Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. Amazing Lace – The Mary Magdalene Story
2. Nearer My Grave Am Thee – Senior worshippers embrace the truth
3. He Be All Dat – Cardi B featuring L’il Hooligan
4. Great is Thy Goiter – The endocrine system celebrated
5. Jesus Take the Wheel, No Wait, I Forgot, It’s a Self-Driving Car – Elon Musk’s paean to himself
6. God and I are Now Exclusive – Gen X’ers getting real with the Almighty
7. Hark! My Arse Hath Been Cleansed – Popular in the Anglican Church
8. One Set of Footprints in the Concrete – A delinquent teen laments ruining his neighbors newly poured sidewalk
9. A Mighty Fortress is My Mancave – Where male sports fans rejoice on Sunday afternoons
10. In the Sweet, Bi and Bi – Often heard at LGBTQ services
11. Blessed Assurance – GEICO gets all sanctimonious with this reminder that 15 minutes could save you 15%.
12. O’God You are the Beta Blocker Beneath My Hemoglobin – A cardiological prescription for Joy
13. Alas My Pharynx is Nigh – Written by David Byrne, so it doesn’t make sense, but you know it’s worthy
14. The Fruit of My Loins is Risen and You’re the Reason Why – AKA: You Up?
15. And We Shall All Joyously Clean Out Satan’s Lint Trap – A devilishly good hymn
16. Let He Who is Without Umbilicus Be Called a Clone – Recombinative DNA researchers’ favorite
17. All My Lymph Nodes Belong to You Mother – George Stephanopoulos pays tribute to his mother for birthing him with a high-functioning lymphatic system, in this esoteric hymn to the body’s other circulatory system
18. How Great Thou Art – The laity sings the praises of Art Garfunkel
19. What a Friend We Have in the IRS – This hymn is very taxing to sing and much depreciated. 10-4ty good brother.
20. Stop and Smell the Noses – Impossible to do. Noses don’t smell. Or do they?
21. The Devil Can Kiss My Grits – Southern Baptists sing their truth
22. Bringing in the Sheaves – The Baptist classic
23. Bringing in the Heaves – The more masculine oriented version of Bringing in the Sheaves
24. Bringing in the Thieves – Pontius Pilate collars Barabbas and his cohorts for stealing sheaves
25. Oy! Enough Already with the Sheaves – A favorite in synagogues
26. Desire Under the Eaves – Adam and Eve try to resist the temptation of being fruitful and multiplying
27. Dear God, What Exactly is a Sheave and Why are We Always Singing About Them? – Mrs. Fancher’s 3^rd grade class wonders what all this sheave fuss is about

In July, punctilious Professor Silas Havisham bought a $750 bookmark from Tiffany and Company – marked down from $850. He thought he got a great deal on the cobra-skinned, diamond-encrusted bookmark and was very excited to take it home and start using it. By August however, he had returned the faulty placeholder and asked for a refund claiming the bookmark was defective. Prof. Havisham explains:

The dog-gone thing doesn’t work. I mean it works just fine when I put it in between the page where I’ve finished reading, but later, when I go back to start reading again, it’s always moved itself to another page. It won’t stay still. Neither myself nor Mrs. Havisham can explain it. Who needs a self-aware book mark? Stay inanimate, damnit. Now I have to dog-ear pages just to keep my place in a book, which really defeats the whole purpose of a bookmark to begin with – especially one that costs $750. I have a simple plastic bookmark I got for free at our annual Lion’s Club Pancake breakfast right here in Half Moon Bay. I never find it wandering amongst the pages of the book I left it in. It works great and didn’t cost me a cent. You’d think for $750 they’d have solved the problem of the “migrating bookmark.”

Tiffany’s, where he bought the pricey place keeper, said the bookmark was working just fine when it left the store and that they missed this particular bookmark saying, “That bookmark will always hold a special place for us. I just wish it could do the same for Mr. Havisham.”

Tiffany’s said that, because this $750, one-of-a-kind bookmark had been taken out of its sleeve and used, it had depreciated to $69.99 and therefore company policy prevented them from issuing a refund. As company spokesperson Kate Nagelmackers explained to Mr. Havisham, “Sorry Professor. Since your fingerprints are all over this thing, the bookmark now has very little resale value, so we can’t offer a refund. We do however, depreciate your business very much and as testament to that we offer you a certificate for breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Mr. Havisham said he was surprised by the bookmark’s malfunction: “Tiffany’s desk set accoutrements are close to perfection. Some say I overpaid for my $9500 letter opener and $3500 paperweight, but they both do the job magnificently. Tiffany was right when they marketed the set as ‘The last letter opener and paperweight you’ll ever have to buy.’ It’s strange though; we have noticed our aging paperweight is starting to put on a few extra pounds. How could it not? It just sits around all day oppressing our paper. Weight! That’s it’s job. It’s completely sedentary and gets no exercise. Anyway, we can barely lift the little guy these days.”

