Author Archive

For those unfamiliar with the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, I’ve provided some FAQs to help people reacquaint themself with the great Savior:

1. Did Jesus ever get stoned? No, but many times he came close to getting stoned when he ran afoul of the Romans.
2. Did Jesus write anything? Nope. All his gospels are “as told by.” Think of them as being ghost written – by the Holy Ghost.
3. Did Jesus have dates? Yes. Hundreds of them. He loved dates and they were a very abundant and cheap food source in the greater Judea area.
4. Did Jesus’s brother James, suffer from an inferiority complex? Yup. How could he not? His older brother was a light unto the world, whereas James once lit a manger on fire. Surprisingly though, James could change water into ice, but only if the temperature dropped below 32°.
5. Does Jesus have the ability to integrate the content of all your applications into one seamless platform? Child please!
6. Why doesn’t Jesus just return and shower the world in beatific love? He has. Several times, but most people are antagonistic toward this itinerant, long-haired hippie spouting off about doing unto others and loving thy neighbor. He’s had poor management of late – like Elvis did in the 1970s. Where’s an apostle when you need one.
7. How dark was Jesus’ skin? Let’s put it this way – he wouldn’t exactly be welcomed in some of his churches today.
8. If Jesus had a residency in Las Vegas, what would he perform? Well, he’d probably kickoff the show with Sermon on the Mount and maybe follow that up with a version of “Crocodile Rock.” He’d blow away illusionist David Copperfield’s disappearing spectacles. Instead of making an elephant vanish, Jesus would do the same with hate and anger. Great stuff. At the end of the show I’d envision a mic drop and then an ascension up through the proscenium arch.
9. Did Jesus have any tattoos? Yes. One. It read: WWMD – What Would Moses Do.
10. Did he throw a ball like a girl? No way. Not JC. In fact he could slingshot a rock better than David (not me, but the Biblical David,).
11. Was Jesus musical? Kinda. He could play air versions of all the popular instruments back in the day: air drums, air flute and a mean air harp. And yet he was scrupulous about never putting on any airs.
12. Who cut Jesus’s hair? A very young Barbara Walters.
13. Was Jesus at Woodstock? Inconclusive. He would’ve blended in so well with the rest of the hippies, nobody would’ve noticed except maybe Crosby, Stills and Nash who referred to him in their song Woodstock, “Well I came upon the child of God, he was walking along the road…”
14. Was Jesus aware of the dangers of asbestos? No…asbestos we can tell anyway.
15. Did Jesus get along with his father? Yes, although he thought his dad was kind of an absentee father, who was there in spirit only.
16. Do people still love Jesus today? Well yes, but people seem to love the “idea” of Jesus more than actually practicing his message of non-judgment, self-reflection, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. Many use his good name to fleece their flock of donations to buy mansions on the ground, instead of mansions in the sky.

 

“Holy holiday on ice, Batman,” exclaimed 9-year old David Hardiman, upon hearing the jolliest words of the holiday season. It was 6:30 in the morning and I’d waited breathlessly in paralytic anticipation next to the radio for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably about the time it takes for a snowflake to fall lazily to earth. This unexpected Snow Day electrified my body with ripples of sheer joy, causing me to shimmy down the hallway in a funky celebratory gyration – like the way Steph Curry does after swishing a spectacular trey.

 

Ode to Joy for this Snow Day – Well at Least Owed to Somebody I Suppose

For my snow day good fortune I felt a great debt of gratitude to somebody or something. This bonus day, this meteorological windfall, this unexpected gift of the Magi was way better than frankincense, myrrh or gold. It was the pinnacle of pre-pubescent happiness. And when I think of the small world I inhabited in the early 1970’s, I’m surprised I even fit into it. But fit I did, and some experiences were tailor made for me. Case in point: a sweet and dearly unearned school “snow day” – or as we called them back in the days of the Ice Capades, a “Holiday on Ice.”

 

When those cheery words “All Syracuse public schools are closed” were broadcast over the airwaves from on high, all public school pupils were elated, and all the pupils’ pupils were dilated. This eye-opening experience allowed us to see our way clear to a sensuous morning of deep, cozy hibernation nestled in our beds, followed by a strenuous afternoon of deep, snowy celebration sledding with our friends.

y

As it was, we were already knee-deep in juvenile joy because the brawny forces of nature had defeated the bureaucratic powers of mandatory school attendance. Truant officers would have to find someone else to hassle today, because when afternoon came we’d be chest deep in snow drifts – and that’s no drift. I mean, and that snow drift was huge.

