Archive for the ‘The Stories’ Category
And the Oscar Goes to…Dogs?
November 5th, 2013 | 
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“Happy to have made my acquaintance and so will you.”
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has awarded a special Oscar to dogs for their convincing portrayal of man’s best friend. Other creatures in the Animal Kingdom felt slighted by their exclusion, but admitted, “We can’t compete with those lovable brownnosers. They just completely rollover for humans. Literally. And once you start rubbing their belly and they begin that cutesy spastic leg kick….we’re toast. It’s no wonder they get all the chew toys they want. Like they need any more. As it is now the males carry around their favorite chew toy with them full time .” Read the rest of this entry »
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Concussed: The David Hardiman Story
Will the reign of man ever end?
Things haven’t been right since my mama accidentally dropped her little bundle of joy on the vinyl game mat so many years ago. It’s hard balancing a baby when you’re playing Twister. Mama taught me a lot about life, but all I can remember is: left foot red, right hand blue. Oh, that Twister ties you up in a knot.
As I got older (mostly due to the passage of time and not because I matured), my education continued in The School of Hard Knocks; most of which landed on my head and hence the title of our little story today. Mother thoughtfully enrolled me in this school simply by birthing me. Your mother did too? I knew it. We’re all classmates in this school whether we like it or not. However, this is not a tale of woe. It’s a tale of whoa! As in, slow down Dr. Phil while I sort this out. But even if I were to succeed, all I’d have is a well sorted life. So what? Botanists do the same thing categorizing plants and they’re no happier than I am. Still I wonder, if a botanist was a vegan, would they feel guilty about eating their work. Read the rest of this entry »
♫Bringing in the Sheaves, Bringing in the Sheaves♫
Mom thought we were going fishing. But wait’ll she sees these sheaves we caught. Sheaves! It’s what’s for dinner.
This Protestant hymn begs the question: What exactly is a sheave and why does it need to be brought in?
Well to answer that question, you’ve first got to listen to the song and then you should read the story. Here is the audio: Bringing in the Sheaves (Disco Version). Pay particular attention (if you can withstand it) to the chorus beginning at the 30 second mark.
I’ll assume you’ve just endured it, I mean listened to it. Are you still conscious? You surprise me then. Let me begin by defining some terms:
Sheaves – Bundles in which cereal plants are bound after reaping.
Bringing in – Picking up something that was formerly out, and carrying it to a place that is now in. Read the rest of this entry »
Diarya
“Mom, I’m home. Mom. Mom!”
It’s not easy coaxing a demented fictional character to write a humorous piece based on a personal experience, but with the help of Dr. Brown’s Flux Capacitor (on loan from Back to the Future) I brought the whole project together with minimum time warping and maximum hilarity. Although Mr. Bates is nutso to the core, he’s kinda entertaining when he puts pen to paper. No one was hurt in the making of Diarya and the only casualty was melancholy. So without further ado I present to you with limited run on sentences:
Diarya – A remembrance by Norman Bates of Psycho fame.
Trust me. This is some good sh*t. Read the rest of this entry »
Professor Steals God’s Identity. Claims, “Takes one to know one.”
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Who’s creating whom?
Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote our dear Lord. The Lord tweeted to his followers (which is everyone, except atheists) that he regrets any inconvenience to his children, but that he’s not responsible for the karmic debts rung up by his impostor. The credit firm Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating to Cash Only stating, “We recognize that our Creator is probably too big to fail, however, until his true identity is sorted out, it would be advisable for anyone doing business with the Almighty to do so on a Cash Only basis because right now, we don’t know him from Adam. His credit rating will be restored when Chuck Norris OKs it. Our exasperated Lord was heard muttering, “I may be able to move Heaven and Earth, but try getting your credit score upgraded – that takes an act of Norris.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Deconstructing an Essay While Writing It
“I can’t wait to read this when I can read,” thinks biscuit-cheeked Megan.
