Archive for April, 2023

1. I’m organizing a 2-Mile Run to promote Metric System Awareness
2. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no safe word
3. They asked the Marquis De Sade’s wife why she stays with him.

What did she say?

Beats me.

4. They asked the married cannibals why they stayed together.

What did they say?

Eats me!  

5. Remember what Narcissus said to himself before bed: “You had me at me.”
6. What are you reading?

Oh, it’s the poorly selling sequel to The Little Engine That Could

Really? What’s it called?

The Little Engine That Threw a Rod

7. Do you know he was never sick a day in his life. Nope, he did all his puking at night.
8. That little girl scout out front selling her cookies– she sure knows her market
9. I’m jittery, like a squirrel, about ready to cross a busy highway. If only I remembered where I buried my nuts.
10. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no bucket list items
11. I never feel quite right watching a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football. Those are weak days.
12. I have it on good authority that when you die, they ask you to take a brief “How did we do?” survey. And I didn’t think they cared.

1. I don’t know how it happens, but nowadays, no matter where I am, whenever I get naked, light bulbs automatically dim
2. To hell with aiming. When I get up to pee during the night, I sit on the pot.
3. My dermatologist says I have old-growth skin tags that are so ancient, they’ve become UNESCO World Preservation sites and, by law, cannot be removed
4. I must be slipping. Whenever I play catch, and my partner fakes the throw I wonder…where did the ball go? It takes me about 10 seconds to figure out they still have the ball.
5. I try to maintain a positive body image, but when I look in a mirror these days, I’m mostly pixilated.
6. You know those stupid 2 ½ minute pharmaceutical commercials? I record them.
7. I guess I’m non-binary now. Instead of seeing the world as a series of 1’s and 0’s, now I see it as a series of business and non-business days
8. I’m very proud of my well-formed nostrils. I’m just a Nostril-positive person. Although most people just think I’m nosey.
9. I’m already so “out there,” that if I take a Gummy, I actually get more sober
10. Even though I’m mostly bald now, I have the same amount of total hair I had when I was 20. It’s just redistributed amongst my ears, nostrils, eyebrows and back.
11. Nowadays when people point at something, I just look at the end of their finger
12. And finally, I realize I’m getting older because I don’t know any of the hosts on Saturday Night Live

1. The Cat in the Scat
2. Poop on Pop
3. Horton Hears a Fart
4. The Lorax Makes a Gift for Daddy
5. Oh, the Places You’ll Poop
6. A Pinch for the Grinch

And there’s the latest potty-friendly book:

Rumpty Dumpty.

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The chief characters in Rumpty Dumpty are Cheek 1 and Cheek 2. It’s a sequel to Green Eggs and Ham where “Sam I am” has eaten his strange breakfast and now it’s time for his morning Rumpty Dumpty

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Bonus Book: Dr. Seuss’s young adult pregnancy prevention book: Beware! That Yertle is Fertile

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crow’s Feet                                 Crow’s Feet                                  Crow’s Feet  