 

In my little 9-year-old way I realized that when mounds of the white stuff triggered a school closing, it was a kind of “white privilege” that everyone could share in equally. Snow: the equal opportunity precipitate.

 

My early Christmas present was given me by WNDR’s “Dandy” Dan Leonard – 1260 AM on your radio dial. His unctuous radio inflections are imprinted on me like a tattoo I can’t remove. The larger point however, was that there’d be no school on this fiercely-snowing, traffic-snarling Tuesday in the arctic tundra masquerading as the city of Syracuse, NY, and I couldn’t have been any happier if Marcia Brady had asked me to a sleepover. Read the rest of this entry »

Those are the words of Dr. Gershwin Fassbender, Director of the SIA (Slumber Institute of America). Like most of the employees at the Slumber Institute, Dr. Fassbender is woke. In fact maybe a little too woke and that’s what accounts for the insomnia.

 

The Problem: Nocturnal Adrenalizing

We will survey the career of Dr. Fassbender in due course, but first let us examine the disorder of insomnia. Insomnia is a pervasive national calamity responsible for grievous errors in judgment including leaving a tip at McDonald’s, watching Hee Haw or sending money to a Nigerian prince. Chronic insomnia dumbs us down, jitters us up and can leave us in a state of trivial speculation whereby one wonders if the employees at Yahoo! drink Yoo-hoo. I do. Do you?

 

The vicious circle of sleeplessness presents its ironic geometry when you lie awake all night worried that you won’t fall asleep. This self-fulfilling prophecy of not getting to sleep keeps you up at night, so during the day you shuffle about somnambulistically. And if we’ve learned anything from somnambulism (sleep-walking) is that it’s very hard to pronounce and even harder to spell.

 

The need for regular, replenishing sleep is a metabolic requirement providing normative homeostasis to an otherwise unregulated body. Despite what Big Pharma might have you think, there is no substitute for restorative, deep REM sleep. Big Pharma offers nothing but Ambien. Little Pharma has come up short on the matter and Medium Pharma has just stayed home on the Pharm. Let me illustrate this disconnect in another way; Ambien is to sleep as drinking ocean water is to thirst – it may solve your problem in the short run, but there’s hell to pay in the long run. And hell, I’m told, extends credit to no one.   Read the rest of this entry »

If you have a burning desire to relieve the anguish of bereaved families, consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. If you value hefty profits, nifty puns and lethal clichés explore a career where your goal is to fire people every day.

Crematorium Franchise Bullet Points

• Experience the job satisfaction of watching your best work go up in smoke
• Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
• Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people regularly.
• Urn while you Burn
• Enjoy killer benefits and clients with smokin’ hot bodies 
• Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
• Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled

Crematoriums – They’re the toast of the town.

 

Consider the Crematorium Franchise that’s Your Best Match

 

1. Return to Cinder – Is there a better way to say, “Elvis has left the building?” Than to say ♫Return to Cinder♫
2. Bereaved, Bothered and Bewildered – Helps families to grieve against a backdrop of Cole Porter music. Reviewers say ♫It’s De-Lovely, It’s De-lightful♫
3. Dust in the Wind Crematorium – Very popular in Kansas
4. Good Humor Ice Crematorium – Maybe it’s in bad humor, but the cone-shaped urns are available in waffle or wafer
5. Burning Man – Go out in a blaze of artistic self-expression in this final bonfire of the vanities. Ensure your funeral rite doesn’t go wrong by designing your own signifying pyre.
6. Next of Kin-dling – Popular with kinfolk in Appalachia
7. Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell – Have yourself anonymously cremated. What happens at Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell, stays at Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell.
8. Char Ming – Dynastic Chinese families crematorium of choice. Cremains returned in a little to-go urn.
9. Cremains of the Day – Designed to meet the funerary needs of literary aficionados
10. Blackened Blue Fish – Designed to meet the funerary needs of fish afishionados who’ve lost a tropical pet fish
11. The Uranus Society – Competes with the more established Neptune Society. As one might expect, the Uranus Society is a pain in the ash.

 

Don’t delay. Your future cremains to be seen.

If you’ve been carrying a torch for crematoriums, rekindle that old flame with a hot, new franchise. Again, in the words of Elvis: Crematoriums are ^♫Just a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love^♫

Cremation: Think of it as a different kind of Tinder

We look forward to hearing from you (even though we haven’t mentioned how to get in touch with us).