The first sentence of an essay often comes at the beginning and is probably its most important. The next sentence comes second, which is the same way a thoughtful husband makes love to his wife. The 3rd sentence is usually truant and can be found gorging itself at an all-you-can-eat buffet. So by the fourth sentence you need a catnap. Now the fifth sentence is where I try to arouse your interests in my story by slowly revealing its contours, but this amounts to no more than a pastie on the nipple of life. So by the sixth sentence the whole affair has grown a little tedious and that’s why the first sentence is so damn important.
Noiry, Noiry Night
“Nah. Smoke don’t bother me none at all baby. In fact my doc says I ain’t gettin’ enough tar as it is.”
What in the devil was she doing here? I thought we were done. Through. Over. But of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to pick mine in Anytown, USA. Sure Anytown was a nondescript place of generic citizens and cookie cutter houses. A sleepy little hamlet filled with sleepy little people – so sleepy their pupils didn’t even bother to dilate. It was a warm and comforting town where a guy like me could go to forget things. Forget things ya see. And that’s the way it was till I saw her angel face from across a crowded room. And then time stood still. I’m tellin’ ya it wouldn’t move. And when her eyes met mine all the bad times were forgotten. Like a bad memory washed from the sidewalk of life. Yeah that’s it. A bad memory washed from the sidewalk of life. Read the rest of this entry »
David’s Unbidden Lament
I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.
I’ve been alive for 52 years and in that time I don’t believe I’ve ever fully experienced what it means to really be Alive. Oh sure I delight in attempting the impossible, like finding nutrition in a Paula Deen recipe. I also revel in the occasional happy alignment of distant hope and nearby reality; like the recurring dream I have involving Julie Andrews and a ♫few of my favorite things♫. After washing the sheets, I reflect that these events are all evanescent flash paper moments calculated by God to keep me engaged in his little Milky Way art project while he avoids any explanations of why I might be participating in it. As far as achieving a quintessence that a particular moment exemplifies the true meaning of being alive, I’m left wanting or at least wandering. Read the rest of this entry »
Artillery of the Gods’
Father Father Mulligan explains it all.
When saintly Father Mulligan was canonized by the Catholic Church in 1991, all agreed he made the funniest looking cannon you ever saw. He wasn’t too happy about being a cannon either and hardly viewed canonization as a reward for years of dedicated pastoral service. It was preferable to the old days of enshrinement when the church would catapultize high performing priests. In later years they’d even bazookaize MVPs, so he breathed easier with simple canonization. What did he do to earn this place of honor? Well, according to the Catholic Hall of Fame Committee he was responsible for 3 miracles:
1. Somehow he got the roof repaired at St. Anthony’s without a donation drive
2. He is credited with preventing the Great Chicago Flood of 1964. That’s why you’ve never heard of it either.
3. And against impossible odds, he found a way for Michael Jackson to impregnate an actual female Read the rest of this entry »
A Passion for Apathy
The Garden of Earthly Delights in liquid form.
The title begs the question; why would anyone even care about a story like this? A story that leads us not into temptation, but delivers us from Applebee’s. A story that promises to illuminate the ancient chords of connectivity that beautifully bind us into a network of happy users with unlimited carryover minutes. Don’t you see? It’s always been about the size of your bandwidth. And he who encompasses the greatest spectrum is able to realize the most elevated experiences – many of which are now available in HD.
These deeper experiences can all be yours if your passion for apathy inspires you to such inactivity. It’s true and this has been proven by numerous people who’ve never had near-death experiences. In fact, most of them aren’t even having near-life experiences right now. And it is their lethargy that has made all the indifference in the world. I’m referring to the kind of folks who just post other people’s quips on Facebook. The kind of people who blithely agree with convention because…well just because it’s a known quantity. Oh sure they say they do their laundry down by the river with rocks and lye, but secretly they just throw their clothes in the dishwasher like everybody else. It’s like my genetically modified mother used to say, “This Herbal Essence Shampoo smells so good and will go great with the lamb chops I threw in the dishwasher.” Read the rest of this entry »