Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Our 19th President is said to be related to all the bearded Red Sox except Ortiz. 

“Dad?”

Boston MA – Seven teammates on the World Series champion Boston Red Sox are believed to be descendants of former President Rutherford B Hayes. The connection was discovered quite by accident when a genealogist at Ancestry.com saw an eerie similarity in their facial hair. After doing some research that can best be described as superficial, genealogist Kenneth Conigliaro explained, “At first I thought they’d descended from the Smith Brothers Cough Drops family, but on closer examination I detected a genetic similarity common to the facial hair of all 7 and sure enough all beards pointed to Rutherford B Hayes.”

When asked about slugger David Ortiz, Mr. Conigliaro offered; “Big Papi is from Santo Domingo and is not at all related to President Hayes. Genetic markers indicate he’s related to Nixon who spent time there in the early 60’s when he was having a personality installed as he readied himself for the ’68 campaign.” To buttress his evidence Mr. Conigliaro noted that Mr. Ortiz has a cat named Agnew. In tracing the relatives of President Hayes, Conigliaro believes Rutherford B Hayes is related to both Susan B Anthony and Johnny B Goode – by middle initial. After stating he hopes the Red Sox win the Super Bowl next year too, Mr. Conigliaro was led away by a very nice man holding a butterfly net.

In the thrilling celebratory moments after the last strike, David Ortiz was asked what he was going to do now that he was World Series MVP. He excitedly bellowed, “I’m going to that restaurant in the Bronx where Michael Corleone killed Sollazzo. I hear they’ve got the best veal in the city.”

The Heller’s cats possessed a Shmushability Factor we found irresistible.

My little daughter Lisa and I always enjoyed strolling by the tidy homes and the babbling brook that lazily meandered through our idyllic neighborhood. We especially looked forward to strolling by the Heller residence. Not so much for the Heller’s, but for their 3 kitties who were always out front, lolling in and around the shrubs, suggesting a microcosm of their much bigger feline cousins who patrolled the fearsome African Savannas. Lisa would ask me why the kitties were always sleeping. I told her they needed their sleep. That if they didn’t get in their 22 hours they’d be exhausted the next day. She said she wished she was a kitty so she could sleep and dream all day too.

As we approached the Heller’s house we would coo our unique telltale catcall which caused the kitties to spring to attention and pitter patter down the driveway to greet us with great kitty enthusiasm. Of course being cats, just before they got within petting distance, they’d peel off and act disinterested until the notion of having their ears rubbed became irresistible. Then they’d swarm around us like a colony of bees, because they knew our visit meant one thing – 5 minutes of uninterrupted kitty shmushing. Ears were rubbed, scruffs were tugged and bellies were shamelessly exposed (usually the cats’). It was a beautiful display of human-feline affection. The only downside was that occasionally their fur would stick to our tongues. Read the rest of this entry »

McDonald’s Apple Pie filling circa. 1978.

Remember those insanely hot, deep-fried apple pies McDonald’s used to sell? The ones whose scalding apple lava filling was pumped directly from deep within the Earth’s core into the pie? Well I still have one I bought in 1978. And I plan on eating it just as soon as it cools down.  

McDonald’s claimed these pies were, “Just like momma used to bake.©” And it’s true, if momma had a PhD in Thermodynamics and a nuclear particle accelerator to heat the thing to the plasma state, just below the gaseous state. Let me put it this way: These are the only pies ever made that had a half-life. MacDonald’s offered them in two flame-throwing fillings: Apple McMagma and (during the St. Patrick’s holiday) Shamrock Napalm. As mentioned, I purchased my pie in 1978 for 45 cents and the return on investment has been phenomenal. Just by setting it in my furnace, I’ve managed to heat my entire house with it for over 40 years. The only downside has been the loss of all my hair. Read the rest of this entry »

Zen and the Art of Cramification

I’d purchased a roundtrip ticket from SFO to JFK so I could watch my beloved Syracuse Orangemen (now known simply as the “Orange” owing to years of gender bias) take on the Penn State Nittany Lions at MetLife Stadium (known simply as “MetLife Stadium” owing to the millions they paid to name it). It was the opening game of the college football season and I was very excited to fire those neurons in the same area of the brain affected by cocaine. This is why football is so popular. It is a safe and legal drug – at least to watch anyway. Now, being 6’4″ and possessing a femur the length of a pool cue, I thought my airborne experience might be more comfortable if I upgraded to Economy Plus seating, where those few extra inches of leg room were stingily doled out like the gruel at a Dickensian orphanage. Read the rest of this entry »

The Christ boys: Jesus and James. Jesus displaying enlightened gospel. James hiding his rolled up report card.

