Failed Candy Bars

  1. York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
  2. Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
  3. Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
  4. Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
  5. Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
  6. Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it

    So many cavities. So little time.

  7. 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
  8. Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
  9. Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
  10. Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
  11. Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
  12. Twits – Twix for stupid people
  13. DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
  14. Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
  15. Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
  16. Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
  17. Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
  18. Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
  19. $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
  20. Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
  21. M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
  22. Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
  23. Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
  24. Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
  25. Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
  26. Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
  27. Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
  28. Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
  29. Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
  30. Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
  31. Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
  32. Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
  33. Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
  34. Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
  35. Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
  36. Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
  37. Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
  38. Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
  39. 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
  40. Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
  41. Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place


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