Offered with the Utmost Levity and the Least Most Gravity

Offered with the Utmost Levity and the Least Most Gravity

  1. What is Micronesia? Is that when you forget only a little bit. I can’t remember. It’s not the full-size “nesia”, it’s just a Micro-nesia.
  2. Sequel to The Day the Earth Stood Still. The even more miraculous The Day My 2-year-old Stood Still.
  3. “I like to order my fish with the head on so I know exactly what I’m getting.” “Yeah I do that too, but with veal.”
  4. Male realtors admit; there looking for a turnkey girlfriend who’s move-in ready. A real head turner, and maybe a key turner too.
  5. If a turkey is all ready to eat, does that make it a turnkey turkey?
  6. Aren’t we all just end users?
  7. I’m not growing old, I’m shrinking old
  8. A crime most foul (see how I didn’t say “fowl”). Killing 3 birds with one holiday.

    We love TurDucken (a chicken, stuffed into a duck inside a turkey), but we also want other types of 3-layered stuffed things:

    1. GiCamPo – That’s a polar bear stuffed into a camel inside a giraffe. Especially good for patients, who on the advice of their doctor, are on an all giraffe, camel and polar bear diet.
    2. A Black and White ZePandUnk – That’s a skunk stuffed into a panda inside a zebra. Comes in B&W.
    3. GriffBeaFife – That’s a Barney Fife stuffed into an Aunt Bea inside an Andy Griffith. “Mmmm Good Cracker.”
    4. PumpCoNimitz – That’s an aircraft carrier, stuffed into a coconut inside a pumpkin. They ate these on Gilligan’s Island. I think that’s how they survived in Micronesia, but I can’t quite remember.
  9. If stuffing a turkey with idiots is outlawed, only outlaw idiots will be stuffed into turkeys. Think about that before you gobble.
  10. I know.  I’m a little worried about all the turkey references too. I mean c’mon man, let it go.
  11. I don’t know about the new guy. I’ve had 3 conversations with him and in each one he’s managed to work in the word “colo-rectal” several times.
  12. Snap, Crackle and Pop get in over their heads down at the milk pond. It almost leads to the drowning of a very soggy Crackle.
  13. A coolly disarming thing to say to a room full of high-powered strangers, “I just came in to see how big everybody’s egos were, and to create some standing for myself. Mission accomplished? I thought so.”
  14. Aren’t we all just visitors?
  15. If you want to avoid food poisoning, only eat oysters in months that have x’s in them
  16. Most men are rescue boyfriends in need of a certified service girlfriend (warning: don’t pet them unless you get permission).
  17. In Ireland large Leprechauns are discriminated against. Instead of a pot of gold they get a pot of coal.
  18. He makes me nervous. Whenever we have a conversation he always refers to my “sit bones.”
  19. Metamorphic rock is a metaphor for four formations formerly forgotten. I know, forced it. Forgive me.

 

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