Archive for the ‘The Stories’ Category

Saying she feels bitter inside, Lizbeth Lemon bids good-bye to the daily grind.

With tender apologies to all who’ve been devastated by the obscenity of suicide, I offer an irreverent antidote to this sorrowing scourge. Yes, a light-hearted look at a different way of dying. Can it be done? Well, I’ll try to walk this tightrope with the same delicacy as the late aerialist Karl Wallenda did. Mr. Wallenda, you’ll recall, died doing what he loved most – plummeting to earth at terminal velocity.  And in the spirit of Mel Brooks embracing the brutal outrage of Nazis in “The Producers”, I endeavor to do the same with the sad barbarity of suicide. But whereas Mr. Brooks had talent, I can only offer chutzpah. I really hope you like this piece, because if you don’t I swear I’ll kill myself.

Few things are as ugly and sobering as suicide. Among the infernal competition of berserk human expressions, suicide always medals. It’s a depressing subject that usually isn’t discussed much or written about; and I know what you’re thinking – Why did it take so damn long for someone to develop luggage with wheels on it. My God, it was like dragging an 80lb. headstone through the airport sometimes. Wouldn’t it be easier to, oh I don’t know, put some wheels on this manhole cover.                               You were thinking that weren’t you? Read the rest of this entry »

Kim Jong-il judging North Korean swimsuit competition.

I’m drawn to North Korea in the same way my morbid interests are drawn to the wreckage of a spectacular car crash. As I squeamishly peer through minimally separated fingers at this twisted hulk of a country, I can almost write the accident report myself:

It appears a hereditary Communist personality cult doing about 160 kmh purposely swerved into the High Occupancy Human lane and careened into a swarming mass of faceless people doing absolutely nothing. This collision of irresistible forces and listless masses resulted in a catastrophe of unspeakable ideological carnage, otherwise known as North Korea. Please note: This report to remain confidential pending the notification of next of Kim.

North Korea is not dysfunctional. Lindsay Lohan is dysfunctional. North Korea is a bizarre celebration of national dystrophy. It’s Disneyland in reverse – It’s the unhappiest place on earth. Even though the Korean War scarred the country immeasurably, it’s people are not suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They’re suffering from Current Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s citizens would be convulsing in disbelief had they not been placed in a government-induced coma that shields them from the gravity of their illness. After the war North Korea circled the wagons, hunkered down and guillotined anyone who refused to participate in mass gymnastics events. I mean their three branches of government are Threats, Reprisals and Amputations. North Korea is the worst case of Plan Continuation Bias since New Coke was brought to market. Read the rest of this entry »

*we’re just choosing to be straight

 Note to readers: The opinions expressed are not necessarily the author’s even though he wrote every word and there are no other sources.

What? You’ve never seen two pussies licking each other.

 Preamble

We hold this truth to be self-evident. That nothing is always and forever. Institutions once considered permanent have come and gone. All My Children, Leif Garrett and Spirograph come to mind. Not that I considered them permanent, they just come to mind. Everything we celebrate or deprecate will disappear eventually which is OK for Rap music and Velveeta, but not so good for friends and lovers. Where it all goes to I have my own giddy inklings. But for today I’m not here to pull back the curtain and reveal what’s behind it (Wish I could?). Today I’m here to focus on one sliver of God’s creation – homosexuality. We owe homosexuality a great debt. The peerless Leonardo da Vinci’s was très gay. Without him the Renaissance would’ve taken place 100 years later and Apple would still be apple. How would we survive in the 21st century without our Swiss Army iPhones? Of course there are problems which continue to hector mankind. My problem is trying to keep Nathan Hale, Ethan Allen and Nathan Lane straight. Especially that Nathan Lane. Read the rest of this entry »

I know I am, but what are you?

Sculptress Gretel Muffet lived in an artists loft in the NoHo section of New York City; an area so named for its complete lack of prostitution. An ardent soul possessing more self-confidence than she really needed, Gretel usually looked to her grandfather Peter Muffet for guidance. Peter was one of those proud old WWII veterans who refused to discuss his war time experiences even though he merely served stateside as a baker. With this kind of role model it’s easy to account for her occasional absurdity. She was crazy about the old coot and whenever anyone asked why she revered her grandfather she’d sigh, “Oh for the love of Pete.”

Gretel was the first to admit she wasn’t very tightly wrapped. After all, she believed restrooms should be segregated not by gender, but by the concavity of one’s belly button. In her world all restroom doors would be marked either Innie or Outie. “Compliance,” Gretel averred, “would be verified with electronic navel readers so you’re either in or you’re out.” Her friends quietly agreed with her while smugly thinking, “Doesn’t this whack job know that nature has already predetermined who’s an Innie and who’s an Outie?”

Read the rest of this entry »

A Thousand Pardons Honorable Reader

Toyota Motors Corporation, makers of the landmark Prius, has unveiled game changing technology with the rollout of their triumphant new model, the Toyota Coitus. In a press release today Toyota confirmed what had long been whispered – that engineers had outfitted stock hybrid Prius models with Regenerative Vaginas® transforming them from plain Jane eco-drudges to sleek, high-performance runway models. The Regenerative Vagina works similarly to the regenerative brakes on the Prius, but ‘vive la différence.‘ How does it work? Well, simply put, these eco-friendly regenerative dynamos miraculously harness the electrical power of each outbound stroke and feed the juice right back into her power grid. Simply amazing – you “drive it home” and the synergies you share with your Coitus actually creates more energy than it uses. You’ll bond instantly with this model. And because it’s equipped with a Catalytic Contraceptive Converter, the only thing to come out of the tailpipe is just a little appreciation. The engine employs decidedly primitive, but historically popular 2 stroke technology inspired by the same classic maneuver practiced by Adam & Eve long before the dawn of assembly lines.

Read the rest of this entry »

President Nixon and James Brown shake hands resulting in hell freezing over for 2 days. Collateral Damage: Millions lost in bar bets.

You just have to reexamine things every so often. For example, I still find it impossible to believe that in the Presidential election of 1972 between Republican Richard Nixon and Democrat George McGovern; James Brown, The Godfather of Soul, supported Tricky Dick Nixon. WTF (What Terrible Folly)? How did this happen? Supporting Nixon  meant that James Brown, The Hardest Working Man in Show Bidniss, must have decided between the relatively hip McGovern and the positively embalmed Nixon and somehow concluded, “Nixon my boy.” We’re talking about Richard Nixon here – a man who was born wearing a blue suit. And despite all this, Soul Brother #1 thought it righteous to endorse him. Nixon – the closest he ever came to dancing was when he swayed imperceptibly to Kate Smith singing “God Bless America.” Nixon – the whitest working man in show business. I don’t get it. It was a shrewd move on Nixon’s part though. In the same way Astaire gave Rogers class and Rogers gave Astaire sex appeal. Brown gave Nixon soul while Nixon gave Brown spastic colon.