Be it known to all men far and wide. Whether they be newly discharged from the military or just civilians on forever furlough; do not, I repeat, do not keep your hair so short that we can see the whiteness of your scalp. I’m telling you – it’s not a good look. It’s not a high and tight haircut. It’s more like a high and uptight haircut. It makes you look like your head is suffering from drought – like your skull is a chia pet experiment gone very, very wrong.
The buzz on buzz cuts ain’t good. Some of you ex-military types look like you’ve been using Crest Teeth-Whitening Strips on your head? Some of you guys look albino from the neck up and the face back. You look like you got your hair cut in a pencil sharpener or they’re prepping your skull for an operation.
Those of us who have no choice but to bare our balding pates get a pass on scalp exposure, but for the rest of my hirsute brothers, don’t be hair impaired if you’re follicle-advantaged. Don’t be scalp proud unless there’s no choice. Friends should not be able to see their reflection in your chrome dome.
Remember: If you must get a haircut, please trim responsibly or use a DH – a Designated Hairstylist.
Sung to the tune of the Moody Blues “Nights in White Satin”
♫Knights in white scalped heads
Never reaching for combs
Toupees with thick threads
Covering our chrome domes
Cuz I’m Mop Topped
Yes I’m Mop Topped
Ooooh Mooop Tooopped♫