Mrs. Havisham concurred, “Usually Tiffany’s products are flawless. To me, our $12,000 tea cozy is worth twice the price. And my $300 tiny, little support table that goes in the middle of a pizza box to prevent the box top from collapsing into the pizza, probably works beautifully, even though we haven’t come close to using it in the 12 years we’ve owned it. We do lean a little ballerina next to the $300 miniature table and then when we walk by we say, ‘Hold me closer tiny dancer.’ But even that is starting to get old now.”  

Mr. Havisham then digressed, “Mark my words on this (just don’t use my $750 bookmark to do it). Remember that Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney hit song The Girl is Mine? That really was a Silly Love Song wasn’t it? How could those 2 legends actually sing the lyrics: ‘the dog-gone girl is mine’’? Well, we know one thing these days – the dog-eared book is mine.”

Have a nice day, Jerk!

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Very Sensitive Viewers.

Very, Very, Very Sensitive Viewers.

While practicing good manners and respectful behaviors have their proper place in a high-functioning society, some have grown hypersensitive to mild offenses or perceived slights. These overly empathetic souls have little tolerance for coarse behaviors. Full disclosure: While I consider myself woke, I’m also very groggy.

Whether this inability of certain people to take things in stride is set at the factory or is a learned disposition I’ll leave to the sociologists. Suffice to say, that for whatever reason, many individuals take umbrage at the gentlest of affronts. Rather than us being outraged by their uber compassion or misguided benevolence, I say we pack them in cotton and coddle them further. And it’s with this faulty premise in mind I’ve taken the time to highlight some coarse content in movies these souls might find concerning or want to avoid altogether.

Shows that May Depict Scenes that are Inappropriate for Uber Sensitive Audiences 

The following shows may contain content that an overly sensitive viewer might consider offensive. And they may want to avoid such brazenly boorish behaviors so as to not disturb their delicate disposition:

1. The documentary A History of Stringed Instruments: Sensitive viewers should be forewarned there’s a lot of gratuitous violins in it. Some say too much violins at the expense of the cellos. I don’t mean to harp on this and I’m not a lyre, but you could save some lute by going to another movie.
2. Be advised French director François Truffaut’s Fahrenheit 451 (the temperature at which paper ignites) features moldy cheese (Roquefort), women with unshaven armpits and many French words spoken in a heavy French accent. It is recommended you should avoid this movie if you are either lactose intolerant, pit averse or just plain Francophobic. And don’t be fooled; the European title of Fahrenheit 451 is Celsius 232.8
3. Nudity Warning: In Matt Damon’s We Bought a Zoo, many, if not all of the animals appear completely naked and walk around just like it’s nothing
4. Rapacious Consumption Alert: In Jurassic Park, some of the park’s visitors walking in the background (extras) are believed to have eaten fish that were caught unsustainably. If you can’t stomach people who’ve eaten non-farmed fish it is best to avoid this movie.
5. Noxious Nicotine Potential could leave you fuming: In Sophie’s Choice, in a scene where Meryl Streep must make a momentous decision, a pack of unfiltered cigarettes (Gitanes) can clearly be seen on a table, as if to condone, if not promote its addictively lethal vapors
6. Cautionary Tail: In Lassie Comes Home, the titular canine wags her tail in a highly suggestive manner, possibly indicating Timmy fell down the well, or maybe that Timmy is outback of the bunkhouse swilling moonshine with Betsy.
7. In Jack Ass 8 there’s an abundance of Full-Frontal Idiocy. It’s so in your face.
8. Scandalously Titillating Topography: In David Attenborough’s Our Planet, in a segment on Australia’s Koala bear, a mountain in the background appears to suggest naked female hips, causing a modest person to wonder why she’s not wearing panties Down Under.
9. Clever Coarse Language Alert: Cover your ears from the profane. In the documentary The Construction of the Empire State Building, the word “erection” is used in congratulatory reference to the newly constructed building: “Your company has managed a truly marvelous erection that shall stand for a thousand years.”
10. Avert Your Eyes if Able Warning: In the TED talk Dentistry in Estonia, you’ll be aghast as you witness the presenter with an errant piece of spinach covering almost 2 of his incisors.
11. Mile-High Misogynist Club Warning: In Top Gun, while playing pool, a cocky, gum-chewing pilot indirectly comments on his appreciation of a nearby woman’s buttocks. Is there no shame?
12. Geriatric Sorrow Alert: In the movie Cocoon, several arthritic women attempt to open a jar of pickles to no avail. Viewers will feel their pain when the seniors are forced to eat their sandwiches pickleless.