James of Nazareth was the little known and far less celebrated brother of Jesus of Nazareth. As you might imagine, growing up in the shadow of the Christ child was not an easy thing to do. When your brother is the Son of God it’s hard to have a sibling rivalry. How do you compete?

James:           Mom here’s an ashtray I made at school.

Mom:              That’s very good James.

                        Vs.

Jesus:            Mom here’s an alternative universe of indescribable joy.

Mom:              Thank you Jesus!

Read the rest of this entry »

“If I can stretch this rubber band enough, we’ll launch this thing.”

When I think about nuclear powered aircraft carriers (which isn’t often) I marvel at the array of sophisticated technology fortifying these floating air bases. They’re replete with integrated warfare control systems, enhanced flight deck electronics and some really advanced cup holders. But the most important of all these technologies, the one that actually launches the $57 million F-18 Super Hornets, is perhaps its’ least impressive. I’m referring to that most primitive form of propulsion – the Steam Catapult. Even the name Steam Catapult does not inspire much confidence. Didn’t Hannibal use this contraption to throw big pointy rocks at his enemies in the Punic Wars? Compared to the leading edge technology hard-wired into a carrier’s DNA, the Steam Catapult is a special needs amino acid. Read the rest of this entry »

“Hardiman is such a fish out of water. Then again so am I.”

I couldn’t help myself. After ordering the mahi-mahi at Chi-Chi’s in Walla Walla WA, I couldn’t leave well enough alone and just enjoy my lunch lunch. No. In the background, my mind kept trying to rewrite The Mamas And The Papas hit “Monday, Monday” using the words mahi-mahi. The idea arrived uninvited and pursued me while I speared the mahi-mahi with my tines till the prongs were full, then I thrust them into my mouth and, closing my teeth,  pulled out the fork thereby placing its freight in my capacious jaws. Oh sure I’d eaten less descriptively before, but as I’d recently survived a plane crash and felt alive on the planet, I lived life like someone left the forking gate open.  Read the rest of this entry »

Three Sutcliffe boys (Gordon, Jon and Peter). Bongo had tonsilitis.

The Sutcliffes were a closely knit English family of homebodies. War bride Astrid was a stay at home mom. Her husband Stuart telecommuted to work and the children were all home schooled. One of the children even stayed in his room and telecommuted to home school. Every summer they’d take a 2 week staycation right there in the house. When they dined out it was always drive-thru so they could all eat together in their ’55 Vauxhall Velox.

The Sutcliffes were a tightly woven group consisting of two heterosexual parents and four very talented lads (Jon, Bongo, Peter and Gordon). Although living in a 900 square foot council house in Sussex they neither suffered from cabin fever nor tired of each other’s company. The two younger boys, Peter and Gordon, lived in the basement or Cavern as they called it. And things went along swimmingly until they took in an Asian exchange student named Yuki who appealed to the avant garde Jon. Thus were the seeds of the family’s dissolution sown. Despite two more years of chart success the family broke apart and each of the sons launched solo careers.

Bongo went on to do great things; if you consider creating an adult board game called “Shoots-n-Cleavage” a public good. The game left most couples well bonded but a little messy.

Gordon went to Oklahoma looking for enlightenment but found only Enid. He thought its capitol an OK City.

The sweetly disposed Peter became a vegetarian though from time to time he would nibble on his wife’s ear.

The darkly utopian Jon and Yuki opened a string of rope shops and soon tied the knot. For a time they were the most fascinating couple in the world.

Just another old yarn about the unraveling of a closely knit family. They never reunited rendering their legacy all the more poignant.