Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. 

   Anyone can curate a sanely organized museum. It takes someone with a really tilted uterus (or whatever the male equivalent is) to curate one of these more avant garde museums. 

   Ripley’s Believe It Museum – A trove of mundane accomplishments from the world of the ordinary. It features a telephone in the shape of a telephone, someone walking and chewing gum and a vacuum that absolutely sucks.

2. Museum of Vincent Van Gogh’s Severed Ear – As you might imagine, it’s an eerie experience. At least from what I hear. The great impressionist’s cartilage may or may not be the genuine article, but it gives the impression it’s Van Gogh’s ear. Most feel it’s a prosthetic experience – both the museum and the ear.
3. Museum of Weight Loss – It went belly up.
4. Hall of Interminable Robocalls – This is that special place in hell everyone refers to. Convicted masterminds of robocalls are sentenced there to an eternity where they are interminably intruded upon. The convicts also time share listening to timeshare presentations.
5. Halfway House for Fullbacks – Construction delays left the halfway house halfway built so it could only house quarterbacks
6. Museum of All the Arms, Legs and Noses that Have Been Knocked-Off Statues – This museum of disembodied appendages never caught the public’s imagination. Museums of torsos and heads are far more popular. Anything else is just a knock-off.
7. Tribute Band Hall of Fame – (Speaking of knock-offs) People didn’t want to pay hard-earned money to see rock paraphernalia from imitation bands. Tribute bands like Nearvana, Led Dirigible, Firearms-n-Flowers, Magenta Floyd, Band Hailin’, Gratified to be Deceased and The Ned Parsons Project just didn’t generate the interest when compared to the real article. Visitors said it was like watching copycat paint dry.
8. Font Museum – I didn’t like it – wasn’t my type.
9. International Museum of Pancakes –They’re all here: Johnny Cakes, Hoe Cakes, Flap Jacks and Griddle Orbs. All are beautifully preserved in amber urethane. See the pancake that Wolfman Jack was eating when his breakfast was interrupted by Edgar Winter. The Museum has been criticized for trying to stay relevant by co-opting the “no 2 snowflakes are alike” thing and applying it to pancakes. Well it turns out people don’t care if “no 2 pancakes are alike.” They care more about fluffiness, stackability and syrup absorption.

Read the rest of this entry »

1. Airlines to start charging people for carry on. Damn it! That’s going to cost me a fortune. I’ve been carrying on for decades.
2. Not only carry on, but now umbrella charges are in effect making it very expensive for Mary Poppins to fly.
3. Congregating near the front lavatory not only allowed, but encouraged – as long as the congregation is led by a clergyman
4. 

   Hey senor airlines. You’ve got some ‘plaining to do.

   It’s lax at LAX. LAX to screen passengers with one question: “Has anyone else had access to your underwear today?”

5. New policy for passengers with service dogs: Dogs must be on a short leash. Humans must be crated.
6. In the event of an “unplanned depressurization” overhead oxygen masks will still drop down, but they can only be activated by agreeing to a Reverse Mortgage
7. Same holds true for a “planned depressurization”
8. During cart service, some drinks may be poured by pilots performing barrel rolls
9. Inflight movies must now include both the William Shatner and the John Lithgow versions of Twilight Zone’s “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”
10. Bathrooms now equipped with webcams so airlines can verify people who’ve joined the Mile High Club: A commemorative certificate and a moist towelette are issued for couples achieving the event. Nothing is given for those soloing.
11. Seat backs and tray tables must now be kept in the downright and opened positions during take-off and landing. They must be upright and locked during the cruise portion.
12. All air sickness bags now pre-filed with yogurt.
13. Pants – optional
14. Boeing to introduce “Glass bottom fuselages.”
15. All inflight magazine must feature a buff centerfold of shirtless Orville and Wilbur Wright riding a bicycle built for 2
16. As long as you look disinterested, you may pet the person next to you
17. Special seating area in the back for people possessing wide child-bearing hips. Only 2 seats per row instead of 3.  
18. At their option people may exit via the jet way corridor or a passenger-deployed slidey chute.
19. All galleys now equipped with a Walk-thru Starbucks.

1. The USS Air Guitar – A USO ship where servicemen can practice their air-guitar playing skills far from the prying eyes of civilian landlubbers. All types of invisible air-instruments: air-tubas, air-triangles, air-kazoos, air drumsticks (chicken and the invisible wooden kind). Kindly note: Playing of the Skin Flute is prohibited.
2. The Chantix – Captained by Ray Liotta, this Big Pharma “Safe-Boat” is a place where smokers can go when suffering from the brutal side effects of Chantix. Whether you want to harm yourself or others, The Chantix is a free-floating safe haven for nicotine-deprived desperados. And all in a secure and welcoming environment free from the unforgiving sharpness of metal eating utensils.
3. 

   Why is the “ch” silent in yacht? Very confusingch. 

   The Conversion Therapy – Sail away a Christian and return a Jew. This is just one example of the transformative power of this specialty ship. It works on all types of individuals who want to change their affiliations. Note: Does not work on Gay men. In fact it tends to reinforce the orientation what with all those guys crammed into close quarters on a steamy ship with too few bunks and too many disco balls.

4. The Leakey Lucy – This is the aging yacht of the famous family of anthropologists – the Leakey’s. Friends are reluctant to sail on her because they say, “It’s a Leakey boat.” The Leakey family calls these frightened little hominids nothing more than “Neanderthals.” Dr. Richard Leakey has examined the ship from stem to stern and says (not surprisingly), “Even though she’s showing some age, she has really good bones.”
5. The STD – Flagship for the CDC (Center for Disease Control). This floating Petri Dish is usually under quarantine, however, the STD and her sister ship the Gonorrhea, are still popular with risk-taking bareback sailors. A word of advice: Stay topside and avoid plunging into the murky world “below decks.”
6. HMS Regicide – A killer of a ship. Not very popular with the royal family. Princes check in, but they don’t check out.
7. Holy Ship✝ – Thee choice of seafaring Popes and retired Popes too! The Vatican knows it would be easier for Popes to simply part the seas and walk to their destination, but that would be too Holy-wood.
8. Holey Ship – Swiss-flagged ship used in transporting their cheese.
9. Wholey Foods Ship – Jeff Bezos, pleasure craft/hobby horse. The view is free, but the food is g-astronomical.
10. HMS Foreskin – Under no circumcision should men of an uncut disposition board this ship.
11. The Lady Marmalade – Party boat for booze cruising
12. The Lady Marmalade Light – For those boats, who on the advice of a certified Shipwright, are on a sucrose-restricted diet
13. USS Bilge – A service convoy ship. Sailors stay pumped-up while listening to Mary J Blige. Not being glib, but Bilge’s blaring of Blige, obliges all to stay motivated.
14. Listing Heavily – What else? The corporate yacht of Craigslist.
15. The Bloody Vessel – A Red Cross Hospital Ship, true to its name. Transfusions galore – most of them voluntary.
16. The Capsized Challenge – The upside down brainchild of the Escape Room people, this inverted floating tomb is straight outta the Poseidon Adventure. You mission is to restore her to right side up in less than an hour or join Davy Jones in his locker. ♫There’s got to be a morning after♫
17. The Metastatic – Owned by the American Medical Association. The ship grows on you very quickly, although everyone is in complete denial about it.
18. “My Other Ship is a Cadillac” – A simple fishing trawler. For those who aspire to greater vehicles
19. The #metoo – She’s a beautiful and worthy ship. Advised you don’t touch anything on board without permission.
20. Frigate, I’m Angry – An ideal vessel for offloading your unmitigated hostility into international waters where it belongs
21. The Yellow Submarine – Very popular with cartoon characters and piloted by Captain Crunch.
22. The Border Wall Avoider – An unregistered speed boat. The crew of 2 is capable of cramming 15 “passengers” into the “cargo hold” designed for a set of golf clubs. Ideal for one way trips.
23. Can-do Canoe – The size of a Swiss Army knife, this multi-function Can-do Canoe can open beer bottles, clean teeth and shock telemarketers from a distance. Must have a gung-ho, fired-up, can-do attitude to operate.
24. Crawling Trawler – Powered by snails, this slow moving Trawler travels at (you guessed it) a snail’s pace. We don’t know why, but the company literature warns: “Do not get it wet.”

 Types of Legislatures by Locale

1. Washington DC – Bicameral Legislature: 2 Legislative Bodies. The House of Representatives and the Senate
2. Nebraska – Unicameral: One Legislative Body
3. Hershey, PA – Chocolate Caramel: Caramel Center enclosed in a House of Chocolate
4. Egypt – Bactrian Camel: Single Hump Legislature operates only on Wednesday (Hump Day)
5. Saudi Arabia – Dromedary Camel: Two Hump Legislature. Elected officials will walk a mile for them.
6. Old Soviet Union – Polit Bureau: The Bureau where apparatchiks gathered to use their rubber stamp
7. Russia – Put In Bureau: I’m sorry, it’s Putin Bureau. Where elected officials put in what Putin says.
8. Japan – The Japanese Diet: I’m not kidding. It’s actually called the Diet. And when Japan needs to rein in spending it’s called the Austerity Diet.
9. Germany – The Bundestag: Again, actual name. The Bundestag. German is such a beautiful language.
10. Iceland – The Frigidaire: Alright so I made that one up. So sue me.

Ray Liotta’s agent is getting him some choice parts these days like the smoking cessation commercial for Chantix.

Chantix Warnings: 
1. Chantix may cause urine to form swear words in the toilet. 
2. If you’re not currently a communist, you will be after taking Chantix. 
3. Chantix is not recommended for aging actors hoping to spawn new careers.
4. After your 4th dosage you’ll realize Minnie Ripperton’s song “Lovin’ You” is about her daughter Maya Rudolph.
5. Whether you take Chantix or not you will Google #4.

What is this a countdown: 20,19,18,17 etc.

As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.

No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.

So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.

Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things. 

Anniversary Gifts for the 21^st Century

In response to Hallmark’s more traditional anniversary gifts, Sir Reginald Drumthwacket, the eccentric trendsetter of the normally hidebound Harrods’s department store in England, presents a decidedly peculiar alternative.

Sir Reginald Drumthwacket’s Most Judicious Guide to Proper Wedding Anniversary Gifts for inter-spousal commemoration of their marriage date. Ordered by Years:

1. Monogrammed His & Hers Catheters – Who wants to get out of bed every night to answer the call? Am I right? Nighttime collection can be purified while you sleep, and ready for recycling the next morning. Available only at Harrods.
2. Cancellation of Netflix Subscription – Now you’ll have the time to do something together besides watch TV (and the other thing).
3. Ancestry.com’s “Please Tell Me I’m Not Related to Hitler” family tree research kit.
4. An autographed copy of the book: Ventriloquism for Dummies. It’s autographed by the ghost writer of course.
5. 23andMe’s What Will I Die From? DNA Testing Kit – Give the gift that helps you determine which of you should buy more life insurance.
6. Single Use Paper Towel Shower Curtain – People think they’re stupid until they try one, which then removes all doubt.
7. Soothing Talcum Powder – Helps prevent the 7 year itch
8. 23andMe’s Could I Be Black? DNA Testing Kit for white people – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
9. Stilts – Don’t be caught short. They can elevate your marriage to a whole new level. Great fun when watching the movie Walking Tall.
10. 23andMe’s How White Am I? DNA Testing Kit for people of color – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
11. Crystal Blue Persuasion – Great gift. We’re told It’s a new vibration.
12. Brownish Stains on Fresh Linens – You’d be surprised just how popular these blemishes of questionable origin are becoming. Not a gag gift, although you may gag upon opening it. Choose from ochres, umbers and burnt siennas. Half the fun is using the post-shower curtain paper towel from your 6^th anniversary to clean the stains.
13. T-shirt Proclaiming: I’m Not Up to Speed on Anything.
14. Video of Annette Funicello singing “Monkey’s Uncle.” Annette Beach Boys Monkeys Uncle – Enjoy America’s early 60’s sweetheart as she sings and dances with the Beach Boys’ Mike Love. Thrill to witness Mike Love’s reluctant kind of dancing that make plodding zombies look like Mikhail Baryshnikov.
15. Tungsten – Not something you’d usually associate with matrimonial bliss, but metals in solid form are the new gold. Which, now that I think of it, is also a metal in solid form. OK just skip 13 altogether and go straight to 14, in kind of a Marital Leap Year. 13 is unlucky anyway.
16. An Annealing Oven – Why stand over a hot stove when you can be a kneeling?
17. Cellulite – Just like a diamond, cellulite is forever. Again, not something you’d normally associate with matrimonial bliss, but fat in solid form is the new lipid, which, now that I think of it, is also a fat in solid form. The point is, it’s better to receive cellulite from a loved one than from the tiramisu at the Cheesecake Factory.
18. Daylight Savings Time Piggy Bank – Save your sunshine for a rainy day.
19. Egg Beater T-shirts saying: I Was Scrambled at the Factory. Note: Wife Beater T-shirt no longer available.
20. An Empty Tin of Evaporated Milk – Well, what else would you expect? It’s evaporated.

