Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category
Unified Field in One Neat Package
April 15th, 2023 | 
Author: FedEx shipping to a UPS store?
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My God, don’t you see what’s happening here. The shipping industry is all one. The people are all one. Everything is unified and we don’t even know it.
This conspiracy goes right to the top. The Almighty’s fingerprints are all over this one.
When it absolutely, positively has to be everything, everywhere, all at once.
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Popular New Food Network Shows
Popular New Food Network Shows Part I
- The Butcherlor: Young female carnivores vie for the affections of a hunky single butcher. Most get chopped. The winner is neatly tied-up in wax paper and then slid across a stainless-steel counter into the waiting arms of the Butchelor. Anyway you cut it, this show is a real meat market.
- Queer Food for the Straight Guy: This show introduces breeders to LGBTQ cuisine. Watch as a straight guy is served a BLT where the B, L and T do not stand for bacon, lettuce or tomato. This is a sandwich you need to chew very, very carefully.
Baking Bad: A high school chemistry teacher turns to a life of baking bad, meth-based brownies in order to ensure his family’s financial security. He responds to others ridiculing his baking by saying, “I am the one who mocks.”- Mallard in the Middle: A Mallard Duck is stuffed between a turkey and a chicken creating the very first turducken. This turducken is then woefully undercooked. In fact, the whole show is kinda half-baked.
- Alimentary My Dear Watson: Chef Sherlock Holmes takes his loyal assistant Dr. Watson on a gastronomic tour of London in hopes of detecting any trace of edible British cuisine. When Holmes asks his associate, “Do you also find the blood pudding dreadful?” Watson responds, “No sh*t Sherlock.”
- Hogan’s Gyros: At the height of WWII a group of daring Greek commandos infiltrate Nazi Germany and open a sandwich shop in the Little Athens section of Berlin. The restaurant however, is really a front for sabotaging the Third Reich.
- Naked and Sautéed: Two unclothed chefs are dropped in the middle of a Panda Express where they must whip-up a chicken stir-fry without singeing their dangling bits. Show is guaranteed to knock your woks off.
- Parm to Table: An array of exotic parmesans is served-up including Koala Parm and Marm Parm (made with real marmoset).
- The Webbed-foot Contessa: She walks like a duck and cooks like a duck, but she’s not a duck. Watch, as any criticism of her cooking runs right off her back. BTW, the Web-footed Contessa’s father, who is a disreputable doctor, has a sister show called “Quack.”
- Trans to Table: This show spotlights nonbinary farmers who will only grow plants that have had their angiosperm reassigned
- Foodies with Benefits: This tender Tinder show follows foodies who make a mess in the kitchen – and not from cooking food either.
- Slaughterhouse to Nugent: The Food Network celebrates the diet of extreme carnivore Ted Nugent
***Palette Cleanser***
Popular New Food Network Shows Part II
- Jellowstone: Stalwart Montana rancher John Dutton must decide between his love of family or his love of gelatin. And although at times Dutton can be sweet, he’s no Jolly Rancher.
- Better Phone Joan: In this prequel to Better Call Saul, we see savvy culinary lawyer Joan Child (Julia’s granddaughter) lawfully protecting the copyrights of chefs’ recipes. When someone is stealing a proprietary recipe, chefs everywhere agree: Better Phone Joan.
- Is it a Refreshing Lemon Ice or Icky Yellow Snow? : Taste means everything in this show where one wrong lick and urine trouble. Show is a real pisser.
- Orange Chicken is the New Blackened Redfish: This New Orleans based show explains how orange chicken overtook blackened redfish in popularity. This NOLA show’s theme song is a modified version of the Kinks’ “Lola” – ♫NOLA, N-O-L-A, NOLA just like cherry cola ♫
- The CIA’s Stolen Secrets: Top Secret recipes are stolen from the other CIA (Culinary Institute of America). If they fall into the wrong hands, it could ruin Beef Wellington for generations. You know what to do: Better Phone Joan.