 Popular New Food Network Shows Part I

1. The Butcherlor: Young female carnivores vie for the affections of a hunky single butcher. Most get chopped. The winner is neatly tied-up in wax paper and then slid across a stainless-steel counter into the waiting arms of the Butchelor. Anyway you cut it, this show is a real meat market.
2. Queer Food for the Straight Guy: This show introduces breeders to LGBTQ cuisine. Watch as a straight guy is served a BLT where the B, L and T do not stand for bacon, lettuce or tomato. This is a sandwich you need to chew very, very carefully.
3. Baking Bad: A high school chemistry teacher turns to a life of baking bad, meth-based brownies in order to ensure his family’s financial security. He responds to others ridiculing his baking by saying, “I am the one who mocks.”
4. Mallard in the Middle: A Mallard Duck is stuffed between a turkey and a chicken creating the very first turducken. This turducken is then woefully undercooked. In fact, the whole show is kinda half-baked.
5. Alimentary My Dear Watson: Chef Sherlock Holmes takes his loyal assistant Dr. Watson on a gastronomic tour of London in hopes of detecting any trace of edible British cuisine. When Holmes asks his associate, “Do you also find the blood pudding dreadful?” Watson responds, “No sh*t Sherlock.”
6. Hogan’s Gyros: At the height of WWII a group of daring Greek commandos infiltrate Nazi Germany and open a sandwich shop in the Little Athens section of Berlin. The restaurant however, is really a front for sabotaging the Third Reich.
7. Naked and Sautéed: Two unclothed chefs are dropped in the middle of a Panda Express where they must whip-up a chicken stir-fry without singeing their dangling bits. Show is guaranteed to knock your woks off.
8. Parm to Table: An array of exotic parmesans is served-up including Koala Parm and Marm Parm (made with real marmoset).
9. The Webbed-foot Contessa: She walks like a duck and cooks like a duck, but she’s not a duck. Watch, as any criticism of her cooking runs right off her back. BTW, the Web-footed Contessa’s father, who is a disreputable doctor, has a sister show called “Quack.”
10. Trans to Table: This show spotlights nonbinary farmers who will only grow plants that have had their angiosperm reassigned
11. Foodies with Benefits: This tender Tinder show follows foodies who make a mess in the kitchen – and not from cooking food either.
12. Slaughterhouse to Nugent: The Food Network celebrates the diet of extreme carnivore Ted Nugent

 

***Palette Cleanser***

 

Popular New Food Network Shows Part II

1. Jellowstone: Stalwart Montana rancher John Dutton must decide between his love of family or his love of gelatin. And although at times Dutton can be sweet, he’s no Jolly Rancher.
2. Better Phone Joan: In this prequel to Better Call Saul, we see savvy culinary lawyer Joan Child (Julia’s granddaughter) lawfully protecting the copyrights of chefs’ recipes. When someone is stealing a proprietary recipe, chefs everywhere agree: Better Phone Joan.
3. Is it a Refreshing Lemon Ice or Icky Yellow Snow? : Taste means everything in this show where one wrong lick and urine trouble. Show is a real pisser.
4. Orange Chicken is the New Blackened Redfish: This New Orleans based show explains how orange chicken overtook blackened redfish in popularity. This NOLA show’s theme song is a modified version of the Kinks’ “Lola” – ♫NOLA, N-O-L-A, NOLA just like cherry cola ♫
5. The CIA’s Stolen Secrets: Top Secret recipes are stolen from the other CIA (Culinary Institute of America). If they fall into the wrong hands, it could ruin Beef Wellington for generations. You know what to do: Better Phone Joan.
6. The Brady Lunch: A widow and widower decide to pool their resources in opening a restaurant called Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Parents Carol and Mike work the front of the house while chef Alice does all the scut work in the back with the “help” of their bunch of 6 unorganized children. Alpha-kid Greg succeeds in unionizing the Bunch and they all get a 10 This is where the expression, “It’s like herding Brady’s” came from.
7. Bunsmoke: When the town’s only bakery keeps burning all the pastries, Sheriff Matt Dillon must figure out who’s the pyro-pastry perp. He remarks to Miss Kitty, “I’ve heard of Hot Cross Buns, but this is ridiculous.”
8. Weiner 8000: The Food Network’s Investigative Unit blows the lid off dangerously high mileage hot dogs spinning at 7-11’s across the country. Most have been rotating for over 8000 miles and are completely bald. Other hot dogs are so old they have meat in them from animals that are now extinct.
9. Taco Bell’s Really, Really Fast Run for the Border: Show features their new stomach-bloating “Farm to Toilet” menu
10. It’s Always Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia: In this delightful re-boot of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a maniacal Danny DeVito takes control of the restaurant association and forces cheesesteaks onto the menu of every single restaurant.
11. Mickey D’s: Show fantasizes what a restaurant would be like if McDonald’s and Disney combined forces. Menu items include Pitas of the Caribbean, Filet-o-Nemo, Egg McMouses, Frickin’ McNuggets and Cryogenically Frozen Walt Swirls. For those counting calories a Tinkerbell menu is available.
12. Whiners, Sit-ins and Hives: Guy Fieri dines with complainers, college protesters and beekeepers. Eventually they all end up eating crow.
13. Soup to Nuts: In this psychologically revealing show, unsuspecting diners begin their meals with some relatively tame chicken soup. Unbeknownst to them, they are progressively served foods that induce insanity. At the end of the meal, diners are absolutely nuts. “Soup to Nuts” is a favorite of lunatics everywhere.
14. Fingerling Earthling: Dr. Moreau meets Mr. Potato Head. A crazed plant geneticist creates a potato with human aspirations. The resultant spud seems more interested in collecting social security than in putting in a good day’s work. So what else is new?

