Archive for September, 2018

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

1. Frank Briscoe
2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

1. #MeToo
2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
3. Early Onset Cellulose
4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

1. Kelly Williams
2. Caitlyn Wilmore
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

1. No one wants to see that.
2. Carpet Layers
3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

1. Really?
2. No c’mon man, really?
3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
2. Good Year blimp
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

1. Something
2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.

Bothersome and Encumbered Verbiage for a Saturday Morning