- The Brady Lunch: A widow and widower decide to pool their resources in opening a restaurant called Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Parents Carol and Mike work the front of the house while chef Alice does all the scut work in the back with the “help” of their bunch of 6 unorganized children. Alpha-kid Greg succeeds in unionizing the Bunch and they all get a 10 This is where the expression, “It’s like herding Brady’s” came from.
- Bunsmoke: When the town’s only bakery keeps burning all the pastries, Sheriff Matt Dillon must figure out who’s the pyro-pastry perp. He remarks to Miss Kitty, “I’ve heard of Hot Cross Buns, but this is ridiculous.”
- Weiner 8000: The Food Network’s Investigative Unit blows the lid off dangerously high mileage hot dogs spinning at 7-11’s across the country. Most have been rotating for over 8000 miles and are completely bald. Other hot dogs are so old they have meat in them from animals that are now extinct.
- Taco Bell’s Really, Really Fast Run for the Border: Show features their new stomach-bloating “Farm to Toilet” menu
- It’s Always Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia: In this delightful re-boot of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a maniacal Danny DeVito takes control of the restaurant association and forces cheesesteaks onto the menu of every single restaurant.
- Mickey D’s: Show fantasizes what a restaurant would be like if McDonald’s and Disney combined forces. Menu items include Pitas of the Caribbean, Filet-o-Nemo, Egg McMouses, Frickin’ McNuggets and Cryogenically Frozen Walt Swirls. For those counting calories a Tinkerbell menu is available.
- Whiners, Sit-ins and Hives: Guy Fieri dines with complainers, college protesters and beekeepers. Eventually they all end up eating crow.
- Soup to Nuts: In this psychologically revealing show, unsuspecting diners begin their meals with some relatively tame chicken soup. Unbeknownst to them, they are progressively served foods that induce insanity. At the end of the meal, diners are absolutely nuts. “Soup to Nuts” is a favorite of lunatics everywhere.
- Fingerling Earthling: Dr. Moreau meets Mr. Potato Head. A crazed plant geneticist creates a potato with human aspirations. The resultant spud seems more interested in collecting social security than in putting in a good day’s work. So what else is new?
Benedict’s Quote of the Day
“Cumberbatch’s cummerbund was unencumbered by cucumbers.”
Look Ma, no cukes!
BRAINDRUFF
1. What do you call many dams built in a stream? —- Brook Shields
2. I think Nostril Shaming will be the next body image attack so try to be nostril positive.
3. If Iowa died, would it lie in state?
4. If a George Santos died, would he just continue to lie.
5. When urinals were installed in early movie theaters, that began the first streaming service. Did this streaming service work? – Depends.
6. The word “oodles” is tragically underused
7. If you want to sound like Elmer Fudd, instead of pronouncing it “tragically” pronounce it “twagicwee”
8. Johnny is “actose intolerant.” He avoids mik.
9. I can’t honestly say “I am.” I’m just Am-ish
10. Cher (76) just married a man young enough (36) to be her grandson. No problem though, since he identifies as a geriatric and she identifies as a crisis.
11. Denali is not just a mountain in Alaska. No wait. That’s de Nile.
12. Does the water from my refrigerator really need to be filtered. Wouldn’t it be just like drinking from the tap? Those pricey filters are just a profit center for LG, like printer cartridges are for HP. I’m calling BS on LG and HP.
13. What the hell is a “normal school”?
14. I eat the cookies in my computer. Byte by byte.
15. Horses are always in their hay day
16. Is a hippocampus a place where hippos go to school?
17. In Tom Cruise, Hollywood has made a mountain out of a mogul
18. The creator of a shop that welded metal flounder for displays was losing money. Headline in the paper read: Founder of Flounder Foundry Floundering. The whole thing was kinda (let’s say it together) “Fishy.” If he was an artist the whole thing would’ve been kinda “sketchy.”
19. Same day a midget clairvoyant escaped from jail. Headline in paper read: Small Medium at Large.
20. His goal was rather underwhelming. He wanted to be placed on administrative leave, while under house arrest.
21. I came close to having one of those Near-Death Experiences. But it was just a near Near-Death Experience.
22. Did you know that in Australia, the export of sheep is a cash cow
23. And remember, despite all the troubles in the world: Don’t sweat the onions – It’s all onions.
24. That’s it for now. Bye bye. Or as they say in Tinsel Town: Oodles of toodles to you.
PSA from the Makers of Ex•Lax
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Ex•Lax unveils their new toilet for constipated people.
How does it work? It scares the sh*t out of them.
What Do You Call People From…?
1. Antwerp…. Twerps
2. Jacksonville…. The Village People
3. Amsterdam…. Amsterdamnits
4. Botswana…. BotsWannabees
5. Livermore…. Livermorons
6. Dubai…. Doobies
7. Auckland…. Awkwards
8. Gaza Strip…. Gaza Strippers
9. Bangkok…. People from “Bangkok” are simply embarrassed
10. Walla Walla…. Walla Walla Bing Bangs
11. Nantucket…. Side Note: I once knew a man from Nantucket
12. Las Vegas…. Vegans
13. Buffalo…. Carnivores
14. Transylvania…. Trans (But they identify as non-vampire)
15. Budapest…. Budapestilents
16. Paris…. Snooty
16. Reno…. Renoites
17. Denver…. Denverites
18. Overb…. Overbites
19. Beverly Hills…. Wealthy
20. Brussels…. Sprouts
21. Moscow…. Drunks
22. St. Petersburg…. The citizens formerly known as Leningraders
23. Duluth…. The Dulleth People on Earth
24. England…. Limeys
25. Lima…. Limays
26. Greece…. Slimeys
27. Pirate Cove…. Blimeys
28. Madrid…. Madreadfuls
29. Liverpool…. Beatles
30. Helsinki…. Helfloati
31. Kuala Lumpur…. Kuala Lumpers
32. Hanoi…. Hannoying
33. Juneau…. Juneau what? People from Juneau are very cold.
34. Eugene…. Eugenies
35. Delhi…. Delhicatessens
36. Seattle…. Satellites
37. Howe Cavern…. Stalactites
38. Detroit…. Detroiters
39. Mega-thyroid…. Biggoiters
40. Fargo…. Fargoners
41. Catville…. Pussies
42. Hamburg…. Hamburgers
43. Frankfurt…. They are the Wurst
44. Nome…. Young Ladies are called Misnomers. Natives are Eskinomes
45. Leipzig…. Nazis (yes, still Nazis)
46. The Hague…. The The’s
47. Rome…. Roamers
48. Xanadu…. Xanadogooders
49. Islamabad…. Islamabadasses
50. Memphis…. Memphistophelians
51. Miami…. Mimis or Mariah Careys
52. Richardville…. People from Richardville are a Bunch of Dicks
53. Tel Aviv…. Tell a Vivians
54. Baghdad…. Baghdaddies
55. Kazakhstan…. Kazakstanleys
56. Lisbon…. Lisbians
57. Dike, Ohio…. Dykes
58. Winnipeg…. Winni-margarets
59. Bonn…. Bonn Bonns
60. Narnia…. Narnians
61. Kalamazoo…. Kalamazoologists
62. Sweden…. Sweetish
63. Liverpool…. Hepatitispudlians
64. London…. Good-ole-blokes-fine-chaps-and-all-that
65. Yemen…. Yemeni (If you’re at war with them, they’re Enemy Yemeni)
66. Bethlehem…. Jesuits
And finally, if you’re from Earth, you have a limited time here so try to avoid grievances, judgments and people from Kalamazoo.
