Girl Scouts of America’s proposed new logo.

Girl Scouts of America (GSA) have taken what was traditionally a little charitable bake sale and transformed it into a sophisticated glucose delivery system. Frantic sales scenes like the following have been reported all across America as a kind of cookie-mania has swept over our nations medical marijuana dispensaries.

Near the entrance to Pot Shots in Portland, OR, 9-year old Becky Galvin was all dressed up in her freshly pressed Girl Scout uniform when she looked up at red-eyed Eddie Miller and observed, “You look like you could use a box of my Thin Mints.”

“How much for a box,” blurted-out a fidgety Mr. Miller?

A match made in marketing heaven.

“Five dollars sir,” politely answered Becky.

“I’ll take 20.” Mr. Miller quickly tossed a C-note on the portable plastic table Mrs. Galvin had purchased recently at Costco and in the span of 2 minutes, 19 boxes were loaded into the meshed netting of his 2008 Honda Element. He reserved one box for his personal use in the front seat.

“This box’ll be empty before I ever get home,” Mr. Miller remarked before mistakenly wishing Becky good luck on her new religion.   

In another quadrant of the Medical Marijuana universe:

At the entryway to Mary Wanna Joint in Reno, NV, little Brownie Kayla Matson of Girl Scout Troop 420 had just opened for business. Her free samples of Tagalongs had set off a weed stampede for the sweet treats. Like ants finding a gooey candy bar melted on the sidewalk, the sugary samples were being scooped up faster than Becky and her mom could set them out. The tasty Tagalongs were gobbled greedily by the gluttonous ganja gang. It all worked out though, because in just over 2 hours little Kayla had sold out her entire stock of 460 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies thereby winning a $100 gift card from the Washoe County Association of Dentists.

Even though cookie sales event went well, Kayla seemed upset about something and confided to her mother, “Mom, I don’t understand. Why did so many of the customers say they wanted to eat me?”

“Eat you? Oh, no,” laughed Mrs. Matson. “You misunderstood them. They said they wanted to eat a brownie with marijuana in it. They’re called edibles.”

As reward for the good work exhibited by Becky and Kayla, they both earned merit badges in Munchie Prevention. They were also featured in a High Times magazine article entitled Becky and Kayla’s Excellent Adventure. Some charged the GSA of unfairly targeting a compromised and defenseless demographic – starving stoners. Others saw it as a savvy marketing ploy where willing buyers were synced with willing sellers and everyone was left satisfied with the transaction.

GSA spokeswoman Olivia Peterson explained: “It’s not like we’re operating some kind of deep state bake sale, or doing anything illegal. By selling at medical marijuana dispensaries we’re more like an escort service for cookies. We bring hungry buyers and enthusiastic sellers together in a safe and hygienic environment. We don’t want to go back to the dark days of coercive marketing schemes designed to guilt citizens into purchasing cookies from troops of little apple-cheeked cherubs strategically deployed in front of banks and grocery stores. No, those dark days are gone forever as we move from a guilt-based marketing plan to a cannabis-based one.

“In target marketing directly where it’s needed most, everybody gets what they want and no one gets hurt. What more could you ask for in a consensual cookie exchange? Today’s entrepreneurial scouts just set up shop at the entrance to a medical marijuana dispensary and the sweet little morsels practically sell themselves. And when I say ‘sweet little morsels’ I’m referring to the cookies and not the brownies. I mean the cookies and not the girl scouts. I think there’s something in these brownies they gave me. I’ve probably said too much already and better end this press conference soon.

“But please remember, food deserts often surround medical marijuana dispensaries and the GSA are merely providing a service to hypoglycemic stoners. Most of our customers aren’t even high or munchie-compromised when they arrive at the dispensary. But the clear-thinking ones know they’ll soon be happily herbed-up and not in any condition to shop for the glucose-laden treats they’ll soon crave. We see our service as a win for the scouts and a win for the stoned.”

The Girl Scout Creed:

    To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times.

And it’s true. Girl Scouts of America help people by serving them (cookies in this case) and becoming positive role models for other girls. They also develop leadership skills so they may become exemplary citizens and contributing members of society.

What a small price to pay for a world of good. So would it kill ya to buy a few boxes?  

BONUS SECTION

2018’s New Varieties of Girl Scout Cookies

1. Binge Mints
2. Heimlich Chokies
3. Nutty Doofuses
4. WMDs (Wafers of Mass Delight)
5. Vegan Flytraps
6. Lemon Nothings
7. Extra-Gluten Peanut Clusters w/Benadryl
8. Fracture Snaps
9. Pralines ‘n Lint
10. Snicker Nipples
11. Whoopsie Daisies
12. Toucan Sandies
13. Three Can Ednas
14. Buttered Goobledygooks
15. Sugar-free Why Bothers
16. Upside-Down Right-Side-Ups
17. Powdered Snowglobes
18. Goiter Drops
19. Tagalogs (Available in Philippines only)
20. Forget-me-nuts
21. Esophageal Conundrums
22. Silicon Wafers
23. Isaac Newtons

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