    21. thru Infinity. Love – Remember, All You Need is Love

At least 25 senior citizens were believed to have been shot this morning at a downtown Reno Walgreens Pharmacy. What we know so far is that they were all shot in the same appendage at close range and that miraculously every one of them has survived. Well no group has yet taken credit for the assault, no one is really disowning it either. This shooting seems to have been months in the planning. At a slowly arranged press conference, a Walgreens spokesman reminded everyone that each of these senior citizen voluntarily signed-up for their shot, just as they do every year during flu season: “We always shoot the old people first because they’re the most vulnerable population. Maybe ‘inoculate’ would be a better word to use than ‘shoot.’ ”  

As reports of the immunization circulated President Trump tweeted: “Had I known these senior citizens were in danger I would’ve stepped in and taken their shots for them.” The NRA had no comment on the latest in mass shootings except to say: “If hypodermic needles are outlawed, only outlaws will have hypodermic needles.”

Even in the wake of this mass shooting, Big Pharma is planning more nationwide shootings in order to protect the public from God-given pathogens. And the public seems willing to go along with anything that will shield them from the ravages of Cold & Flu season. A Big Pharma spokes-enabler said: “We firmly believe in shooting citizens for their own good. And that it’s vital to adhere to that portion of the 2^nd Amendment facilitating these shots – The right to bare arms.”

As usual, our thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who were shot.

Philadelphia airport’s people mover voted Most Moving Sidewalk. Even the most stoic business people succumb to its poignancy.

A horizontal people conveyor at Philadelphia’s International Airport was voted Most Moving Sidewalk by the APA (Airline Passengers Association). This particular moving sidewalk is located in the lower concourse and has surprised many unwary riders by providing more than just a perfunctory ride from Terminal 3 to Terminal 4. Many unsuspecting passengers have boarded the moving sidewalk at one end composed and collected, only to find themselves a bawling heap of inconsolable emotion at the other end. Make no mistake about it: this is a very moving sidewalk. Airport surveillance video of this moving sidewalk shows that at about the 20 foot mark most people start to sniffle; by 60 feet they’re visibly weeping and by the time they arrive at the end of the line they’re clutching the handrail and crying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy.”

Many theories have been advanced as to why this sidewalk is so moving (besides the motor, of course). Some say it’s Philadelphia’s history of “brotherly love” that imbues the track with an overwhelming feeling of human fellowship. Others say it’s residual “Spirit of ’76” energy, whereby the sidewalk seems to be built over a whirlpool of patriotic fervor. Still others believe there’s some kind of emotional vortex permeating the interconnected treads. Even Dr. Phil was stumped when he was brought in to survey the situation, saying, “It is truly an ironic twist, that this flat, slow-speed sidewalk somehow offers a roller coaster of emotions – go figure.”   

Whether it’s called “assistive transportation for the be-luggaged traveler” or a “lateral respite for lazy-ass bipeds”, this moving sidewalk transports you in more ways than one. Sensitive fliers find its treads unaccountably poignant. “They’re not just horizontal people movers,” said a choked-up Jessica Caffrey after de-sidewalking on her way to Spokane, “They’re a human conveyor belt to profound emotion. Again, I can’t say it enough – this isn’t just a moving sidewalk – it’s a moving sidewalk. Right about the 60 foot mark you come to understand just how fleeting life’s journey is. And when I’m riding it I can sense the poignancy of the moving sidewalk as a metaphor for life’s all too short journey. Some say one can get a similar feeling on a certain Planet Fitness treadmill in Austin, TX. And I tried it, but it’s just not the same – all I did was get a little misty at the 20 minute mark doing 3.5 mph at a 2° incline. I mean it was a moving treadmill. It just didn’t find it that moving.”

The APA voted overwhelmingly for this sidewalk. A moving sidewalk at the San Antonio airport finished second, but all it did was to cause people to remember the Alamo. The Philadelphia sidewalk on the other hand caused passengers to be swept up in an epic emotional drama. So much so that this Philadelphia Airport moving sidewalk is staffed with a warning sign at its entrance and grief counselors at its exit. The warning sign reads: If you’re carrying a lot of baggage (emotional or otherwise) please avoid this conveyance. The Dr. Phil trained grief counselors at the egress point offer tea & sympathy.

So while this moving sidewalk continues to baffle experts with its emotionally moving experience, reports have begun to circulate that some of Philadelphia Airport’s toilet seats are also providing moving experiences; which is good news for the constipated who are now flocking to these restrooms on the lower concourse near Terminal 4 to find relief. After the catharsis of the moving sidewalk to Terminal 4 and a stint in the purgative bathroom they emerge a reborn passenger without any baggage at all, except their carry on.