps

And We Shall Know They are ex-Military by the Whites of Their Scalps

Is this purposeful or an oops?

Be it known to all men far and wide. Whether they be newly discharged from the military or just civilians on forever furlough; do not, I repeat, do not keep your hair so short that we can see the whiteness of your scalp. I’m telling you – it’s not a good look. It’s not a high and tight haircut. It’s more like a high and uptight haircut. It makes you look like your head is suffering from drought – like your skull is a chia pet experiment gone very, very wrong.

 

The buzz on buzz cuts ain’t good. Some of you ex-military types look like you’ve been using Crest Teeth-Whitening Strips on your head? Some of you guys look albino from the neck up and the face back. You look like you got your hair cut in a pencil sharpener or they’re prepping your skull for an operation.

 

Those of us who have no choice but to bare our balding pates get a pass on scalp exposure, but for the rest of my hirsute brothers, don’t be hair impaired if you’re follicle-advantaged. Don’t be scalp proud unless there’s no choice. Friends should not be able to see their reflection in your chrome dome.

 

Remember: If you must get a haircut, please trim responsibly or use a DH – a Designated Hairstylist.

 

I wanna be a monk.

Sung to the tune of the Moody Blues “Nights in White Satin”

Knights in white scalped heads

Never reaching for combs

Toupees with thick threads

Covering our chrome domes 

 

Cuz I’m Mop Topped

Yes I’m Mop Topped

Ooooh Mooop Tooopped

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