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Except for BC, if someone knew when Christ was coming.

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The advent of Competitive Eating, where cuckoo contestants see how many hot dogs, pies or pancakes they can cram into their gizzards, has ushered in a new era of other dubious sporting events; usually sponsored by greedily aligned corporations and gaudily presented by ESPN 16 – a channel reserved for just such idiocy. I’ve taken the liberty of curating them for you and offer the following list of these supposed sports:

1. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – Chowboy Joey Chestnut won his 16^th hot dog eating championship despite suffering from pink eye. It had no effect on his performance, promoters just wanted to add drama to Mr. Chestnut’s insane scarfing of 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (true). In this one contest, nutritionist believe he consumed the equivalent of a 4-lifetime supply of animal lips. Sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
2. Naked and Catheterized – Naked contestants must conquer Mt. Kilimanjaro while holding their urine bag. First to the top is treated to all the hot dogs they can eat…in 10 minutes. If you like this sport, urine luck. I meant to say, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
3. Rolling in Attic Insulation – Sure it itches, but contestants can make 10 American dollars a day by sleeping in Johns-Manville’s prickly, pink insulation – if they can make it to 10 days. This sport may contribute to Pink Eye, as well as pink every place else.
4. Paula Deen’s Fried Cakes Murder Mystery “A Who-Donut!” – Contestants have to find who’s been killing all the donuts on her plantation. Whoever unmasks the evil dough-nutter is released from involuntary servitude. Sponsored by Hostess Indentured Services.
5. Solitaire Lollapalooza – All solitaire games are played by yourself in isolated and remote Zoom meetings. Most avatars are Eleanor Rigby, Henry David Thoreau or a Black Dog. The winner is shunned worse than an Amish heretic. Sponsored by Zoloft.
6. How Bald Can My Tires Get? – Car owners see if they can drive on just the steel belts. Sponsored by Rogaine.
7. Sentenced to the Crawl Space – Disturbed contestants see how long they can go over to the dark side in a creepy subterranean crypt of silverfish, spiders and scorpions. Sponsored by no one. Larry David says it’s, “Not a thing. And will never be a thing.”
8. How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet – Shouldn’t be “a thing” but it is. Homeowners risk the dreaded overflow, in a race to unseat their neighbors. Sponsored by Hoover Wet/Dry Vacuums.
9. I Can Eat Just Oatmeal for 2 Weeks – Open only to those who, on the advice of their physician, are complete idiots. It’s a rough sport. In fact, it’s the roughage of sports. Not recommended for people competing in How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet. Sponsored by Quaker Groats.
10. Eating Food 2 Months After Its Expiration Date – Lots of Risk with absolutely no Reward. Sponsored by the movie Jack-Ass 8.
11. How Much Salt Water Can I Drink Before My Kidneys Fail – Good to know in case you’re ever shipwrecked. Sponsored by Dialysis Solutions.
12. Let’s Become Siamese Twins – “Volunteers” gather at a safe, public space then are herded into vans and taken to a secondary location where they submit to being conjoined with people who lost on Paula Deen’s Fried Cake Murder Mysteries “A Who-Donut!” Sponsored by the movie Twins II.

Notes on June 21st:

I just don’t get it. How can this be the longest day of the year? Don’t they all have 24 hours in them. Is there some leap hour I don’t know about?

I understand the shortest day of the year is only 4’8″. That I get. And I know when workers want shorter hours you start by shortening their lunch hour to 30 minutes. For me the longest day of the year has always been when the in-laws visit.

Solstice, equinox, either way I feel I should be wearing a robe and milling about Stonehenge with the rest of the Druids. Or maybe listening to the song “Aquarius.” Those pagans – God lov’em.

Before there was Beatlemania, there was Stonehengemania. Although Stonehengemania was not quite as pulsating, they both really rocked.