We’ll keep a candle burning for you in the window.

1. Through cell regeneration, 99% of my body’s cells are 10 years old or less. But somehow I’m 60. Not happy.

2. Real Vegans don’t vacuum Dust Bunnies

3. If Love is Love, then Gees is Christ

4. Yo-Yo Ma’s Mother’s day Message: Yo Mama, Love, Yo-Yo Ma

5. Feeling sic (sic).

6. Conversation held in total darkness: “We’re gonna be OK. I’ve got a handle on it now.” “No you don’t. And that’s not a handle.”

7. Years after her death a son sent his mother’s ashes back to the crematorium with a cryptic note reading “Return to Cinder.”

8. Montessori Schools have apologized for marketing a discount school called Montesorry

9. Somehow I confused Easter with Passover and celebrated the season by buying little chocolate rabbis. Oy vey.

Most of us are familiar with actor Peter Boyle, either as grandfatherly Frank Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond or as Gene Wilder’s clunkily dancing monster in Young Frankenstein. Prior to his death in 2006, Peter Boyle was always a welcomed presence in films and TV. He was a valued and respected B-list background guy. He was the kind of guy about whom a Hollywood agent might knowingly remark, “Peter Boyle will always make a beautiful dollar in this business.”

 

There are however 2 highly dispensable facts to know about him. And I present these superfluous oddities so I may keep my little corner of the world tidy and in doing so relieve my OCD. One bit of choice minutia deals with John Lennon and the other petty detail is a connect-the-dots cerebral feat of utterly inconsequential coincidences. So fasten your seatbelt everybody. Not for this tame piece, but just in general. I mean it’s a good idea to fasten your seat belt and that’s why I like to place a little Public Service Announcement in all my stories.  

 

John Lennon was the Best Man at Peter Boyle’s wedding. Imagine, John Lennon. Could Peter Boyle somehow be the 5^th Beatle? – Hardly. And if you ever heard him sing Puttin’ on the Ritz in Young Frankenstein you understand he couldn’t even be the 5^th Season for Frankie Valli. But as it was Peter Boyle became friends with John Lennon through his fiancé Loraine Alterman who was a writer for the Rolling Stone. She had befriended Yoko Ono. And when Peter Boyle married Ms. Alterman, he asked John Lennon to be his Best Man. Legend has it that Mr. Boyle also considered Leonid Brezhnev as Best Man, but the Soviet leader decided to remain Back in the USSR. As it was Peter Boyle chose well and the former Beatle won out.

 

OK so far? Good. Now savor that celebrity morsel while we move on to the entrée where I present a wholly unneeded examination of a string of insignificant theatrical coincidences in the career of Peter Boyle. The fact that John Lennon was the Best  Man at his wedding is evidence enough that Peter Boyle was not your average Joe – Joe being the operative word here. It is infinitesimally fascinating to note that in no fewer than four movies/TV shows Peter Boyle starred in, the name “Joe” appeared in the title. See below:

Joe – As a world weary misfit 1970

Crazy Joe – As crazy mobster Joey Gallo 1974

Tail Gunner Joe – As overly zealous commie-fighter Senator Joe McCarthy 1977

Joe Bash – As a jaded NYC cop 1986

 

For the love of Pete that’s a lot of Joe’s. Even for the love of Pete Boyle that’s a lot of Joes. There may be more Joe’s in his career that I’m unaware of. For example I don’t know what they called Dr. Frankenstein’s monster in Young Frankenstein – coulda been Joe Monster. I heard Peter Boyle refused the roll of Joe in Joe vs the Volcano for fear of being typecast.

 

In the short-lived (alright, barely-lived) TV series Joe Bash, the promotional tagline was hardly something to rally around or render it as must-see TV. It read: He steals donuts. He dates a hooker. He’s one of New York’s finest. He’s Joe Bash. Really? Yes, really.

 

Epilogue

Well, what have we learned after reading 135 pages on Peter Boyle and the uncanny recurrence of Joe roles in his career? Fortunately for you, I edited-down the original 135 pages to these 2, must-read pages. Think of it as the Cliff Notes to this story: Peter Boyle, John Lennon and Joe? I think condensing those less to-the-point, 133 pages into just 2 pages makes this piece more essence-y.

 

Highlighting the happenstance of the many Peter Boyle “Joe” roles is how I role. It’s my cup of tea. No, that’s not quite right. It’s actually my cup of Joe.