Archive for February, 2020
Google Proposes to Buy Catholic Church
February 14th, 2020 | 
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Financial and moral bankruptcy makes Catholic Church ripe for the plucking.
In an unlikely marriage of high tech and high mass, Google Inc. has vowed to purchase the 2000 year old Christian start-up and convert it from a parochial relic of medieval luminosity, to a go-to search engine of latter day enlightenment. In other words to reimagine the Church, not as some vestigial sanctuary of last resort, but as a relevant refuge of first resort – and without all the resort fees.
Google promises to create an online spiritual haven far beyond the binary limitations of earthly design – a transformative resort where true seekers can purge themselves of barnacled beliefs and pardonable, but entrenched assumptions in preparation for boundary-dissolving experiences. These experiences, they say, will illuminate both the poignancy and absurdity of life’s predicament. And Google hopes to accomplish all this, not with a prophet, but at a profit.
Some say we should genuflect to our digitally savvy superiors and welcome them with a hearty “All hail the coming of our spiritual overlord – Wi-Fi? Why not?” More cautionary voices insist we, “Slow down there Mr. Univac. Your glorified abacus is just an electronic toy here to serve us. Remember, you’re made in God’s image and not vice-versa.” These are the typical binary talking points you get on earth whenever transformative change is in the air.
Reflecting the volatility of their proposed purchase, Google’s bid was not filed with the SEC, but rather with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Crosses – or as it more commonly appears in writing: The Bureau of AT&✝. In their bid, Google pledges to create a welcoming, spiritual resort that honors all paths and not just the ones that hold rummage sales in church basements. A place where worshipers feel they’re on vacation instead of on trial. No longer will adherents have to nourish their souls on the stale, old piety of centuries old dogma. The Church, reborn under a new rubric, will become a divine haven where spiritual gamers (Google’s nomenclature for parishioners) can now operate in a cosmic resort of first resort. Read the rest of this entry »
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Rare Diseases: When You’re Sick of Laughing
Presented by the CDC (Center for Diseased Comedy):
I am not eased by this. In fact, I’m dis-eased.
1. SharonaVirus – A highly specific affliction whereby one only listens to music by The Knack
2. CoronaVirus – Feeling ill from: 1. Looking at the sun’s rays during a solar eclipse 2. Driving an old Toyota 3. Drinking a certain Mexican beer 4. Soul-kissing a Chinese bat
3. Influenca – Where a Social Media Influencer infects you with their lifestyle choices
4. Visitation Aversion Disorder – Overcoming, coming over
5. Anti-paranoid – The psychotic belief that everyone is trying to ignore you
6. Picnic Attack – Paralytic affliction where one freaks out at eating a basket lunch out in nature
7. Tourette’s Gestures – Spontaneously filthy and uncontrollable hand gestures
8. Wasnesia – Past tense of Amnesia. Sufferers pin a Forget-me-not on their shirt – if they can remember.
9. Overwhelmingly Underwhelmed – A serenely goofy feeling of whelm-being
10. Lymon Disease – A more citrus-y take on Lyme Disease. It still ticks off a lot of people.
11. Caitlyn Gender Dysphoria – When winning an Olympic Gold medal in the Decathlon is not enough to reinforce your sexual identity
12. PSC-PTSD (Pre-Stressed Concrete Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) – When Bridges crack and fail due to recovered memories of all those noxious cars weighing them down
13. Royal Pains in the Arse – Surmounting Sir Mounting’s Hemorrhoids
14. Late Onset Early Bird Special Dining – When the elderly are serially late for early bird dinners, so that they now have to pay full price
15. Miffed Cow Disease – Not as bad as Mad Cow Disease, but it still leaves you feeling kind of surly
16. Penile Snoring – aka: Restless Shaft Syndrome. Bed sharers complaint: “Would you please shut your urethra so I can get some sleep?” In women this syndrome is called ___________ (because I still have a shot at going to heaven, I had to delete what it’s called).
17. Accidentally Checking the Wrong Box-itis – Damn it! I guess I actually did sign up for this.
18. Chronic Jew Syndrome – Not a disease. It’s just being Jewish. There are no symptoms except you tend to be successful and pro-Semitic.
19. Grammarians Conjunctivitis – A syntactical syndrome where you don’t know where to place your ifs, ands or buts
19.5 Toilet Seat Conjunctivitus – An assinine syndrome where you don’t know where to place your butt
20. Gingervitis – An allergic reaction to seeing Ginger on Gilligan’s Island
21. Toe-shaped Teeth – Foot in Mouth Disease
22. Margaret’s Shaking Limbs – Restless Peg Syndrome
23. Nephritic Bonging – Kidneys Stoned
24. Adhesive Tapeworm – Really sticks to your ribs. People in Glasgow contract a different version called Scotch Tapeworm.
