Posts Tagged ‘World’

Stonehenge, the most overbuilt monument to ancient calendaring ever created, would’ve been one of the Seven Wonders of the World if its boosters had only been a bit more spirited. Instead, their efforts flagged and the richly deserving, colossal chronometer landed at #8. It was squeezed out of the coveted 7 spot by the underwhelming and easily curated Hanging Gardens of Babylon. It hardly seems fair.

 

In 800 BC, Mesopotamia wasn’t so much a nanny state as it was a nursery state. This trifling Wonder of forced landscaping was really nothing more than Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar II ordering his duty-bound subjects to dangle floral greenery from public buildings like so much Banksy graffiti. Then they all genuflected in dutiful awe at the Royal Gardener’s 40,000 drooping spider plants. “Our King has the greenest thumb in all of the Fertile Crescent.” they crowed in mandatory praise. Big Deal I say. Growing thousands of house plants on patios in warm weather is no Wonder.

 

Compare this leisurely horticultural jamboree to the triumphant feat of the underfed and overburdened Druids. They built a massive sun-earth clock by heroically hefting 25-tonne stones in a precise geometric configuration that is still accurate today. Yet as great as Stonehenge’s celestial clock is (and don’t tell the Druids this), I hear it’s about 10 minutes fast. But still, they accomplished this zodiacal timekeeping in 2500 BC, using only rudimentary tools and without any Claritin to be had in all of the shires. They withstood such hardships with stoic grace and drippy noses. And in the end, nobody wanted to vote for the achievement of a bunch of snot-nosed hooded pagans. Instead, the 1878 Seven Wonders Committee chose Middle Eastern couscous over Middle England’s mucous.

 

Stonehenge’s exclusion seemed preordained owing to the clout of the 19^th century Nursery Lobby (you can’t make this stuff up – although I am). Stonehenge’s supporters were few and feeble – just some Quarrymen from Liverpool who threw their inconsiderable weight behind Stonehenge. Plus, their marketing pitch was less than stellar: Visit Stonehenge: The Gloomiest Place on Earth.  Because of marketing blunders like these on the part of Stonehenge’s boosters, it’s no wonder it’s no Wonder. Read the rest of this entry »

1. Walla Walla, Washington now Stuttgart Stuttgart, Washington
2. Shakespeare’s birthplace now Stuttgart-upon-Avon
3. Muslims would now make their annual pilgrimage to Stuttgart.
4. Plane ticketing would be very tricky, but at least you’d never land in the wrong city
5. More conversations would sound like this:

Where you from?

Stuttgart.

Really! Me too.

5. Truth or Consequences, NM now Stuttgart or Stuttgarts, NM
6. Bombay, India now Mumstuttgart, India
7. The Sinatra hit New York, New York now New Stuttgart, New Stuttgart
8. Conversation:

So where have you lived?

Well I was born in Stuttgart, but I was an Army brat so we pretty much moved from Stuttgart to Stuttgart

9. Conversation:

We honeymooned in Stuttgart Falls.

Oh, it’s beautiful there. That’s near Stuttgart isn’t it?

No, you’re thinking of the one on the Canadian side.

     10. A Gambler’s Complaint:

I’m so pissed off about the World Series. I can’t believe Stuttgart beat Stuttgart. I mean Stuttgart had all the players and yet Stuttgart still won. I hate Stuttgart.

      11. Reworked city of Rome phrases:

Well, Stuttgart wasn’t built in a day

When in Stuttgart do as the Stuttgartans do

All roads lead to Stuttgart

       12. And finally, Fairbanks, Alaska would still be a miserably cold place to live in

 It is with the lightest of hearts and sunniest of dispositions I must inform you of the drastic decision I’ve reached – I’m going to take my life. I’ve made my decision and no one can stop me. I’m going to take my life…..To a new level! Yes dear, I’ll stop at nothing to burst the chains of ego and dissolve back into my source code. I don’t need me anymore. No one needs such extravagant manifestation, so I’m going back to where it all began. By the time you read this letter I’ll already be cosmically conscious and will only answer to the name Yaweh. Please recognize that in my zeal for personal extinguishment and collective enlightenment I’ll stop at nothing to render myself indistinguishable from God. Although I may have nothing to lose but my chains, I’m no cosmic commie. Rather, I commit myself to subordination in order to transcend the supposed station I’ve arrived at and to zero myself out as a karma producing entity.

Right now I’m a stinking little karma factory – and this olfactory reeks to high heaven. I’m done with it. So I’m temporarily leaving this world to merge with the indescribable stratocumulus standing lenticular forms that birthed me. Incidentally dear, on a less grandiose note, you may now rearrange our NetFlix cue, though for the life of me I don’t know why you’d want to watch ‘Finnegan, Begin Again.’ See you on the other side sweetie. Wear a tie so I‘ll know you.”

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