Little Known Real Estate Disclosure Forms
- Form NoMother, NotAgain: Makes it illegal to sell a home with a desiccated corpse sitting in an attic rocking chair
- Form #YouToo: Notifies buyer the home will be sold with an onsite Intimacy Coordinator who will ensure all sexual acts are entered into consensually
- Form 666: Makes it mandatory to report if a house is located over a fiery portal to Hellish doom. This is more commonly known as the Amityville Advisory
- Form No-Life-Story: Prohibits prospective buyer from writing a cutesy, sympathy-mining letter to the seller explaining how “it would be such an honor if you chose my husband (Pastor Caleb Musgrave) and our 2 children Caitlyn and Josh (who’s on the spectrum) to buy your lovely home for $50,000 under market price and carry on the neighborly principles you’ve…” blah, blah, blah.
- Form 420: Seller must report if, in any room, someone spoke the phrase: “Wow man…it’s like the walls are breathing”
- Form Powder Keg Alert: Discloses how many farts are trapped in the insulation. This way if there’s a fire, it gives first responders an indicator of the dwelling’s potential explosivity and the amount of fire suppression needed. Many real estate agents think this fart form stinks.
- Form CV-19: Seller must report if the house ever operated as a Wuhan Wet Market
- Forms #1 or #2: Seller shall advise buyer if anyone ever went to the bathroom in a room where there wasn’t a toilet
- Form U-235: Seller must disclose if plutonium (or any other fissile material) was ever enriched on premises
- Non-discriminatory Form: That irrespective of race, color or creed all will be given equal access to this property. More specifically, minorities will be given access to the property, they just won’t be allowed to buy it.
- Form Caveat Emptor: This form urges that the Buyer Beware.
Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever: Mostly from Drs and Dentists
- Let’s play “Dentist” and I’ll fill your cavities
- Jesus may have died for your sins, but right now I’m dying for them.
- I’d really like you to activate my streaming service
- I like the way your teeth come together. Maybe we could too.
- If I said you had a tipped pelvis, would you hold it against me?
- As a matter of fact I am a gynecologist and I’m at your cervix madam
- I bet I know your favorite number? – It’s Novocain. {Get it…numb-er}
My Brain Dropping Exercise (In lieu of getting counseling)
- Progress on the set. My Intimacy Coordinator used to direct me with a 10-foot pole. Now she uses a 6-foot pole. What’s next – a yardstick.
- Worst pick-up line ever: “Jesus may have died for your sins, but right now I’m dying for them.”
- What’s a foot to do? My stout toenails keep breaking my nail clippers: #keratinstrong #toejamfootball #thislittlepiggie
- My dentist also operates a popular taco truck. He’s a real cavity-filler.
- Where’s Marilyn McCoo these days? She was the 1970s Tyra Banks.
- And Speaking of Banks. Could I be any less excited about that stealthy street artist Banksy? You’ve got dedicated artists spending thousands of dollars on Masters of Fine Arts programs, and this guy spray paints a “Keep on Truckin'” dude on a brick wall in an alley and suddenly it’s a National Heritage Site.
- I’m not really white. I’m just choosing to be white. Some say gay people do this with their sexuality – that it’s a choice. Hmmm. I wonder if I could pray the “white” away.
- Mt. Denali has gone from Mt. McKinley and back to Mt. Denali again. Remember folks. It’s just a mountain and will always be a mountain no matter what you call it. Then again see #9
- What’s in a name? The United States had a Department of War from 1789 until 1947 when it was eventually changed to the less bellicose and more protective Department of Defense. Were we actively planning or seeking wars until 1947?
- Why am I just finding out now there’s Double Stuf Oreos? Damn it people. Keep me in the loop.
- Was Zsa Zsa Gabor’s middle name Zsa? Asking for Boutros Boutros Galli.
Contentious Neighbors Trade Barbs
In an unexpected twist, usually argumentative neighbors Sam Fields and Roger McCoy traded Barbs recently. Sam acquired Barbara McCoy (Roger’s wife of 21 years) and Roger received Barbara Fields (Sam’s wife of 23 years). The Barbs were traded at the request of the wives who could no longer stand their grumpy husbands.
The Barbs’ issued a joint statement saying they didn’t think the trade was as much wife-swapping as it was strife-swapping.
In other news: It is now understood that whenever an elbow or a doobie issue a statement, it’s by definition a joint statement.