25. YouTuberculosis – When you can’t stop watching videos till they consume you. Consumption be done about it?
26. Ball Peen Hammertoe – When your ♫Boots are made for tapping ♫
27. Chlamydia – An irritating flower that blooms where you’d prefer it wouldn’t. Also a character in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Hook Up.”
28. Lobster Thrombosis – Often mistaken for an illness, this delicious dish is prepared with egg yolks and brandy. No wait that’s Lobster Thermidor. I remember now. Lobster Thermidor leads to Lobster Thrombosis.
29. Eco-car Dementia – Oh, Prius, don’t mentia it
30. Congealed Esophageal Seals – A hardening of the phlegm near the epiglottis. Only dangerous if you like to breathe air.
31. Drug-resistant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos – A serious addiction that makes the opioid crisis look like just a bad habit. Frito-Lay has found a way to narcotize the Cheeto in irresistible ways, and this legal crunchy meth has metastasized to the entire country. Forget Red State, Blue State. We’re all Orange States now. Help us. Everything we touch now turns to orange.
32. Epstein-Barr Hyphenation Syndrome – When 2 preening researchers feel they must co-equally share credit for the discovery of some disease.
33. Up Syndrome – What people with Down Syndrome suffer from in Australia.
34. Diphtheria – An old timey disease noted mostly for being the only word to have the letters “p-h-t-h” appear consecutively
35. Molly Ringworm – aka: Brat Pack Fever. Remedy is to burn it away with St. Elmo’s Fire.
36. Aunt Candy’s Type 32 Diabetes – Just when you thought there were enough flavors of insulin deficiency, good ole Aunt Candy (aka Doctor Candy Winsome, Chief of Serum Illnesses at Johns Hopkins) discovers another.
37. Johns Hopkins Excessive Pluralization Syndrome – A strange disease where ones can’t stops pluralizings
38. Erotic Aneurysm – Like an aortic aneurysm except it makes you horny. In men it hardens arteries. In women, let’s just say things get real slippery, real fast.
39. Liquid Patty Melt – When Patricia Arquette’s ice sculpture is reduced to a puddle
40. Raining Cats and Dogs – You know it’s happening when you step in a poodle and say “Me, oww!”
41. Kinda Off the Rails Here – What’s it like being you, reading me?
42. Narcissistic Indulgences – Are there any other kind? When you believe all memes are really about MeMe MeMe MeMe memes.
43. ♫He Was Strumming My Pain with Atari♫ – Killing Me Softly With His Pong
44. Make up your own illness and post it here! I’m sick of this.
Things that Have a 0% Probability of Happening
1. Attending a Patti LaBelle concert and she does NOT perform “Lady Marmalade.”
2. Attending a Pointer Sisters concert and they do not perform “Jump.”
3. Attending a Van Halen concert and they do not perform “Jump.”
4. Attending a Cardi B concert.
5. Attending a Tom Petty concert (l know, too soon).
6. Cultivating and sustaining God consciousness while still in the human form. And yet Aunt Becky supposebly does, why I can’t? And I know, I said supposebly and “why I can’t.” It just proves my point.
7. Patti LaBelle’s dressing room having bowls of Funyuns.
8. Arriving at places early (I know, too soon).
Hollywood Exposed
Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio with their make up off.
Hardiman Reinvents the Wheel
Wrong Wheel.
When Popular Mechanics magazine said, “You don’t need to reinvent the wheel,” he did it anyway. Mr. Hardiman ignored their calls for circular restraint and thought “outside the circumference” in reimagining the millennial old rolling disk. Drawing from the highest spiritual concepts available, Mr. Hardiman revolutionized the wheel by imbuing it with “the path of least resistance.” A creed perfectly suited to tire design. His new wheel rolls like it’s in a completely frictionless environment – like the atmosphere in a Stepford household. This wheel is so advanced, it’s always rolling downhill – both ways.
Right wheel.
In perfecting the Holy Grail of geometric shapes he made it so round, so firm and so fully packed he didn’t know whether to roll it or to smoke it, so he did both and achieved a naturally perfect roundness last seen in the butt cheeks of Kim Kardashian (from what I’m told). Hardiman’s reinvented wheel is rounder, rollier and immaculately circular. How did he achieve the new wheel’s dynamic rollability?
Hardiman Explains
Similarly to decisions in the field of case law which contradict precedent cases of settled law, I just intuitively believed felt that the wheel was not a “settled invention.” It could be improved upon, if not reinvented altogether. I further postulated that since the root of all suffering is desire, I would remove that bugaboo from the equation for the circumference (C) of a circle by rewriting it from: C = 2 π r. To: C = (2 π r – desire). Right there with a few nimble hieroglyphs, I excised the suffering, smoothed things out and imbued the wheel with the path of least resistance. Simple really.
What’s Next?
After reinventing the wheel Mr. Hardiman takes on the napkin, sliced bread and those little desiccant packets you find in clothing. Then again, tinkering with these cultural mainstays would probably mean taking the path of most resistance.