Author Archive
Alimentary My Dear
February 20th, 2012 | 
Author: The Pompous Ass
Executive Chef – Benito Agita ~ MENU ~ Sous Chef – Sue Scheff
12th of Never, 2044
Starters
Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Aborted Turnips
Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs
Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water
Botox Compote: Crow’s Feet, Hopkins’ Farm Goiter, Skywalker Ranch Gooseflesh
Non sequitir Farrago: Bandaged cheddar, Pictures of Jeff Goldblum’s Root Cellar, Extremist Homosexual Pine Nuts, Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt – a tremendous amount of salt all served on an Embarrassment of Doilies
Zuppa del Giorno
What is Zuppa del Giorno? Why it’s the soup of the day.
1. Cornstarch Chowder 2. Cream of Salt 3. Broccoli and Cheddar: Featuring KRAFT Imitation Broccoli Flecks
We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup – what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in flavor
First Plate
Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut
Good ole Paula Dean’s Down Home Southern Coronary with Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators
Gherkins Galore – Jerked Gherkins, Lammykins Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins, Greg Kinnear’s Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins
Secondi
My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey. Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy
“I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks, a server will assist you in getting your rocks off)
Silverfish Risotto: Classic New York Public Library Philosophy Stack Silverfish, India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins
Dessert
Livermore Labs locally enriched, sustainable plutonium, Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. With a leaden codpiece.
Real Expensive Cheese, Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins
Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint
I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes, Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Buckshot
Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno. Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the manufacture of Crystal Meth. Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.
Tonight Featuring the Music of Barbara Mandrell and the Nashville Showstoppers
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Calvin Posterity: A Man of Letters
What Fetlocks! That’s actually the name of the horse. As in, “Gimme $10 on ‘What Fetlocks!’ to win in the 2nd at Acqueduct.”
Calvin Posterity was often jailed for being a habitual public nuisance. Although well into his 30’s, he practiced brilliant adolescent mischief: In the middle of the night he’d park his 1978 Subaru Brat near a remote photo enforced intersection, take out his two-wheeled scooter, put on his helmet, take off his clothes and repeatedly glide through the intersection buck naked against the red light. He sometimes tripped the photo flash upwards of 30 times. Of course in the morning the city’s director of traffic violations would be swamped with naked pictures of a very Caucasian Calvin scooting through the intersection wearing only a dangling participle where usually a hood ornament was located. After being identified in a below the waist line up by his urologist, Calvin admitted to the prank stating, “I only did it for the exposure.” A mind capable of such life affirming disobedience on the asphalt was also unmatched in generating joyous chaos on parchment. In his letters he produced brilliant mischief once again with the aid of the more traditionl dangling participle. As in; After a thorough whipping, the chef folded the eggs into the batter. Calvin’s probation officer supervises his court imposed community service which is to reprint the many zany, kooky and otherwise incoherent letters written for posterity by Posterity.
This Day in Future History
On November 8th, 2032 another bush is elected President. This time it’s Chelsea Clinton.
The 2041 Lincoln Assassinator voted “Car of the Year” by the National Towing Association
Pope’s wife doesn’t have rhythm. Must find new method.
Font problems doom Micronesia
Haiku! Gesundheit.
Writers of Frequently Asked Questions are educated at FAQ U.
Fan catches baseball in stands. Foul play suspected.
Sue Nami catches huge wave with chicken. Fowl play suspected.
Dan Quayle gobbles turkey burger. Fowl play Wottles away.
Queen Elizabeth lands part of mother in “Psycho V.”
Answer: Gesundheit. Question: At what altitude do Gesunds fly at?
Mitt Romney’s corpse exhumed. Coroner says he’s still “handsome as hell.”
Stream of consciousness babbles like a brook and is beginning to creek.
Handyman’s last words: “I told you already. The circuit breaker is turned off.”
We must exercise our Free Will. We have no choice.
Fidel Castro to US: “Guerra! Guerra!! Guerra!!!” US to Castro: “You guys have like no cooking oil.”
God confides to rodents: “Humans seem to be missing the point entirely.” (I got this information from my mole.)
James Brown Say What?
President Nixon and James Brown shake hands resulting in hell freezing over for 2 days. Collateral Damage: Millions lost in bar bets.
You just have to reexamine things every so often. For example, I still find it impossible to believe that in the Presidential election of 1972 between Republican Richard Nixon and Democrat George McGovern; James Brown, The Godfather of Soul, supported Tricky Dick Nixon. WTF (What Terrible Folly)? How did this happen? Supporting Nixon meant that James Brown, The Hardest Working Man in Show Bidniss, must have decided between the relatively hip McGovern and the positively embalmed Nixon and somehow concluded, “Nixon my boy.” We’re talking about Richard Nixon here – a man who was born wearing a blue suit. And despite all this, Soul Brother #1 thought it righteous to endorse him. Nixon – the closest he ever came to dancing was when he swayed imperceptibly to Kate Smith singing “God Bless America.” Nixon – the whitest working man in show business. I don’t get it. It was a shrewd move on Nixon’s part though. In the same way Astaire gave Rogers class and Rogers gave Astaire sex appeal. Brown gave Nixon soul while Nixon gave Brown spastic colon.
When the endorsement was announced, Chief of Staff HR Haldeman hastily arranged a White House photo op (it may have been leisurely arranged, but “hastily arranged” reads so much better). When The Minister of the New New Super Heavy Funk and his posse arrived unannounced 1 hour early, they were immediately surrounded by Secret Service agents and enough water cannon to blast them all back to Funkytown. Once things got sorted out they were escorted into the Oval Office where Mr. Dynamite remarked, “Shee-it Milhous, you got yourself one bad ass crib here.” Haldeman then translated this jive to his boss who responded, “Thank you Mr. James Brown. However Tricia hasn’t used a crib in more than 20 years.”
Whatever his motivation was, Mr. Brown decided to assist the campaign by filming a TV spot encouraging people (one assumes black people) to vote Nixon:
JB: Owww! Jump back kiss myself. Hey y’all, Mr. Please, Please, Please here and I’m telling you something. Nixon the one. Oh yeah! It’s true his hair more kinky than mine and he got no soul like Caspar, but he still my guy. He can “get down” when Kate Smith singing. He can walk into a dark room, take off his shirt and boom, the room lights up. Just like that. Now get up offa that thing, and vote. I’m James Brown Owww! and I approved this message.
Einsteinsteinstein²
The sublimity of Einstein’s work has long since been co-opted by a popular culture more susceptible to brushstrokes than pointillism. Its meaning lost in the celebrity of its rumpled messenger. Some of this is understandable because the mathematics underpinning his theories aren’t exactly self evident[1]. Especially to those who balance a checkbook with the phrase, “That seems about right.” But the beauty of Einstein’s underlying message – that everything is derived from one source – is exemplified in the search for this Holy Grail in his unified field theory. Read the rest of this entry »
“Hello Cruel World”
The eerie glow of this helical fluorescent light bulb has nothing to do with story on left.
It is with the lightest of hearts and sunniest of dispositions I must inform you of the drastic decision I’ve reached – I’m going to take my life. I’ve made my decision and no one can stop me. I’m going to take my life…..To a new level! Yes dear, I’ll stop at nothing to burst the chains of ego and dissolve back into my source code. I don’t need me anymore. No one needs such extravagant manifestation, so I’m going back to where it all began. By the time you read this letter I’ll already be cosmically conscious and will only answer to the name Yaweh. Please recognize that in my zeal for personal extinguishment and collective enlightenment I’ll stop at nothing to render myself indistinguishable from God. Although I may have nothing to lose but my chains, I’m no cosmic commie. Rather, I commit myself to subordination in order to transcend the supposed station I’ve arrived at and to zero myself out as a karma producing entity.
Right now I’m a stinking little karma factory – and this olfactory reeks to high heaven. I’m done with it. So I’m temporarily leaving this world to merge with the indescribable stratocumulus standing lenticular forms that birthed me. Incidentally dear, on a less grandiose note, you may now rearrange our NetFlix cue, though for the life of me I don’t know why you’d want to watch ‘Finnegan, Begin Again.’ See you on the other side sweetie. Wear a tie so I‘ll know you.”
Einsteinsteinstein: Bonus Material, Outtakes, Edits and Alternate Versions
Flatiron Bldg NYC 1903. This photo is provided as a diversion for an audience that can only take so much HTML. In 1916 the Flatiron Building hit puberty and has since been referred to as The Sweater Girl Building. Sadly, despite several recent collagen treatments, cracks are beginning to appear in her facade.
The following are ideas, half-baked notions and alternate takes that didn’t make it into the Einstein Story:
Attends gay rodeo where he has another superlative insight no one else had thought of. Looking beyond the superficial he realizes it’s the animals and not the cowboys who are gay.
For a more complete understanding I suggest hallucinogenics. Kepler observations
coined the term “prosthetic intelligence” when it comes to
Yes. I hope to be reincarnated as a bookstore kitty.
Put me in coach, although I’d prefer 1st class
Her Lesbianic protestations and homosexual perturbations notwithstanding, Lois Catwalk had a kind of apple cheeked, girl next door attitude…if you were living next door to a Lipstick Lesbian Habitat.
The Curved Back in on Itself Ending
So yes he’s a brilliant savant and yes we’re in awe of the éclat with which he conjures and expresses our universal blueprint. He’s fun to praise, but note this quotation he ascribed to his fame vs. accomplishment- “the contrast between the popular estimate of my powers and achievements, and the reality is simply grotesque.” False modesty? Perhaps, but as one examine his actions, he enjoyed his celebrity but took no steps to either stanch it or capitalize on it. He simply let it run its course. , but parallel to all that was a man who had to spen his 76 year human life span on earth’s timeline because not only could he not physically approach the speed of light, he never got much past 4 mph. He did his work and played his role of the absent-minded professor. And after 2 wives and 3 citizenships he still couldn’t remember to wear socks. Simultaneity
AE. Shines flashlight at Jack & Jill. Fetches a pail of water. By the time he gets it home the water is holding the pail.
Some of these professors you point, and they only look at the end of your finger
The most distant object in the universe was his father
Can you imagine the earth getting larger so the equator no longer fits around it.
In antiquity due to the lack of mirrors, people didn’t really know what they looked like.
Boon companion Read the rest of this entry »