Failed Candy Bars
- York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
- Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
- Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
- Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
- Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
- Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it
- 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
- Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
- Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
- Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
- Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
- Twits – Twix for stupid people
- DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
- Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
- Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
- Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
- Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
- Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
- $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
- Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
- M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
- Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
- Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
- Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
- Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
- Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
- Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
- Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
- Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
- Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
- Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
- Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
- Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
- Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
- Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
- Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
- Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
- Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
- 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
- Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
- Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place
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