1. 

   Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

   They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

 

2. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

 

3. Is it me or are you really that tall?

 

4. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

 

5. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

 

6. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

 

7. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

 

8. Death is the ultimate mic drop

 

9. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

 

10. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

 

11. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

 

12. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

 

13. Was privileged to see America made great again.

 

14. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

 

15. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

 

16. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

 

17. Thanks a lot Obama!

 

18. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

 

19. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

 

20. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

 

21. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya?