Posts Tagged ‘dead’

Twitter’s Interdimensional Cosmos Division has granted DPIs (Deceased Planetary Influencers) the ability to make one brief public statement of 140 characters or less. In facilitating this “beyond the grave” communication, Twitter hoped to assist these eminent souls in clarifying their legacy while selling a Super Bowls’ worth of advertising alongside their extraordinary pronouncements. Then came the cosmic glitch.

 

Owing to unpredictable sunspot flare-ups and a determined Turkmenistanian hacker, all of these precious communications were blocked except for one tenuously fortuitous conduit located directly beneath my Barcalounger. This once in a 10,000 year alignment of oracular vortices below my recliner made me the only human privy to these momentous proclamations. I have taken great care in cataloguing and interpreting these nutritious communications and present them to a truth-starved public, with limited commercial interruption:

 

Jesus Christ – I was the Son of God. I exemplified sacrifice for others. I don’t need 135 denominations worshipping me. One is all you need. And let’s put it this way, there are plenty of Jesus Jrs walking the earth. I may have been beatific and all, but I’m no fool. My message is more than 140 characters. Consider it another of my miracles. Oh, yeah, and stop choosing sides out of anger. Stop exercising your will. Exercise my Dad’s Will. Get it? And don’t you be fooled by your seeming separateness.

Steven Jobs – We’re all just end users.

King Tut – Nice song Steve. BTW I wanted a simple headstone, but the Mortuary Cult of High Priests and the Pyramid-Industrial Complex wouldn’t let me. So peer amid my pyramid, and know that I think it sphinx.

Hitler –  My bad. Do over? Could you hook me up with Sigmund Freud? I’ve got a few psychological issues I’d like to discuss with this brilliant Jew.

Atilla the Hun – He’s still blocked by Twitter

Atilla the Son – I’d like to apologize for my dad. Y’know once you get to know him he’s really a very caring murderer. He killed more discriminatingly than you’d think.

Atilla the Mom – Well, we knew all along he was a special needs husband. We just didn’t know how needy he was.

Sponsored Ad: Get RING® doorbell cameras. See how many arm tattoos the delivery guy has when he drops off your package. We now rejoin extraordinary pronouncements from beyond the grave already in progress

Nikolai Tesla – Shocking. Just shocking what Elon Musk has accomplished. Oh, and Cold Fusion is possible. Neutron variance is the key. You’re welcome.

William Randolph Hearst – Rosebud

Otto von Bismarck – Oh I love Prussia. Prussia, Prussia, Prussia. And medals. And scary helmets with points on them. Schnitzel, Beer und Deutschland. Achtung baby! Germany is finally unified. What could possibly go…

Mother Theresa – I’m just relieving suffering. That’s the game while you’re here. There is nothing else to do. You do it without expectation. It ain’t saintly.

John Lennon – I know. I was complicated and arbitrary. You try being a Beatle and see how much balance is in your life. Loved Paul, George and Ring. Didn’t mean to work out my personal saga in front of y’all, but being a world famous Beatle I had no fookin’ choice.

Abraham Lincoln – Well that was a struggle. Don’t let me down now. Our federal union – it must be preserved.

Elvis Presley – Wait. Lisa-Marie was married to who?      Serious?

Ram Dass – I’ve left the world of form. Or should I say, it once left me. I now recognize my place alongside the Source. And you will too. PS: They have Twinkies here. I say again…we are not Twinkie-less in this dimension.

Jerry Falwell – I must recant, my earlier rant. You say my son did what with his wife?

Neil Armstrong – You get here by taking one small step, but it feels like a giant leap.

Lassie – I’m telling you there really is trouble down there at the abandoned mine. Jesus, it’s like we’re speaking a different language or something.

Marcel Marceau – ☮ ♥

William Shakespeare – I is one freaky Anglo man. Peeps been readin’ my words since forever. Thou doth adore me. With much ado you really do adore me.  

Carl Sagan – Let me provide some perspective. A million seconds is 11 days. A billion seconds is 31 years. A trillion seconds is how long it would take for North Korea to develop some common sense.

Secretariat – Being put out to stud was a good gig. But this. This place is better by several horse lengths. You can grow your fur long and you don’t have to keep your fet-locked.

Edgar Allen Poe – Let them eat crow. I mean raven.

Henry VIII – I was a royal dick. I promoted a religious schism and the separation of, not only church and state, but wives from heads. I’m a self-hating monarch. I vow to change my stripes…just as soon as I get out of this jail. On a side note, that Bill Shakespeare thinks he’s all that. He gets to be called a bard while I’m called a tard.

Muhammad Ali – Still pretty and still ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong. Keep it ‘bout love when ya can. Don’t keep it ‘bout bouts.

Albert Einstein – You can’t quote me. There’s nothing left to quote. I’m travelling so fast that, as I predicted, my mass has become infinite. I’m everywhere. I’ve been folded into Eternity.

Joan of Arc – Vive la belle France!

Mr. Joan of Arc – What she said.

Not Dead Yet (Predicted Comments)

 

Donald Trump – I’m not going anywhere where I have to be accountable.

Hillary Clinton – It’s OK even though I really, really, really, really, really wanted to be President.

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
2. You should see the other guy
3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”