 

1. Antwerp…. Twerps

2. Jacksonville…. The Village People

3. Amsterdam…. Amsterdamnits

4. Botswana…. BotsWannabees

5. Livermore…. Livermorons

6. Dubai…. Doobies

7. Auckland…. Awkwards

8. Gaza Strip…. Gaza Strippers

9. Bangkok…. People from “Bangkok” are simply embarrassed

10. Walla Walla…. Walla Walla Bing Bangs

11. Nantucket…. Side Note: I once knew a man from Nantucket

12. Las Vegas…. Vegans

13. Buffalo…. Carnivores

14. Transylvania…. Trans (But they identify as non-vampire)

15. Budapest…. Budapestilents

16. Paris…. Snooty

16. Reno…. Renoites

17. Denver…. Denverites

18. Overb…. Overbites

19. Beverly Hills…. Wealthy

20. Brussels…. Sprouts

21. Moscow…. Drunks

22. St. Petersburg…. The citizens formerly known as Leningraders

23. Duluth…. The Dulleth People on Earth

24. England…. Limeys

25. Lima…. Limays

26. Greece…. Slimeys

27. Pirate Cove…. Blimeys

28. Madrid…. Madreadfuls

29. Liverpool…. Beatles

30. Helsinki…. Helfloati

31. Kuala Lumpur…. Kuala Lumpers

32. Hanoi…. Hannoying

33. Juneau…. Juneau what? People from Juneau are very cold.

34. Eugene…. Eugenies

35. Delhi…. Delhicatessens

36. Seattle…. Satellites

37. Howe Cavern…. Stalactites

38. Detroit…. Detroiters

39. Mega-thyroid…. Biggoiters

40. Fargo…. Fargoners

41. Catville…. Pussies

42. Hamburg…. Hamburgers

43. Frankfurt…. They are the Wurst

44. Nome…. Young Ladies are called Misnomers. Natives are Eskinomes

45. Leipzig…. Nazis (yes, still Nazis)

46. The Hague…. The The’s

47. Rome…. Roamers

48. Xanadu…. Xanadogooders

49. Islamabad…. Islamabadasses

50. Memphis…. Memphistophelians

51. Miami…. Mimis or Mariah Careys

52. Richardville…. People from Richardville are a Bunch of Dicks

53. Tel Aviv…. Tell a Vivians

54. Baghdad…. Baghdaddies

55. Kazakhstan…. Kazakstanleys

56. Lisbon…. Lisbians

57. Dike, Ohio…. Dykes

58. Winnipeg…. Winni-margarets

59. Bonn…. Bonn Bonns

60. Narnia…. Narnians

61. Kalamazoo…. Kalamazoologists

62. Sweden…. Sweetish

63. Liverpool…. Hepatitispudlians

64. London…. Good-ole-blokes-fine-chaps-and-all-that

65. Yemen…. Yemeni (If you’re at war with them, they’re Enemy Yemeni)

66. Bethlehem…. Jesuits

And finally, if you’re from Earth, you have a limited time here so try to avoid grievances, judgments and people from Kalamazoo.